9 months old

MUCH MUCH MUCH changes happened during the past one month.  Significantly especially after a family trip to Lombok and Batam.  Baby F has learnt that her hands can carry the weight of her bottle and she is holding it into her mouth pretty well! Hmm, except that she does get lazy and just drop it off or completely not want to hold it but we are trying to get her hands on the bottle at every opportunity.  Hands! Hands are also for clapping! Whenever she does something well, we clap & during the trip at Lombok, she learned that she can also clap clap! It's so cute seeing her smile from ear to ear whenever she clap, as if she knows that clapping is good. :)  Early at 8 months, Baby F also managed to pull yourself up and stand on the cot.  Since then, bedtime has been very physical for her (& me or daddy) - It's her exercise time! Sit sit, stand stand.. :)

What melts my heart the most last month was when the little one caught on the lovely act of "Kiss mummy, Kiss mummy!" & of course, kiss daddy, kiss yiyi, kiss xxxx... Very wet, very sloppy, VERY NICE!!!!

It has been 9 months.  I have come to realization that as much as I knew I love children and want children, I have never thought I would be a mother.  I suddenly remember declaring to my best friend's aunt when I was 14 or 15 years old "I will NEVER have children!".  On hindsight now, I think even as youth, I knew that raising a kid is challenging!  Was I fearful of having kids due to physical pain or am I fearful of not knowing how to raise a child?  I guess it is a mixture of both.

I know I am someone who set high expectations on self.  If I want to do something, I want to do it really well.  Else, I'd rather not try.  Of course, over the years, I have allowed the grace of God to flow in as well.  It's tiring and challenging always having high expectations.  Raising a kiddo is no joke truly.  I constantly find myself wondering what food to intro to baby Faith next.  What's the next milestone for her? What is the best toys to buy? She's not reading but biting the book! Is that fine? Just last night, I tried getting Baby F to sleep and all she did was to flip right, flip left, sit up, crawl, flip again with eyes half close! After an hour, I was really frustrated. Then I felt God prompting me to put her back into her own cot (we have been getting her to sleep on our bed because since we returned from our trip, she rejects her cot.).  I asked God "Really? She rejected cot for the past few days, how could it be?" Nonetheless, I tried and Baby F went into deep sleep in less than a minute.

I pondered thereafter "What will happened if I had not followed the prompting?" I would probably have another 30mins to an hour of struggling with a flipping restless baby.  Conclusion: There is great assurance that I am, ultimately, not the main parent for Baby F.  God is there watching over the little one.  As Baby F's earthly mother, I need to be attuned & be sensitive to the prompting of God.

As a first time mummy, I also find it a challenge receiving feedbacks that literally challenges me. I constantly find myself not knowing how to balance between maintaining relationships and taking the feedback with a pinch of salt. Still something that I stuggle a lot. I have learnt to just take the backseat and give a smile and zip my lips. :D

And yes, my baby is having a headache on my behalf! Hee... :)

8 months and 2 weeks

Oh dearest smiley baby darling Faith,

Time just wheeze me by after you came along! Now, I really need to purposefully find time to pen down your growth.  So many things can happen in just one month.  I was just thinking how I will need to hasten by speed to catch up with you OR perhaps, you could slow down so that I could catch up.

Your determination shows up even at this very young age of 8 months old.  You enjoy standing more than sitting and lying down.  Even better, you enjoy standing by yourself holding onto something.  Last week when I was putting you to sleep, you were obviously not ready.  I battled within myself two thoughts: Should I allow that to happen because that means dragging your bedtime by an hour. Or should I help you along and you know, enjoy some bonding time together.  After all, how much time do we have, as working parents, to really play with our child?  So I broke the rule for that night.  Well, you didn't play that night.  You learnt something new that night!  You got yourself seated up in the cot and you grabbed your cot railings.  Your legs kept you bouncing your bum up and down in the hope of standing upright.  10 minutes.  You were at it for 10 minutes just bouncing up and bouncing down.  After awhile, I prompted you by tapping on the top of the cot's bar (whatever's that called).  You seem to understand what I was trying to tell you and amazingly placed your little hands on it and pulled yourself up!  That joy that beamed from your eyes melted my heart.  You little one has taught me what determination is all over again.

That said, determination has a flipped side too.  Often times I find myself having to control myself from shouting at you.  Acutely mindful that hello, you are only 8 months old.  There were times when you were determined to play and I was determined to get you to sleep.  My only consolation is that perhaps you missed us so much in the day that you refused to sleep despite your constant rubbing of eyes.

Your display of affection is endearing especially when you wave your hands up and down frantically with joy on seeing daddy or mummy return from work. Oh yes! You also have learnt how to wave when we go off to work and when we return.

Oh yes, you have also grown very sticky to me.  I have to be the one carrying you in the evenings to sleep.  We tried very hard for you to stick to daddy more so that daddy can also put you to sleep but you just refused.  (I must APPLAUD daddy for really putting in a lot and a lot of effort to spend time with you and be with you!)  But we have also concluded that this phase in your life is a Mummy Phase.  We kinda foresee that when mummy resign next year to take care of you (till you can go to childcare in Sept), this Mummy Phase will stay on for awhile more.

I am very thankful for having you as the hugest gift.  In you, I see outward joy more than I see in daddy or mummy and I remember that when you were squirming and tumbling in mummy's womb, we prayed specifically that the joy of the Lord will be with you.  Seeing you now, I know and really know that God hears us.

Keep that joy bubbly little one.  Bring that joy to everyone you meet! Be a joy & find joy in meeting people too!

Love,
Mummy

Heavy

As I am writing this, tears are falling. After more than a year of fighting, Yen finally went home to the Lord.

I am completely amazed how this lady, whom I barely knew, has such a huge impact on me.  We spoke probably only twice? Once in Brisbane and once in Singapore when we bumped into each other a couple of months back.

Recalling when I was on my solo Perth trip last year.  I went with a very heavy & painful heart, not knowing where is God in my life, who is God in my life.  I almost couldn't find answers but I kept seeking for answers.  I read books, I read the bible, I read everything and I read Yen's blog. I recalled it lifted me up.  I still couldn't find the answer I was looking for but she taught me that through tough situations is where God is most evident.

My heart ached knowing how critical her situation was. My heart ached at the thought that she has left behind her husband and 4 year old daughter. Tears just fell when Geo told me "Do you know your friend has passed away?" (His friend commented on Yen's husband's Facebook status) I wondered - Where is God in her life? Why does bad thing happen to good people? (The classic questions)

Then I realized that her passing had brought about a legacy of who her God is.  How GOOD her God is, how MARVELLOUS her God is.  That the peace of God can still transcend in us amidst tough times.  And that God is the same God I worship.

As I struggle through my tough times now, I see how acutely faint my circumstance is compared to Yen yet her relationship with God remained steadfast.  Through her, I learnt, truly, what Philippians 3:14 means - I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Thank you so much Yen, for you life.  I wish, heartfelt, that I had known you deeper.  I would really really really really have loved to have a cup of tea with you and exchange notes.  That said, I am sure you are in a better place right now. 

http://psalm117.blogspot.sg/2012/10/the-evening-walk-in-valley.html

1 week to 7 months

Darling dear,

Mummy is on a writing streak again.  If you realize, it's happening only on days when your daddy attends music practice for Sunday service.

Lest I have no time to jot things down when you turn 7 months on the exact, I think I better do it today.  Today, you are just 1 week short to be a 7-month old baby.  At 7.6kg, mummy's shoulders are aching with all the carrying but I am enjoying every moment of it.  I want to carry you, kiss you, cuddle you all I want now because you will soon be running and not wanting any of it.

You are sitting very steadily now and you can play by yourself! *clap clap clap* Also, you somehow talk as if you are singing.  By God's grace, I am getting more sleep because you can sleep through the night! Praise God for the invention of humidifier.  The minute I moved it from one end of the room to having it right in front of your cot, you slept throughout!

Toys are beginning to interest you a little more.  I sure hope that you will show more interest in books other than it being a biting toy. OH! Speaking of biting! Yes, your bottom two teeth have sprouted out! Mummy got so excited upon seeing it that I kept screaming out in joy - while you were crying. :) Well, at least that stopped your crying.

Having you have taught me what maternal instinct is.  At first I thought the minute I have a child, I would have the immediate instinctive to know what to do as a mother.  No, absolutely not.  If that is the scale where mothers are rated upon, I would probably fare very poorly.  To me, it simply means that as our relationship builds, I will know you better. I can better distinct your different cries, laughter, breathing and bring to you what comfort you best (to my best). 

It is very nice bringing you out now.  You are more predictable and I don't feel so all over the place when you start crying when you are outside.  I have also found a carrier which you love.  It's as if magic has taken place! The minute you are inside, you stop crying or whining.

I simply love her hearty laughter.  She is such a joy!!!

You are a joy.  Truly a joy.  When I see your 姨姨 & 婆婆 carry and hug and kiss you, I know you are a joy.  Your smiles, laughter & googoogaga could send all of us giggling.  Every now and then I would be sending photos to your godma, 姨姨 & 婆婆 and that picture would have made their day! See, what a joy you are!

I pray daily, that this joy will not be robbed away from you.  May God teach daddy and mummy how to parent you, may He grant us the wisdom, show us His grace and grant us His mercy.

3 generation... My mum & sis whom I love dearly.

E.M.B.R.A.C.E

I have been thinking, A LOT, in view of the happenings happening at home front, with the little one, at work and how, truly, to link humanity with spirituality.

On Saturday, I had some friends over at my house, on the context to visit Faith. We were all colleagues from my previous org and it has been very nice to see and hear how we have progressed in what we are doing.  Most of us are supervisors to the more junior social workers.  In our conversation, we spoke about our gladness when we "strip our supervisees naked and have them face themselves straight in the eye".  That's just a way of saying that unless we bring our supervisees to the point of breaking, their work with their clients is probably just going to be a job and nothing else.  That said, we do all these in love.

Stripping naked and seeing ourselves in the eye.

How often had I gone through this process myself as a young budding social worker?  I remember the first time I faced a violent father, I went soft in my knees bringing back memories of how I was caned by my father when I was young.  I was stunned throughout the session because I never knew how much that caning I received in my childhood had an impact on me. That was my first work I had to work on within myself.

As a social worker, as a counselor, as a helping professional, we would want our clients to be as real as they can, to face their fears squarely in the face and work through those emotions - be it positive or negative.  I caught myself, recently, telling someone who was mourning over a loss 'It's okay.'.  I immediately apologized because it is NOT okay to that person who is mourning. So what makes me the expert of her life and say that it's okay?

So, my question is then, where is God in all of these inner battle?  Often, it is one thing to say "God is still good no matter what" and believing truly that God is good despite difficult circumstances which we don't feel so positive about.  How can we feel humane about the situation and evoked emotions and bring spirituality into the picture?

After 7 years in this line, 35 years living on earth, I am beginning to learn how to embrace myself.  I am now able to look squarely at myself and tell myself "Yes, I am angry, I am furious and I am infuriated.  I don't know what I am going to do about it right now but I am not going to deny those feelings.  It is real and I am struggling.  So I am not going to batter myself up to be okay when I am not really okay.  I am going to fight it out with you God."  I have also learned to embrace that God allows situations in my life to happen.  Truly, life is not perfect but God is.

Lyrics from Crooked Lines resonates very well at this point - There's a reason for every detour and every scar, His mercy has always been written in the stars.  He is just simply what we aren't. His grace is more than sufficient and His mercy is all we need to know that He loves us simply for who we really and truly are.

To whoever who is reading this - No, I am not depressed.  :)  Just food for thought.

6 months old

Darling dearest,

You will be turning 6 months old soon! My goodness, where did time go to?

Mummy is suffering from sleep deprivation.  Not your fault at all.  You are teething and that caused you to be easily irritable and have difficulty drinking and sleeping.  After one week of struggling to have you sufficiently fed, we spent many weeks thereafter waking up at 12mn, 2am, 4am and 6am and finally to bathe you at 7am.

As I was traveling to work one day, I was thinking of the things piled up at work, datelines, families to meet, etc.  I was telling God that I am feeling the stresses of a working parent.  The lack of sleep, the need to perform (not for sake of performing but really, I can't go into a session feeling zombified), KPIs to meet.  I am tired.

Then it hit me how resilient you are, Faith.  It struck me real hard that it is NOT easy being a baby.  I read an article from a doctor who said that a baby grows the most in their first 12 months.  Wow! Isn't your life even more tiring? You have to learn to adapt according to our world, irritable budding teeth that leads to so many difficulties.  Constantly growing only means constantly changing. Yet through all the little difficulties, you can flash your most brilliant smile with sparkling eyes whenever I step home.

Ok, back to what you can do now!

7kg and mummy is getting those toned arms!!  You are able to flip yourself down and then *ta-da* flip back upright.  You can sit upright & ever since then, you seem to dislike lying down! Chatting with you has been really fun.  You excitedly googoogaga with me whenever we are around & only in non-crowded places.

You have started on semi-solids and mummy is having lots of fun making food for you.  So far, I have only mashed avocado for you.  I will soon be baking pumpkins for you! You are definitely loving your avos more than the boring morning rice cereal.  So, I am actually wondering if I should start boiling porridge for you.  Soon, I will need to save more money so that I can buy you fish! Thankfully, you still love drinking your milk so I am not fretting over the lack of nutrition.

I am excited at what you can do next.. But darling, do it at your pace ok? No hurry to grow up. You are young only once. :)

 

Initial stage of eating semi-solids - messy!

Outing with my beloved mummy and sis.

Adorable eyes that melt daddy and my heart.

Was stunned by the light!

Conversations

Just needed to blog this before I forget & bear with me cause my thoughts are really all over the place.

I attended a 2-day conference "A Collaborative Dance: Integrating Systemic Ideas into Clinical and Social Work Practice".

Basically a System is a set of interacting and interdependent component forming an integrated whole.  In layman terms to me, it just simply means that everybody affect somebody in one way or another.

This Dance talks about the goodness of the helping professionals collaborating with one another for the good of the family.  It could mean Counselors, Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Social Workers, Therapists, etc. 

What impacted me greatly was three words - Conversations, Safe and Space.  The keynote speaker said "Have faith to do a little different from the norm and you'll see that something will definitely change." She urged us to to drop the language of deficit and change that to a language of appreciation and we will soon see the language in the meeting change too.  One workshop speaker said "In having Compassion, being Curious and mindfully Collaborative, we Create space, conversations and identity for our supervises (& clients) (& friends and family if I may add).

As I sat through the conference, I recall fond memories of my ex-mentor from Beyond.  One day, I was really frustrated with a report that I had to write of a youth.  I told him that I really want to give up! He said "Sandra, just write a report AS IF you are going to present it to the child and his family." That statement blew my mind and since then, report writing was no longer the same for me.  If I were to write to the child and the family, they really could do with one report that talks positively.  Not hiding facts but efforts made to heighten strengths.  

I do believe, really, that no one, young or old, would love to be referred to social services, counseling, etc.  It denote the need for help.  It denotes the lack of privacy.  It spell P.R.O.B.L.E.M to some.  It embarrasses some.

Just as the child could do with a well-written positive perspective of himself, everyone could do with a little kindness.  Behind every face and smile, we fight a battle.  One little change that can create a ripple effect.  Amazing.

How beautiful is life?

I have been listening to Corrinne May's latest album Crooked Lines for the past 2 weeks. Well, could easily have been 3 weeks unknowingly.  It was Crooked Lines that got me hooked unto the album.  Perhaps it's me feeling a tad melancholic or this album just unknowingly speaks into my life...

This morning as I was traveling to work, I was listening to the album, again, and realized what beautiful lyrics Beautiful Life has.

It seems like motherhood has impacted Corrinne May.  Her songs in this album is not only soulful but inspired very much by her daughter and her life as a mother.  

Likewise, motherhood has literally changed my life.  It does have its downs but everyday, the image of a smile, the chuckle, melts my heart.  Truly, a million dollar would not exchange for a moment with her. 

That aside, I wondered - How beautifully lived is my life?  These days, no matter how happy I am, the smiles on faces, there is always something that weighs me down at the back of my head.  It's like a common denominator in all fractions.  

Just as I was having this thought with the song ringing in my ear, the verse from Matthew that speaks of God's protection and providence to the birds of the air and lilies of the field sprung up.  Honestly, I do not know how much of a God thing there has been in my life of late.  Situations in life often bogs me down.  Yet, such a gentle reminder is so sweet from God.  And I know, I am not alone because He is always around.

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It's in living every moment
Like it could be our last
For our hearts are restless
Till they rest in love's caress

And the moments we remember
They interweave our hearts
Like a tapestry surrounding us
That we forget to touch

Bridge:
It's why we wake up every morning
It's why we seek each other's smile
It's why we know that it's all worth it
It's why we hold on, we make the sacrifice

Chorus 1:
It's in the eyes of a child
As you hold her in your arms
And your heart starts to beat once again
And your world is reborn
In the freshness of her song
Smile, it's a beautiful life
[ Tab from: http://www.guitaretab.com/c/corrinne-may/319683.html ]
Verse 2:
It's in the hope of the poor man
As he struggles to make ends meet
It's in the laughter of his children
As they play in the street

Don't need a million dollars
To raise a happy child
You just need a pair of loving arms
And the time to make her smile

Bridge

Chorus 2:
It's in the tears of a friend
As you finally make amends
And your soul starts to breathe once again
And the weight of the world
Falls away with one word
Smile, it's a beautiful life

Chorus 3:
It's in the touch of her lips
As she leans in for a kiss
And your world starts to spin once again
And two hearts become one
As a dream is begun
Smile, it's a beautiful life
It's a beautiful life
It's a beautiful life
It's a beautiful life

24 weeks old

Dearest precious Faith,

I am finding pockets of time to blog your growing up moments.  It has been increasingly getting tougher.  I am now working 3.5 days a week.  Whenever I return home, if you are sleeping, I could still catch some time to change out and wash my hands.  If you aren't, then I do have a clingy little baby wanting some of my time else next thing I know is a crying baby.

Finally managed to get you to sleep after an eventful day for you.  Prior to me returning home, you were wrestling with daddy.  You refused your feed.  Daddy refused to give up.  Two persistent fellows have managed to get me worried, postponed my appointment and went home.  We believe you are probably in your teething process.  You have been drooling more, biting more, rubbing your ears much more too.  To be honest, it has been quite a sight seeing you rub your ears. 

You have been one active bubbly baby.  Awake most of the time.  Alert half the time cause the other half, you are probably already feeling sleepy yet refusing to sleep.  When you sleep, if you sleep, at best is an hour.  At the minimum is 15 minutes.  Thankfully, you are a baby who keeps to routine very well.  By 8pm, you would have knocked out all the way till 7am, with probably a pat or a cuddle middle of the night.  Oh yes, not forgetting, you have also routinely gotten used to hopping unto daddy's and mummy's bed by 5am.

You are started to practice your vocal cords by screaming and yelping.  Often times, we find you talking away to your toys.  The video below shows you blowing raspberries.  You have been so obsessed with this new skill that you do it anytime and anywhere! We had a really difficult time feeding you with you trying to flip and blow raspberries all at the same time.  That goes the same to changing your diaper.  Difficult but very amused.  I have grown to ask you to cooperate with mummy when it comes to changing diaper.  Give me one leg first, I'll tape one side of the diaper.  I'll return you your leg whilst you give me the other.  Heeeee... You have begun to express yourself by stretching your hand towards daddy and mummy to carry you.  Beginning to sit soon.  For now, you managed to sit on your own for about at max, 2 seconds.

I just asked daddy what has happened over the last one month.  He said that you have learned to shut your mouth real tight when you see a milk bottle coming your way. Hee.. Jokes aside, daddy and I love to just sit by your side looking at you sleep.  You are a miracle and will always be and we appreciate all that you have taught us.  Humanly, I know that I will never have this ability to love someone THIS much if not for you.  In having you, I am able to fathom just a little what heaven is like because you taught me just HOW much God is deeply madly in love with me, just as I am so deeply in love with you.

Precious little darling, daddy and mummy loves you.

Crooked Lines

My daughter tries to draw a butterfly

With the crayons and crooked lines

And she's crying cause she just can't get it right

So I wrapped her tiny hand in mine

To guide her with her heart's design

And she smiles as her dreams take flight

Perhaps it's how it is on this labyrinth road

I just need to let him guide my soul

God writes straight with crooked lines

He takes the mess we make in life

He turns our groaning into perfect rhyme

Hidden by the veil of time

The wisdom of His love's design

God writes straight with crooked lines.

I've had days as dark as smoke
When it hurts too much to hope
& it felt like the pain would never end
Searching for answers but finding jokes
Limping along the winding road
Certain He left me all alone
When it's hard to trust that there's a greater plan
Like a child, I've gotta just hold His hands

'Cause God writes straight with crooked lines

He takes the mess we make in life

He turns our groaning into perfect rhyme

Hidden by the veil of time

The wisdom of His love's design

God writes straight with crooked lines.

It's hard to see the picture when we have got our head to the ground

But the vision is perfect from Heaven looking down

There's a reason for every detour and every scar

His mercy has always been written in the stars

God writes straight with crooked lines

He takes the mess we make in life

He turns our groaning into perfect rhyme

Hidden by the veil of time

The wisdom of His love's design

God writes straight with crooked lines

God writes straight with crooked lines.

This song tugged my heart real tight when I first heard it at her concert at Gardens by the Bay.  Recently, heard it again at church at a ESS service.  This time round, the lyrics resonated with me much more. 

In this season of my life, I am learning to let go to believe that God CAN write straight with crooked lines.  God can take the mess in our life and turn our groaning into a perfect rhyme.  He can make things right no matter how wrong things were.  He is the perfector and author of my life so I am sure it will and can happen.  Truly, like a child, I just gotta hold on to His hand.

Hair for Hope 2012

Dear Faith,

After accompanying my friend for her shave the past few years, I decided to go under the shaver myself this year.  As my friend was the booster, Faith, you are the one who gave me courage.  This is the annual fundraising organized by Children's Cancer Foundation called Hair for Hope.  Other than raising awareness, it serves to help children who are undergoing cancer know that "Hey, it's ok.. you are not alone being bald."

With you in my life, I understood more of what emcompasses a parent's heart, of love and of pain. You helped me to understand what will bring a smile to a parent's face yet what will break a parent's heart.  When life and death is in the picture, it pains the child, it pains the parents.

I pray as you have given me this courage, may you also grow up to be a woman of courage yourself.

On a side note, hey! You are 4.5 months already!  You have finally stunned me with your first flip.  Thereafter, you kept practicing this newly found skill. Very cute indeed.  Daddy and mummy is definitely much more confident to bring you out now.  We have learned what agitates you and what not.  So what not, we do more.  What does, we do less.  We are looking forward to more stunning moments of yours!

For now, this is the latest quick update.

Love,
Mummy

Reality hits

Dear Faith,

You have turned 16 weeks!  How time flies without even me realizing.  Daddy didn't bathe you for a week and when he did, he said that you have grown! Body longer and head circumference bigger.

Last week, we brought you for your first swimming session.  You really disliked the float around your head but the minute your body hit the water, you started turning round and round and round.  When one kid cried, leading to 2-3 others crying, you continued to go around the pool, not giving two hoots to what is happening.  You know, on seeing how happy you were in the small pool, daddy had tears welled up! No one needs to convince us to sign up the package for you. :)

 

You are even more generous with your smiles and chuckles now. The minute you wake up from your sarong, you dashed me your bo-gei smile immediately! Now that I am back to work, I really really miss your smiles & even cries! Well, mummy survived her first day at work, thanks to technology.. Every other hour, I would be looking at your photo.  Oh, I have decorated my workstation with a photoframe and the picture of you on my laptop desktop.. :P

A year ago....

... I was preparing to sign the HDB papers to buy the biggest purchase of my life - my flat.

A year ago, in June, I had a sudden urge to go away alone.  Literally alone.  One evening, while returning home from Boon Lay, I smsed Geo asking him if he is all right for me to travel alone.  He asked me "Alone without me but with friends or alone, alone?".  "Alone, alone.", I replied.  He asked no further questions, giving me all the trust that I needed back then.  I bought air ticket to Perth that evening to fly on 12 Jul, just a day after I sold my savings away to HDB.

To put it simply, I would describe 2011 as one of the worst years I ever had in my entire life.  Being able to go away has fulfilled one of my dream to travel alone.  However, more so, it has given me that opportunity to break away, literally, from situations in Singapore to just find my space with God. To speak to Him, to yell out to Him, to be by myself.  In the entire journey, He spoke to me through this song.



Life is really quite an irony.  I have heard of this song many times.  Yet, it's in my brokenness that this song spoke to me.  The faithfulness of the Lord indeed reaches beyond where I am.  A decade ago, I went to Australia to study, in the hope of healing a broken heart after a terrible break up with a man I had thought I would marry.  I found God again.  A decade later, I went back to Australia, in the hope of being able to feel Him walking beside me again.  He never fail.

Anyway, the irony of all ironies.  I thought I was alone throughout my trip.  Little did I know that I was already carrying Faith. Hee... That little one has traveled to Perth already! When I look at her now, I am reminded that God is for me, for my family.

Space is when you have all the time in the world with no agenda.. A book, a drink and a lovely view.

Daddy's the BEST!

Dear darling,

Today, mummy's entry is a tribute to your daddy, the first man in your life.  Your daddy is probably, to me, the most sacrificial man I have ever known.  Sacrificial in many ways.

Knowing that mummy struggled with you during the first month, daddy took 3 whole weeks of leave just so that mummy could be better supported.  I would have to admit that in the first two weeks, I cannot cannot CANNOT imagine how I would have survived if not for your daddy.  I cried every other day, for various reasons like engorgement pains, difficulties latching you on thus leading to pain, guilt for being ill-prepared for your coming due to heavy workload, anger towards self for every other things.  Mummy also had high fever for about 3-4 times during those 3 weeks due to mastitis.  In those times, daddy took care of you fully.  He prepared milk, cuddled you, changed your diaper, wake up every 2-3 hours through the night. 


Subsequently when we moved back to own home, daddy made sure he spent quantity time with you.  Back then, he was still in his old organization where he starts work at 10am.  Thus, the morning bath was always done by daddy.  He always treasures such intimate moments with you.  However, I am also very sure that he wants to bathe you so that he can relieve me of some physical activities as I would be taking care of you through the day till daddy's back from work.  Yes, mummy had pains in my tailbone for quite a while.

Every other hour at work, daddy will drop a message asking "How is my darling?"  At home, he would often whisper in your ears "Daddy loves you very much! Mummy loves you very much too!"  Whenever I discovered something new that you can do, or a new way that I have learned, daddy will excitedly want to try it to when he returns home.

Came to your 2nd month and that month was really a tough month for us.  We had no idea what triggered your crying.  However, a walk along the corridor or staircase climb usually helps.  Having spent one whole day with you, daddy knew mummy would be very tired at night so he tries to always be at home whenever he can so that he can help to carry you walk around (despite having worked one whole day). 

After awhile, we decided to sign up for the baby massage class.  Hearsay that baby massage is very good.  It helps colic and because it involves the sense of touch, it calms a baby down too.  That's when daddy gets so excited each time he gets to bathe you in the morning.  After your morning bath, you are usually in a very good mood and often enjoy a massage.  Sometimes in the evening after your wipe down, we can still squeeze in a massage time if you aren't too tired.

After the 5th or 6th week, daddy fully took over your night feed (before we took turns on a daily basis) because mummy was really very tired having to feed you and then go to another room to express my milk.  Back then, feeding you was also tougher than now (15th week).  You often get frustrated, refusing to sleep after feed.  Mummy then get very frustrated because of the need to express and the need to sleep.  Sometimes, the entire process could easily take up 2 hours of the night.  You seem to take very very well to daddy when daddy started taking over the night feed.  You drank well, sleep well.  I believe daddy is a very patient man and I am sure you were able to feel that patience exuded from daddy as compared to mummy.  (Pray you will forgive me if I get too impatient with you one day!)

Daddy works very very hard to support this family financially. On top of his full time job, he teaches private piano on Tuesday evenings and Saturday mornings.  Not forgetting that above this extra jobs, daddy also plays for God in church on some Sundays.  Whenever daddy plays on that Sunday, he would need to attend a band practice on either Thursday or Friday night.

All that's said, daddy's also not someone you can tread upon.  If there is a need to discipline you (yes, it starts from young), he would do it - right from the very basics of not playing with your milk.  :)

This is your daddy, my darling.  One who is willing to sacrifice for you and mummy.  One who is responsible towards his piano students and church.  Despite his tiredness, he never once complained that he doesn't want to teach or play on Sunday.  You see, daddy always see the importance of serving God.  Not that God really require daddy to serve but it's in serving God that daddy learns more of God's love.

Darling, such is the extent of daddy's love for us.  I will share with you more of daddy's goodness in time to come... For now, you just need to know that we are more than blessed to have this man in our life.

Love you my little one..

Motherhood, or rather, parenthood.

Motherhood, or rather parenthood is an art, a phenomenon. Subconsciously, I try to give what I felt I lacked of and amplify what I loved. On top of it, add on the knowledge from the many readings from books and Internet.

Readings and experiences are good, really. But ultimately, I have come to realize that more importantly, it's also to understand the child's uniqueness and personality and mold him/her to his/her personal potential and not make them into a mini-me or mini-hubby or to fulfill what we didn't attain.

I probably would not have known what it means to be a mother until I am a mother myself.  I passed a comment to my mummy one day, when she was frustrated after telling my sis to clear her stuff for over a year! I said "Mummy, now I understand a little of the pain when I lied to you before."  I reckoned that parenthood will be a journey of joy and pain.  Children will learn to lie even if parents didn't teach them to.  They will be up to their mischief to test boundaries.  As a parent, I would want to be prepared to be hurt, yet still love.

I guess that's how God's love is for us?  He knew that we would sin and thus He sent His son to die for us and that was the ultimate lamb sacrifice.  He knew that we would test boundaries and fall so there are verses to assure us of His presence and love and strength and joy.

Our wedding verse was from 2 Corinthians 12:9a "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”"  This has never been more real to me than now at this season of my life.  It ain't just weakness that I felt but the very lack of wisdom to manage situations on the whole and His grace can only be what I cling unto.

Thank you Lord for showing me what love is, through the miracle you have placed in my life.

12 weeks old

Weight: 5kg (finally!)
Length: 57, taller by 8cm.

My dear Faith,

You are growing faster than I imagine you to be.  I was doing a photobook for you and was going through your past photos.  Found this photo so amusing! Your pillow used to look so huge on you and you used to look like a little nun with that very bald top.  I have removed your mittens as you are slowly opening up your hands.  You are also beginning to realize that your hands are not just a ball of fist but you do have 5 fingers too!  You are beginning to make attempts to hold your bottle.  When the bottle hits your mouth, your two little fist hits the bottle only to find that you don't have much strength yet.  Quite a sight I must say. When you are done with your milk, you have learned how to use your hands to push it away.






You seem to be getting used to church and going out.  You have this uncanny ability to know that it's Sunday and that morning, you enjoy your bath exceptionally well.  I am not sure if all babies are like you or are you a common type of baby but I am so awed by the countless types of expressions you have.  Not only so, daddy and I are amazed how active you can be. Yet, you could also be very still and is seemingly reflective and melancholic. 

 

The first time your PD saw you last month, she was impressed by your pleasant nature that you cried very little when jabbed.  This time, she was so impressed by the fact that you could just fall asleep while I sat you down on my lap.  She joked that you must be protesting against having a jab so pretended to fall asleep. 

Talking about sleep. Again, I am most amazed by your little milestone. When you passed your 2nd month, you stopped crying.  When you passed your 3rd month, all of a sudden, you love your stroller! Previously, you barely sit in your stroller for 10 minutes and you would be crying to be carried. Now, you would love to see the world when you are out on your evening stroll.  After awhile, you have also learned how to sleep inside the stroller. You are growing, my little darling.









Your smiles and laughters are really much more generous now.  Just last weekend, you had a ball of time with your 姨姨 whistling and your 姨丈's playing.  婆婆 also recite to you several nursery rhymes which sent you giggling and grinning from ear to ear!  After a whole afternoon, you knocked out the minute we were done with your wipe down.

Oh yes, you are also beginning to enjoy tummy time a little better.  No longer frustrates you. In fact, you could even lift your head up already! Soon, mummy will need to take out the bumbo chair for you to try sitting.  I am so enjoying every milestone of your life. Psst.. Tell you something! Two weeks ago, daddy & mummy were with our caregroup and all the aunties tried matchmaking you already! Well, my darling, don't grow up too fast ok? Enjoy every step of your life.. Do not run faster than you ought to. Remember to always stop and smell the flowers along your pathway.

It's been such a joy caring for you, my dear Faith.  Never fail to amaze me, never fail to lead me back to thanking our Creator for the marvelous work He has created in you.  I hold on tight to the promise that when God has started a good work in a person, He will help deliver it to the end.  God will see you through your mountain top exhilarating moments and valley deep sorrows.

Faith @ 2 months

Dear little one,

2 months have passed just like that! 2 months feels so long yet it's not long enough to fully understand what you are trying to tell me.  Often, I am like walking around in the dark fathoming what is it that you want, your likes, your dislikes.  You are definitely progressing and every other day, I will be telling your 婆婆 the little milestones that you have made.

 
You never fail to know when to smile and grin and that always have the power and ability to melt any hearts. You are pretty generous with your smiles in fact! You are now sleeping for a longer stretch, 10pm to 4am. However, there may also be times when you do wake up more times but I reckon that you are still adapting to growing up and mummy better be patient in not expecting too much from you.

The 4th to 8th week was difficult for daddy and me in trying to understand why you cry so much between 7pm to 10pm. Each time you cry, our heart ached yet keeping in mind to remain calm.  The day you turn 8 weeks, we prayed by faith that you enter the 3rd month with no more bad evenings! That day, you stopped crying and began to enjoy more of your little playtime with daddy and mummy.




Talking about play, we found that you love to be read to. You respond with your "ahs" and "ehs" and you cock your head to one side as if you understand every word I read. We also realized that carrying you after your feed is a No-No. You love the sofa so much that lying down on it stopped your frustrations. Perhaps that's because you are trying to flip.  Your neck is definitely getting stronger but I could tell that you are still working on your neck strength to flip yourself over.




It is indeed a joy and honor to be taking care of you. I am constantly reminding myself to learn how to let go of what I think it's right or wrong or my perspective of what I would like you to be, etc.. but to submit to God & seek Him first even in taking care of you and to lead you towards Him.  After all, we are the children of God and if He can take care of daddy and I so well, He will do the same for you.  Let's walk this journey together hand in hand, shall we? :)

We love you, little darling. 

Subconscious

It's amazing how our subconscious mind works.

Last Friday, I had a tough time soothing Faith from crying. Basically, it's almost part of the routine that Faith cries when evening comes.  It still remains as a mystery to us.  Sometimes we thought it's probably cause she was disturbed when she was stoning. Sometimes, we thought she doesn't have enough milk. Sometimes, we thought maybe weather turning cold. Sometimes, maybe sarong tooooo hot for her. Whatever it is, we have tried and sometimes, the ONLY way to soothe her is to take on the vertical challenge - staircase climb!

Anyway, so I was saying.  Last Friday, I had a tough time.  I walked with a bounce from one room to another room, patting the bum & creating the "shhh" sound (white noise).  After two hours, she was finally soothed then she cried again - this time for milk.  I am sure all mummies would agree with me that this scenario is just all so common.

That night, Geo was on the "night duty" and he was by her cot patting Faith when she whimpered.  Suddenly, he heard a patting sound from where I was sleeping.  He turned around and saw that I was actually patting the quilt in my sleep trying to "soothe" Faith.

Next day, when it was my turn to be on the night duty, I was feeding Faith through her little coos and whimpers.  Next thing I heard was a "Shhhh" sound coming from Geo and he was also speaking in tongues.  I thought he was awake but he was actually sleeping.

We concluded that we are tired.  We are really tired physically.  However, we know that God's strength is with us and our love for Faith has given us the ability to push us beyond the norm.  But we also know that God knows our limit so He will not give us more than what we can bear.  The next few days, Faith almost slept through the night giving us a good straight 5 hours of sleep.  I can only attribute it to God's grace upon our physical being. :)

Dearest daddy...

I heard from people that when we have our own children, we tend to miss our parents.  How true.  Just about a week ago was my daddy's death anniversary.  It has been three years and each time I reminisce the old times, I would still tear.

I remember during my contractions (or was it when I was pushing Faith), I grabbed Geo and said "I wished daddy was here to see Faith!". Likewise, during my wedding, I wished he was around to witness as well.

Now that I have Faith, I began to recall stories from my dad sharing how he took care of me when I was a baby.  He will walk the stairs whenever I kick up a fuss and can't get to sleep.  I am also a very light sleeper so at the drop of the pin, I would wake up.  I somehow see a lot of myself in Faith. My dear daughter, somehow, is also a light sleeper. She wakes up at the slightest sound (Yet she can always sleep through thunder!).  When it turns evening, she tends to cry a little more (I wish I know why!) and that's when I start doing a block stroll. I stroll along corridor, climb up and down the stairs.  As I do walk, I miss my dad.

Well, daddy dearest, I am sure you will adore and love Faith hugely if you were still around.  I believe you would probably drive down to see her every other day just to hug and kiss her. I bask in that thought of love you would have for her. :)  See you one day in the house of God & I will show you all the videos & photos I have taken of her (that's if I can bring my iPhone with me to heaven. Hee...)

Home

Home is defined from dictionary.com as a place in which one's domestic affections are centred.  What exactly does Home means to me then?

Home is a place where I feel most belonged.  Home is where I can host friends and they feel belonged too.  Home is where your loved ones waits for you.  Home is a place of comfort.  Home is a place where I can leave my worries outside and know that whoever is at home embraces me.  Home is where my heart resides.

After 6 weeks of being stuck at home, I finally made a trip back home - church.  It coincides also with the church's official opening at her new venue.  I decided to start my morning with a trip to HopeKids.  Then, I proceeded to the baby's room, I was glad that Faith was happily sleeping in the carrier so I could enjoy the entire P&W session.

Tears just flowed at the start of the service.  I started growing as a Christian in this church movement back in 2000 when I was in Brisbane.  I was caught by the vision and mission to plant churches all around the world to spread the gospel to fulfill the great commission.  Though I have yet felt that calling to depart from Singapore to another part of the world, it was in this church that my burden grew for people.  It was also in this church that I processed through the pains in my growing up years and thus healing.  In this church, I saw friends like my family.  I know that when I need a sounding board, I will get it.  When I am so in need of prayers, all I have to do is just to call someone.  I never once felt lost when I am at home.  When my dad passed away, I safely depended on my friends to prepare the service for me.  When I suffered my miscarriage, friends cried along with me.  When I conceived again, friends danced together with me.  I am thankful for all the shepherds in my life who took care of me & dared to speak truth into my life.

I have spent a good 12 years in this church.  Not a very long period of time but ain't short either.  I pray that as the church grows, we will continue to keep the bond strong horizontally with one another and vertically with God.

The day you turned 6 weeks old

Dearest Faith,

"Your 6-week old's development:

Now that your baby's awake for longer period during the day, you can use these times to support his sensory development. Try singing your favorite lullabies or playing music. Don't limit yourself to children's sons. Fill the house with the sounds of music and watch as your baby expresses his pleasure through coos, lip smacks, and jerking arm and leg movements.

Your baby may not be able to talk yet, but his face is sure telling you a lot.  He's experimenting with different facial expressions - pursing his lips, raising his eyebrows, widening or squinting his eyes and furrowing his brow.

- From Baby Centre"

It's amazing how I felt that you were already a 6-week old baby when you were 4 weeks old. You never fail to amaze your daddy and me with the various expressions that you love to make.  Mummy's favorite expression of your is the one where you look most satisfied and you want no more milk down your little tummy.

Caring for you still remained the greatest challenge yet the greatest satisfaction.  Never in my life have I faced with a situation where I could be so helpless. How I wish that God will throw me a manual.  Yet, it's also in those helpless situations that I find myself seeking more of God for His wisdom.

You are growing progressively well and adapting very well to the bedtime routine.  By 8:30 - 9pm, we would prepare you for your wipe down.  You enjoy looking at the ribbon mobile that mummy made for you and coupled with the music, that was sufficient for you to know it's diaper change or wipe down time. Thereafter the wipe down, we will feed you at 9-9:30pm and then you enjoy your time alone to stone till about 10pm and you amazingly just doze off yourself to sleep.  You could sleep for a stretch up to 2am.  After the 2am feed, another stretch to about 6:30am with a cuddle break at 5am.  Daddy and I are super proud of you yet at the same time, very thankful to God for His grace.  We give thanks for you are indeed an easy girl to care for.

 

You recently also had your Hep B jab and had your development assessment done.  Despite your small appetite of 80mls per feed, you are growing well and you are now a good 4.1kg. Mummy's arms are getting some biceps soon!  PD complimented what a good-natured little girl you are.  You courageously took your jab, shouted out with a sharp cry and as soon as let out that cry, you stopped. Hey! You take jabs easier than mummy!

We also recently noticed that you don't take your feeding very well. Every few suckles, you will yank your head off the bottle in anger but you will cry for milk.  When you start to suckle again, you got angry.  After awhile, it does get worrying.  Trial and error and we decided to get you a new milk bottle.  Ta-da! That milk bottle worked like magic! Seeing how you happily suckle and drink makes all the money spent so worthwhile.

Daddy and I are beginning to bring you out a little more often now.  A trip to McDonald's for breakfast, a trip to Nex to buy stuffs for you, a trip to church.. So far, you seemed to be taking it well but wondering if it could be due to the fact that you sleep through except when you are due for your feed.  In fact, we are beginning to think that you love being outside! Each time you cry, a walk along the corridor or void deck was sufficient to put you to sleep.

Daddy continues to bathe you every morning before he goes to work and daddy always rushes home immediately after work if there's no Lifegroup or band practice.  But on those days, daddy will still rush home JUST in case you might just be awake so to give you a goodnight kiss.  As for mummy, I cannot imagine having to go through separation anxiety when the time comes for me to return to work.

We love you our little feisty darling.

Morning look.. :)

Family outing when Faith turned 6 weeks old - Haircut!

Month old

My dear expressive little one,

You are officially one month old today.  Daddy and I are learning something new about you daily. Found that you have moments where you just love being by yourself.  When 奶奶 or myself tried to carry you, you would cry. Only when you were placed back to your cot that you calmed down.  You can coo and look around for a full hour with such alert eyes and not feel bored.  I often wonder what about my wardrobe that you love so much? :)

Today you were a tad cranky. I began to wonder if I had read your hunger cues wrongly.  Of the many feeds, only one feed you drank well and drank all.  With the other feeds, you cried after every 3 suckles. After many diapers change and fed, you continued to cry.  Finally carried you and walked up and down the corridor.  You love it so much that you fell asleep fast! You know, when mummy was a baby, that's what your 公公 did for me, only that he climbed stairs.

My dear little one, you have brought so much life and color to our lives.  We love you and we don't want anything less than what you are teaching us. We pray daily that God will watch over you and you will learn of His love for you.

Techniques

Just weighed you my little darling & you are finally almost a kg above your birth weight - 2.9kg.  It is so nice seeing you getting chubbier and rounder in your cheeks, both face and bottom. :)

Today you were a tad cranky not wanting to sleep until you had your bath despite having your favorite massage by Aunty.  No matter how I tried to carry you, put you in the sarong, cajoled you to sleep (or so I thought), your eyes will be brightly lit up in less than 5 minutes.  I concluded that the crankiness was a result of the morning bath that was skipped in view of the massage and so you had your evening bath slightly earlier.  You cried so much when I tried to wash your hair, face, mouth but kept smiling and laughing when you are placed inside the tub.  You, little one, just love bath time! You slept through thereafter.

I enjoy seeing you hiccup, somehow.  Reminds me warmly of the moments when you were inside of me. Everyday, I will await the moment when you have your daily hiccups.  Now, you can hiccup through a feed.  Sometimes, you can hiccup almost an hour after a feed! That's almost as long (& more) as we need to carry you to get you to sleep because you just love to be cuddled.

Now, burping is the other art that we need to learn.  Sometimes, you burp so fast while seated upright on lap.  Sometimes, you take forever to burp.  As if in replacement, you let out a loud fart.  You also love to be on daddy's shoulders upright.  Sometimes you burp, sometimes you fall asleep.

I guess what mummy is trying to tell you, my darling, is that I am still trying to understand and know you.  You are such a unique individual and I am trying to understand the meaning of each cry.  It's really one thing to attend classes and know the techniques, it's another to have you with us and KNOW the techniques. :)

Nonetheless, my little darling, we love you. :)

3 weeks old

Parenting is a school for spiritual formation

-----------------------------------------------------------

And our children are our teachers

-Gary Thomas-

Dear Faith,

Such a miracle you are to daddy and myself.  Last year at 6 weeks of conception, you gave daddy and me a scare when I suddenly bled.  It was a relief when Dr Wen said that all is well with you.  Then, I knew that you are one strong resilient little one.

As you turn 3 weeks old tomorrow, I still tear each time I look at you when you sleep.  I love to just sit by your side and stare at you when you sleep. That peaceful look is priceless.  Time spent with you is so precious.  Whenever I look at you, I still can't believe that you are finally out and we are daddy and mummy to a little girl.  In the last 3 weeks when daddy and I hands on to take care of you, I wished God will just drop us a manual or a to-do list so that we know what we can do for you or what those cries mean.

You are one little girl with a character.  When you need your feed, you will cry till your little face turned all red until you get your milk.  Thus, every 3 hours, we would have our mini battle of you needing to latch on correctly to my breasts.  You love cleanliness so with each pee and each poo, daddy knows that he will have to change your diaper. You love to be hugged to sleep and when you are put down, you'll start to whimper to be carried again.  To be honest, we just love to carry and cuddle and kiss you.  Sometimes, to the point I pray that you would not be too spoilt by all these carrying, cuddling and kissing. :)

You never fail to brighten up our day with your endless expressions.  Popo, yiyi, daddy and I can stand forever at your cot looking at your expressions changing almost every second.  We wonder, how could a newborn be so ever expressive?!

The first two weeks, we were so convinced that you dislike bathing! Now, bath time is daddy's mini battle with you.  You would cry your lungs out whenever daddy attempted to bathe you for that 1.5 weeks.  After 2 weeks of stay at Popo's house, daddy and I decided that we are truly the new kids on the block when it comes to caring for a newborn.  We hired a nanny for 2 weeks so that we can learn the basics, right from feeding to sterilizing to bathing to changing of clothes.

In just 21 days, you braved the hospital 4 times.  When you were 5 days old, we got a scare when your temperature reached 37.2deg.  Your doctor, Dr Terence Tan, was sharp and immediately knew that you might be dehydrated in view that mummy wasn't able to latch you on properly.  At the same time, doc decided to put you on photo therapy to bring your jaundice level down.  You were then known to Dr Tan as a little chilli padi.  You fought your health back without much injections and by the 3rd day, you were discharged.  We went back to the hospital again 2 more times for you and me to learn how to be breastfeed and be breastfed properly.  The 4th time was just last night when you refused to sleep cause of the wind in your stomach.  We were so worried that all those crying will make things worse for you and decided to bring you back to the hospital for medication.

Motherhood has changed me and it's a role which I have never thought I would have felt an overwhelmed of emotions.  It is also one of the toughest role that I have ever attempted to take up.  Never have I been this stretched in my capacity to love.  Never have I had someone so dependent on me before either.  In your little ways, you have taught me so much.  You are a reminder to us how gracious God is to us.  As we seek God for more wisdom as parents, may you also know of the love God has for you.  

We love you, our little darling Faith.