Heavy

As I am writing this, tears are falling. After more than a year of fighting, Yen finally went home to the Lord.

I am completely amazed how this lady, whom I barely knew, has such a huge impact on me.  We spoke probably only twice? Once in Brisbane and once in Singapore when we bumped into each other a couple of months back.

Recalling when I was on my solo Perth trip last year.  I went with a very heavy & painful heart, not knowing where is God in my life, who is God in my life.  I almost couldn't find answers but I kept seeking for answers.  I read books, I read the bible, I read everything and I read Yen's blog. I recalled it lifted me up.  I still couldn't find the answer I was looking for but she taught me that through tough situations is where God is most evident.

My heart ached knowing how critical her situation was. My heart ached at the thought that she has left behind her husband and 4 year old daughter. Tears just fell when Geo told me "Do you know your friend has passed away?" (His friend commented on Yen's husband's Facebook status) I wondered - Where is God in her life? Why does bad thing happen to good people? (The classic questions)

Then I realized that her passing had brought about a legacy of who her God is.  How GOOD her God is, how MARVELLOUS her God is.  That the peace of God can still transcend in us amidst tough times.  And that God is the same God I worship.

As I struggle through my tough times now, I see how acutely faint my circumstance is compared to Yen yet her relationship with God remained steadfast.  Through her, I learnt, truly, what Philippians 3:14 means - I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Thank you so much Yen, for you life.  I wish, heartfelt, that I had known you deeper.  I would really really really really have loved to have a cup of tea with you and exchange notes.  That said, I am sure you are in a better place right now. 

http://psalm117.blogspot.sg/2012/10/the-evening-walk-in-valley.html

1 week to 7 months

Darling dear,

Mummy is on a writing streak again.  If you realize, it's happening only on days when your daddy attends music practice for Sunday service.

Lest I have no time to jot things down when you turn 7 months on the exact, I think I better do it today.  Today, you are just 1 week short to be a 7-month old baby.  At 7.6kg, mummy's shoulders are aching with all the carrying but I am enjoying every moment of it.  I want to carry you, kiss you, cuddle you all I want now because you will soon be running and not wanting any of it.

You are sitting very steadily now and you can play by yourself! *clap clap clap* Also, you somehow talk as if you are singing.  By God's grace, I am getting more sleep because you can sleep through the night! Praise God for the invention of humidifier.  The minute I moved it from one end of the room to having it right in front of your cot, you slept throughout!

Toys are beginning to interest you a little more.  I sure hope that you will show more interest in books other than it being a biting toy. OH! Speaking of biting! Yes, your bottom two teeth have sprouted out! Mummy got so excited upon seeing it that I kept screaming out in joy - while you were crying. :) Well, at least that stopped your crying.

Having you have taught me what maternal instinct is.  At first I thought the minute I have a child, I would have the immediate instinctive to know what to do as a mother.  No, absolutely not.  If that is the scale where mothers are rated upon, I would probably fare very poorly.  To me, it simply means that as our relationship builds, I will know you better. I can better distinct your different cries, laughter, breathing and bring to you what comfort you best (to my best). 

It is very nice bringing you out now.  You are more predictable and I don't feel so all over the place when you start crying when you are outside.  I have also found a carrier which you love.  It's as if magic has taken place! The minute you are inside, you stop crying or whining.

I simply love her hearty laughter.  She is such a joy!!!

You are a joy.  Truly a joy.  When I see your 姨姨 & 婆婆 carry and hug and kiss you, I know you are a joy.  Your smiles, laughter & googoogaga could send all of us giggling.  Every now and then I would be sending photos to your godma, 姨姨 & 婆婆 and that picture would have made their day! See, what a joy you are!

I pray daily, that this joy will not be robbed away from you.  May God teach daddy and mummy how to parent you, may He grant us the wisdom, show us His grace and grant us His mercy.

3 generation... My mum & sis whom I love dearly.

E.M.B.R.A.C.E

I have been thinking, A LOT, in view of the happenings happening at home front, with the little one, at work and how, truly, to link humanity with spirituality.

On Saturday, I had some friends over at my house, on the context to visit Faith. We were all colleagues from my previous org and it has been very nice to see and hear how we have progressed in what we are doing.  Most of us are supervisors to the more junior social workers.  In our conversation, we spoke about our gladness when we "strip our supervisees naked and have them face themselves straight in the eye".  That's just a way of saying that unless we bring our supervisees to the point of breaking, their work with their clients is probably just going to be a job and nothing else.  That said, we do all these in love.

Stripping naked and seeing ourselves in the eye.

How often had I gone through this process myself as a young budding social worker?  I remember the first time I faced a violent father, I went soft in my knees bringing back memories of how I was caned by my father when I was young.  I was stunned throughout the session because I never knew how much that caning I received in my childhood had an impact on me. That was my first work I had to work on within myself.

As a social worker, as a counselor, as a helping professional, we would want our clients to be as real as they can, to face their fears squarely in the face and work through those emotions - be it positive or negative.  I caught myself, recently, telling someone who was mourning over a loss 'It's okay.'.  I immediately apologized because it is NOT okay to that person who is mourning. So what makes me the expert of her life and say that it's okay?

So, my question is then, where is God in all of these inner battle?  Often, it is one thing to say "God is still good no matter what" and believing truly that God is good despite difficult circumstances which we don't feel so positive about.  How can we feel humane about the situation and evoked emotions and bring spirituality into the picture?

After 7 years in this line, 35 years living on earth, I am beginning to learn how to embrace myself.  I am now able to look squarely at myself and tell myself "Yes, I am angry, I am furious and I am infuriated.  I don't know what I am going to do about it right now but I am not going to deny those feelings.  It is real and I am struggling.  So I am not going to batter myself up to be okay when I am not really okay.  I am going to fight it out with you God."  I have also learned to embrace that God allows situations in my life to happen.  Truly, life is not perfect but God is.

Lyrics from Crooked Lines resonates very well at this point - There's a reason for every detour and every scar, His mercy has always been written in the stars.  He is just simply what we aren't. His grace is more than sufficient and His mercy is all we need to know that He loves us simply for who we really and truly are.

To whoever who is reading this - No, I am not depressed.  :)  Just food for thought.