Dearest husband.....

Blink blink and we are married for 2 years.  I have always thought I would have remained single.  It's now the joke how you have spoiled my plans to buy a flat at age 35.

Of course, all that is said, I must also say that God's hands upon our lives has been amazing.  When I first rejected you, I have never once thought that you would persevere on.  The most awkward moment was probably when I knew you had joined my (previous) organization. As much as I appreciate the friendship, it was never an open topic between us why I rejected you then and how you had felt.  Thankfully, we never get to work together as we were miles apart (literally!).

Looking back, we are amused by the rejection, the perseverance, the thick-skin-ness, the awkwardness, etc... However, after all the talk, I also realized what made us continue the friendship despite the funny feelings, were our basic belief in maintaining and treasuring friends.

Dearest, you have been an amazing husband.  You are always willing to change and compromise if what I say makes sense.  Yet, you also have this stubbornness when things go against the principles or character of God.  Your steadfastness & faithfulness have helped to slow me down to think and rethink what is better.

I appreciate you a lot because at every instance, you will still choose God & his ministry.  No matter how tired you are, I still see your heart's desire to attend every band practice.  Playing for God, to you, is such a privilege and should not be taken for granted.  Despite your tiredness and much desire to watch NBA, you will choose me (& my nagging to get you to do household chores).  You choose to work harder than the usual normal hours so that you can bring in more income yet never compromising to spend time with me. 

Thank you my dearest, for your love and commitment towards God and me (& little Faith now).  You are amazing and no words can describe how I truly feel.  I look forward to growing old with you, holding your hand and walking to McDonalds at Bishan Park together with Faith (& perhaps the 2nd one) on every first day of Chinese New Year.

Priorities

"God has given us 24 hours.  Of it, 8 hours belong to work.  So when we work, we work hard for that 8 hours.  After that, I don't expect you to do OT because the remaining hours belong to your family and yourself."

Such words of wisdom from my ex-supervisor.. For the longest time, this word "Priority" has been weighing on my mind.

In my working life, last June, I was asked by my boss if I would like to take up the leadership role to start up a new programme. Prayed through it.  Discussed with Geo.  Thought through the pros and cons.  Chatted with my colleague.  Finally, decided that I will take it up.  I kinda saw it as a chance again to do something which I felt that I failed to do in my previous organization.  After all, failures are the mothers of success.  I was mindful not to simply live up to the expectations that others have set upon me yet at the same time, being very mindful also not to set sky high expectations.

In my married life, the biggest struggle I had was to juggle my time between two families - Geo's and mine - amidst ministry, friends and work.  I strive to spend time with both families, amidst the difficulties.  I do not think that our parents has expectations on us to always be around.. Neither do I think that we have placed high expectations on ourselves.  Neither do I think that it's about being fair.  However, I do believe in honoring the hearts and hands who painstakingly brought us up

With the coming of Faith, Geo and I has been chatting about how shall we go about spreading our time.  What will our priorities be by then?  Is ministry going to take a backseat?  How is couple time going to look like by then?  Between Faith and me, who should Geo focus more on?  Likewise, between Geo and Faith, who am I going to focus?

We then concluded that above all (other than God), family comes first.  Within the family unit, the marriage is most important.  How we behave as a couple, Faith will pick it up.  We strongly believe that a good marriage life is the foundation of being good parents. 

Ahead of us is a life we do not know, to be honest.  We can only be as prepared as we can be.  Ultimately, setting our priorities right, seeking God's wisdom is the only way to go.  Whether at work, or with family or even as a couple, priorities shapes who we are. 

Off days

Bi-weekly, I will enjoy a Thursday off (though that is on the condition that I work on Saturday that week).  Wednesday night I began to plan what can I do the next day. So, what did I do today?

I woke up at 6am for my nightly routine toilet break.  Geo was very nice.  He always try his best to wake up and make the trip with me (sometimes despite his tiredness).  It suddenly hit the both of us that after March, there will be no more sleep ins, there will be no more couple time whenever we want. 7 years later, we would have to learn to wake up early (& I mean early) to make breakfast and get her ready for school.

Suddenly, I had a quick flashback of myself when I was very young.  My primary school was just downstairs, a cool 5 minutes walk.  Every night, mummy will look through my homework.  Every morning before the sunrise, mummy will prepare breakfast.  Daddy and mummy will go to work.  There were a couple of years when mummy did her part time night Diploma course.  On hindsight, now I wonder where mummy got all the energy from.


After the quick flashback, I dozed back off to Zzz-land, part 2.  After 2 hours, woke up and had breakfast with Geo and as he was preparing for work, I went back to Zzz-land part 3!! Haaa!  I woke up more refreshed.  Once I was up and about, I can't seem to sit still.

Checked out the food available in the fridge and cooked my lunch.  After that, cleaned the stove, scrubbed the lines in between the tiles.  I find myself addicted to this scrubbing.  Initially, it was just one cross that I was working on.. Soon, I was working on the whole kitchen. Honestly, it was such satisfaction! 

My OCD-ness

Macaroni lunch

Movie for the day.  A 1979 show about a wife's departure, a couple's divorce and a fight of son's custody.  I must have watched it when I was in Primary school...? I kinda figured that this is probably the show that opened me up to what family life, couple's relationship and empathy is all about.  :)

Little Faith

This has been such an exciting period of time for Geo and myself.  Even before little Faith is out, she is already so well loved by many - aunt, grandmother, mummy's friends and colleagues.  She has been such a blessing to us.  Already she has taught us so much.  Through little Faith, I experienced just a little, very little, of God's love for me.  Suddenly the verse that speaks about God already knowing me when I was in my mother's womb became so real.

As the little one got more active, we began to guess where is her location inside my womb.  Is that bump jutting out her elbow or her knee? Is that the little hands that moved.  We also realized that little Faith respond pretty well to music.  She would move each time I turn on iSis Trio's cello, harp and violin! Secretly, I hope that she would take up a string instrument.  I am already imagining how things will be like to have father and daughter play music together.

I am enjoying the little one within me yet I can't wait for her to be out to hug and kiss her.  Every kick excite me, every movement brings a smile to my face.  Daily, I pray that labor will come easy for me. :)

Spiritually, daily, I will exchange fear with faith.  Exchange fear with strength.  The entire pregnancy has taught me lots and I know that Faith will teach me much more.

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Dear Faith, bear with mummy cause as many clients and children that mummy has helped over the years, mummy know that having you is something new in daddy's and my life.  Know that we love you dearly.  Even before you are out, you are already dearly loved. Do you know that every night, daddy will listen to you? Each time you move, daddy will excitedly come to mummy's tummy.  Daddy also likes to chat with you.  Every night, daddy will kiss you goodnight.  Of course, there may be one or two days of exception because daddy was too tired after playing for church service.

Faith, always know that you are dearly loved.  Not just by daddy and mummy or aunty or grandparents.. You are dearly dearly dearly loved by God.  God knows you already even when you are inside mummy's womb.  Your name was impressed to daddy by God.  :)

Faith, this is daddy talking to you.

... and this is little Faith 29 weeks inside me.

Faith

30 weeks 

This week, your baby has reached about 40cm long. She weighs about 1.3kg, roughly the same as a head of cabbage. Nearly a litre of amniotic fluid surrounds your little one. That volume will decrease as your baby gets bigger and takes up more room in your uterus. 

Your baby's eyesight continues to develop, though it's not very sharp. Even after birth, your baby will keep her eyes closed for a good part of the day. She will respond to changes in light but will only make out objects a few inches from her face.  

Another 9 more weeks and little Faith will be out. While I was sojourning down south at Perth, getting pregnant was the last thing on mind. Thus I didn't do any tests though physically, the thought passed me by. I was extremely tired during the entire trip which I attributed it to the cold winter wind, a sudden de-stress from work, the freedom to sleep all I want. However, tiredness continued after I returned and I decided to do a check. That evening, Geo was in the church's conference practice. I did what I normally wouldn't do - call him during practice. I was so excited when the stick showed a clear positive sign! Thereafter, it became a joint decision that we will keep it hush hush because we were worried of the many "what ifs".

Fear, however, crept in 3 days later when I started to bleed. Amidst all my calmness, I feared. What kept coming back to me was the time I spent with God at Perth. Then, He clearly told me - San, I am for you. I am with you. Do not fear. Called Geo, went gynae and got one hormone jab, 2 packs of hormone pills and 2 week of bed rest.

That weekend, I didn't make it for the church conference and Geo was asked by plenty of his LG members where was I and he brushed it away intentionally and changed topic quickly.  It was finally at one point during the conference that he was convicted by God that we should step out in faith and claim that God will see the pregnancy through.

At home ground (on bed), I was also spending time with God.  I was again reminded that He is for me and with me and He will grant me strength -  Strength that no one else can give.

In his excitement, Geo smsed me of his conviction and shared that he had a very strong impression that we will be having a girl and that we will name her Faith. Faith. I love this name so much.  Thus, right from the 5th week, the little Aw in me has a name - Faith, Faith Aw.

It was a such a thin line between faith and fear. No doubt, there were slight injections of fear here and there.  There was a morning when I got so worried cause I slept so well that night! (The many nights before, I didn't sleep well because the little one was kicking me so much)... Just as quickly that fear crept in, I was quickly reminded me of the life Job.  He had everything but in a very short time, all was taken away from him.  However, Job remained filled with faith and trust in the Lord.  Then, I prayed - that all I want is the same faith that Job has.

A quick recap

It has been such a long time that I actually came to this space to air my thoughts. Time kinda stopped for me, perhaps to grieve, perhaps to reflect, perhaps to take stock of life.

After the miscarriage in Jan 2011, Geo and I had our first spiritual retreat as a married couple. We cried, we talked, we prayed, we worship and the Lord impressed upon our heart to let go of the pain of the loss, to live a life that's loved by him and in doing so, finding His favor in our lives. The verse He gave us for the year was from Psalms 37:4 "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.". And so, we embarked the year wanting to fully trust God.

On a personal note, it didn't come easy for me. I would be slapping myself in the face if I were to just simply proclaim that I no longer feel the pain of the loss of the child. Pain came when friends who were pregnant around the same time as me delivered. Pain came when I hear complains from parents of their children. Pain came when I had to attend to a client who wanted to abort her child.

Finally, I decided to do what I did before - Run away from Singapore. It was timely that I was sent overseas so I 将计就计... Extended the trip and traveled by myself. It was an amazing trip back to God.

Where was Geo in all of these? At this point of time as I am typing this away, I recognize how different man and woman can be. How Geo grieved was different from how I grieved. Through this, I saw his total dependence on God. Unlike him, I dwell more. It's one thing to say "Ok God, I let go.", it's another thing to say "I still want to hold on a little more." If there is one thing I felt most throughout was a sense of thanksgiving that in the whole matter, Geo never once felt that I was naggy, upheld me in prayers and trusted me to be on my own extended solo trip.

I came back refreshed and 2011 really started in July for me. :)

Things happened very fast thereafter. That - will be in my next blog.

A heart like David

When I left Singapore for Brisbane, I appreciated that there are so much space. Easily I could see the sky. The richer ones could also pay a plane to conjure words in the sky (That was how proposals and companies did their advertisements!). If you ask me now 'What do I miss most?', I'd probably say 'The skies.'

A decade on, I have learn to enjoy the skies in Singapore. I believe a Christian life is like trying to peer through the obstacles of trees and buildings, just to get a glimpse of the blue skies. If all is easy and smooth, then where is the growth? If all is so-wonderful, would I mature in my spiritual walk?


Just a few days ago in preparing for caregroup discussion, I was reminded the soft and broken heart of King David in 2 Samuel 12. Prophet Nathan, summoned by God, went to David and rebuked him for committing adultery. When Nathan gave an illustration, David was quick to point out who was in the wrong and in fact, he "burned with anger" and insisted that the man must die!

Then, when Nathan told David in the face that HE was like that man, David immediately repented (Psalms 51). It was such a sorrowful Psalms. It was so heartfelt, so broken. His immediate reaction when he was corrected was not "NO, can't be me! How can it be?". It was filled with repentance and he begged for God's mercy.

I began to see why was David placed in high esteem in the hall of fame in Hebrews, along with many many others. They are not perfect beings. They have their flaws and weaknesses. Yet, in the midst of all their pitfalls, they have a heart that is attuned to God. I believe, God honors that.

I want to learn to have a heart like David's. A heart that longs for God, a heart that only want to please God. As I peer through the many obstacles, I know that what lies beyond are the promises God has installed for me.