Do Ba Lek

"San ah! I know what's wrong with the flower that Matthew gave to you already! The leaf is in the wrong position!"

Haaaa!!! I was staring at it for a few minutes feeling that the flower is queer looking. Either I am tired or I am simply not thinking. After the call, I went to my room's door and looked at the flower again. Mummy walked past and I asked her "Mummy, you know what's wrong with this flower?". "Aiyo... The leaf do-ba-lek (upside down) la!", she replied teasingly.

Sigh... Where have I left my brains?

Mini Holiday in Singapore

As we brought Matthew and John for a walk, Pearly and myself figured that we probably would not have a holiday trip together - at least in the near future. Recently, she went on a holiday for the first time in 18 years with our common friend from Secondary School and we concluded that it would take longer than 18 years for us to go on a holiday together.

The major difference is that we both have differing views on the type of accommodation. The minor difference is that we both have different likings, I more towards adventure and don't really like shopping. I can walk non-stop up to a mountain top but I can't shop for 2 hours.

However, I figured that in time to come, we would have a holiday together. At least, I am hoping for that day to come.

ANYWAY, we recently had a mini-holiday in good 'O Singapore. We went to Wild Wild Wet!!! Hahaha!!!! It was great fun and Matthew refused to leave the colorful slides. When he knew it was the last slide he could play, he had a difficult time choosing which one he could go for. While the boys were bathing, Pearly and I went for those adults rides. Hum... I feel like we are back in Thomson Sec. Haaaa!!

John do not like being constrained by a life jacket. :( Wait another year or two, he'll probably enjoy it better.

A gift

If the best gift a father can give to their children is to love their mother and the best gift a mother can give to their children is to give them her time, I wonder what would the best gift be for a godmummy to give her godchildren? I concluded - Time and Energy.

I spent some time with my best friend and my 2 godsonnies. It's amazing. It was just 2.5 weeks ago that I was with them and today, John, the little one, could go on and on and on calling me godmummy, godmummy, godmummy. Usually, I could only hear this coming from Matthew. I am amazed at how fast children can grow and change.

What was really heartening was to see that Matthew was deeply loyal to his mummy. He is so attached and close to mummy. To him, mummy's the best! Mummy's favorite color is pink and so is Matthew's.

He presented me with a wonderful gift made by himself. It's greeting me each time I enter my room.

Yes and No. Simple as ABC.

I always believe that God answer prayers in 2 ways - Yes and No. Simple right? Simple yet nerve wrecking actually. When it's a Yes, it's either immediate or WAIT. Now, who loves to wait?

Anyway, whenever I am required to wait, seeing the seed born into a fruit is a wonderful feeling.

I returned to Singapore about 6 years ago armed with a Bachelor in Engineering. However, even during my 2nd semester of Engrg studies, I was very sure that I had made a wrong choice. It may seemed very selfish to some but a year after my return, by faith, I decided to follow what I seemed to have heard from God and I made an application to do a Graduate Diploma in Social Work. Amazing things happened!

1. I have had absolutely NO idea how I could get myself enrolled into the course (with no experience whatsoever), but I got enrolled.
   
2. I had cold feet during my first day of lesson and I had thoughts of pulling out (Social Work means I have to talk to strangers and I do not know how I could do that!)! However, I decided to look at my class list and I saw a very familiar name and realized it was a fellow church member! What great comfort.
   
3. Then, I had no idea how I could pass my exams (with tons of strange reading and working full time) but I had to be blessed with a classmate who was looking for a study partner and he came over to my place almost everyday to study.
   
4. In order to do my internship for 4 months, I had to quit my job. One day, out of the blue, my study partner asked me if I would like to have an education bursary?
5. After 4 months of internship, I was offered a job.
6. After graduation, I got a 50% reimbursement under the Strategic Manpower Conversion Programme for those who wants a career change.
   

Now, do I see God's hands moving in that decision?

Well, what I did not mention was that I did receive slight disagreement with my mummy. Although I could lay out the "career path" of a social worker, it is still a fact that I have wasted my degree. Although the criteria for the Graduate Diploma is a basic degree, it is still like a wasted degree. I remember telling mummy "Mummy, I would really rather be in a job that I love cause when I love it, I can perform and scaling the job "ladder" would be easier.". She had her doubts, of course. I prayed.

Great great blessings fell in expected and unexpected ways. In the past almost 3 years, I had about 4 increments in various forms & sizes. Thanks to the awareness of social work, there was also the announcement from the govt last year for pay increment.

Of recent weeks, mummy is genuinely showing a HUGE interest in my work. It started out with me coming home one day feeling so dejected and I started sharing one case with her. Soon, everyday, mummy will ask me "So how is so-and-so today?". She will always be SO amused by my frustration and the look of I-have-no-more-ideas-on-what-to-do-to-this-child. Yesterday, I had one of the BEST chat with mummy. She empathized with me, empathized with the child and shared with me tips on what I can do. She also shared tips on how I can be a better supervisor and it was almost over 2 solid hours!

Honestly??? I was in awe of God. I prayed for mummy's approval, I prayed that she will come to understand one day what I am doing, I prayed for God's hands to be over my job. Increasingly, I am seeing things come to past.

My point is very simple. God answers prayers. God changes hearts. God loves me! I am precious! I am His beloved! Let go & simply let God work. It's through valley lows that we can experience mountain highs.

Healing

The greatest barrier to own healing is not the pain, sorrow or violence inflicted upon us as children. Our greatest hindrance is our ongoing capacity to judge, to criticize, and to bring tremendous harm to ourselves. If we can harden our heart against ourselves and meet our most tender feelings with anger and condemnation, we simultaneously armor our heart against the possibility of gentleness, love and healing. – Wayne Muller

Painful emotions deals with our inner state of being like fear, anger, sadness, hatred, disgust, ugly, shame, etc. With emotions comes the painful thoughts like revenge, denial, great sense of distrust, self-centeredness, depression, blaming, labels, etc. With emotions and thoughts, come the behavior. Pain-based behavior is an attempt to hide the pain behind a so-called brave mask just so as to escape from it.

Upon reflection, in my secondary school days, I used to keep people at a great distance because I fear the pain of being rejected. I fear being rejected because I often feel angry with my family as I felt unwanted. In return, people did keep a distance from me as they perceived it as I was being too high and mighty, arrogant. As I think about it, I wonder how turn off I must have been for the people around me.

As I am typing this, I am totally amused by myself now. In the afternoon, I was hopping mad at one of my child at the Home. As much as my heart goes to him when I hear the pain when he was rejected, his behavior was utterly fist-clenching. A slap nearly went across his face.

I wish and I really really pray that one day, the love of God will melt that heart of his. I pray that he will one day reconcile with himself, find that peace & joy. These are HUGE words. HUGE HUGE words that are like alien to him now.

Missing the dogs?

The following photos may be slightly obscene but this entry is specially entered for my sister who's away.

Exchange

I was just having a good time by myself with God, singing my favorite 4-liner song - Jesus, name above all names.



While doing that at my table, I read an encouragement that my previous leader gave me. I was once again, reminded who is in control of my life, who is the One whom I can entrust my life with.


The Lord, my God, who created the heavens and the earth, is greater than anything, is above everything and has something in plan for everyone including me. He gives wisdom to me, the foolish and peace for my heavy heart. Forgives me when I sin. He gave up everything for me just so as to save me. My bitterness and hurt is washed away by the power of the blood that was shed at the cross. Indeed, You are in total control of my life. Thank you.

While I was surfing, I came across this Korean version of the song. Hair raising for me.

Stress???????????????

A friend who hadn't seen me in months commented that I lost a lot of weight. Soon, I heard the most interesting remark off another friend - Oh, she lost weight cause she's stressed and it's because she's in a relationship.

I thank God that He has given me someone who doesn't stress me for anything or with anything. I can be open with my thoughts and emotions. I know I can be angry openly and he will be willing and open to listen even if he's the one I am angry with. *hee*

So ya, I am not stressed. As for why I have lost weight.... well, I guess I am just naturally small in size la.

5 Languages of Apology

Just as it's ideal to learn how to love a person the way he/she loves to be loved, it's also equally or even more important to learn how to apologize. An apology is needed when hurt has been inflicted or harm has been done. It's a wonderful language to master as it has power to break the coldest heart.

5 Languages of Apology
- Expressing Regret: I am sorry.
- Accept Responsibility: I did it and I was wrong.
- Making Restitution: Find the person's love language and practice it
- Genuinely Repent: I won't do it again
- Request Forgiveness: Please forgive me

I reckoned that ultimately, it doesn't matter if we mastered these 5 languages. More importantly, we apologize with our heart and with it comes actions. Heartfelt apology can be felt.

Pattern

I am re-learning how to be disciplined with my time, making sure that every bit of my time is used to good use. Realized that I can lose anything BUT time. Nothing can ever make up for lost time.

Recently, I have taken on a new resident and we promised to support this resident till the end of PSLE. Part of our support is to fetch the resident to school and from school.

At least once or twice a week, I am "forced" to get up at 430am. I really dread as I am a night person. The good out of the bad of it all is that it made me sleep earlier. It also made me THINK how can I spend my time effectively from 7am - 9:30am.

So far, it has been 2 weeks. Last week, I used it to meet my sheep. Today I went swimming. I intend to meet my sheep next week and perhaps, another morning, squeeze a swimming session.

I observed that ALTHOUGH it's very tiring to get up from my bed in the morning, I do feel refreshed by the morning air.

I do hope, that at the end of it, I can keep this life-pattern consistent (i.e. Sleep early, wake up early)

Balance

When I started out as a budding social worker, I struggled badly with drawing a clear line between work and personal life. Often, I will get emotionally involved with the cases I deal with. Of course, it's good & healthy to have a certain extend of being emotionally involved. However, back then, I had difficulties managing things in a healthy manner.

Took me about a year to strike a 'better' balance between work and personal life, knowing how to remain soft yet not letting it ride over my personal values. Now, that's just Indirect Social Work.

A year ago, I moved into doing Direct Social Work and omigosh!, life has never been the same ever again. In my entry yesterday, I shared that I was spoken to with negative words. To be more explicit, in the morning, I was trying to explain repeatedly to a child "Look, I am not saying that I am not allowing you to go out and meet your friends. You are going to be a teenager. If you could share with me who your friends are, let me fetch you there, you can go. I cannot give in to your request today as I do need time to plan." All I did for 4 hours was to repeat that sentence. Later part in the afternoon, another child came back and a huge quarrel surfaced with shouting & painful anger. A quarrel that's between 2 children and a staff and I became the mediator. And I again, I found myself having to repeat "Look look look. Why are you shouting at me? Hey hey hey, let's work this out together even if it's to take 2 hours." For both cases, the approach I took was gentle & composed cause if I get heated up as well, it will just be a battle of loud voices.

In between time, I was told by several staff how difficult the weekend was and how nice it would be to have a rulebook. As much as I agree that there must be rules to govern a Home, I do not see how a punishment rulebook is helpful. The main and most important difference between a Consequence & Punishment is how a child sees it. There are the generic consequences like if you dirty up the place, you cannot go for an activity until you clean the mess up. The other type of consequence is when we have processed with the child his/her misbehaviour and he/she accepts it and together, a consequence is laid out. Of course, another easier way out is to simply lay down the punishment. For this 'bad' thing done, the consequences is as such. Makes me wonder isn't that just simply making our job easier? Cause it's harder to process feelings. It's easier to just set out punishments.

Well, I guess yesterday affected me more than I thought it would. I went back home thinking. Thinking about how we can best work with the children under our care. Thinking about how street-smart they are. Thinking about how the children could easily disarm us when the staff do not have good communication. Thinking about the dynamics of the staff at the Home. Thinking about how things could be managed. As I was thinking, I was reading an article on Residential Treatment and guess what? I simply dozed off, waking up only about an hour later and switched off the lights in a dazed manner. That was about 11pm.

At about 1:30am, vaguely, I heard Spanner whining & barking softly. It took me perhaps 15 mins to realize that Spanner had entered my room and is wanting to come up to my bed. It was too late & he was tired & he decided that he needed help up my bed. Guess what I did???? Subconsciously, in my sleepy state of mind, I remembered scolding Spanner!!! I said "It's not that I am not allowing you up my bed! I am allowing you up but you gotta jump up yourself. Always whine and I got to give in? No, you be independent! I cannot always be here to help you." I vaguely remembered Spanner jumping up thereafter and in just a few seconds, he jumped down and slept on the cold floor.

Even as I was really tired, I was feeling so so so so sorry! I know deep down, these are strong feelings that I felt yesterday. Although it may seemed like I am calm but I know deep down, I am affected, frustrated & angered even. Unknowingly, I had taken it out on my poor darling. It was so subtle, it was so subconscious, it was so unknowing.

Well, my consequences? Both my dogs have rejected me tonight. I am room-alone with no dogs to hug. *sob* I am wondering now - how to make up to them?????????? Well, at least Spanner.

Here and now

Sometimes, after putting in much effort in a child and the child turn around and hurl curses and vulgarities, it can be quite hurtful no matter how much I tell myself that the child is still a child and usually don't think too far. When they want things, they want it NOW. As much as I remind myself not to get personal, it's hard. It's hard to smile when all I feel like doing is to get as far away as possible from the child.

However, I believe strongly that behind every behaviour, there is a meaning. By the time a child gets into the Home system, they had already gone through much in their decade of life - Perhaps even much more than me.

I thank God, though, that I know that I am not working alone. I am working in a team and making decisions is generally a lighter burden.

Praise

How can we praise our child?

1. Look your child in the eye
2. Move close to your child
3. Smile
4. Praise a specific behaviour (You did well in helping me sweep the floor!)
5. Speak with feeling
6. Touch
7. Praise again
8. Smile again

I tried doing this with a boy whose self esteem is badly affected. Not too bad. I got a HUGE smile back.

Influence!

For years, I have always loved to sit at a round table when I go out in huge groups for meals. A round table ensured that no one is left out at a corner. A round table ensured for all to be able to see each other.

Circle time is a facilitating tools that we use with our residential kids. I use this when I had to manage the families when they have disputes. In a Circle Time, there will be a facilitator and a talking piece is used to pass around so that it can assure that only one person speak at a time. During this time, the facilitator must ensure that no one puts another one down and yes, when necessary, you can give your chance to talk a pass. Basically, it's a fantastic tool for everyone to allow their voice to be heard. Whether or not the others heard you, you get to speak out.

Yup, I have facilitated a few before (not fantastically successful) and never been involved in one. Tuesday was my first time.

There were some disputes with a few of my teammates at work recently and it was disturbing me badly. As much as I know that there are adjustment issues when a new team is formed, I feel that I have remained silent enough and so I approached my boss if we can address the issues. We sat and discussed through it and decided - Okay, silent enough. Time to talk it out.

Circle time. A wonderful tool indeed. Altogether, we went 4 rounds sharing and I would say that it is a therapeutic time for me. At least, I get to share my thoughts. For the last round, boss, the facilitator got us to share what is the one strength we bring to our team and to share at least one strength of everyone. Can guess how long we took in total? 3 hours. But well, it was 15 of us.

Again & again, I have come to realized how powerful words are. By the time the 2nd person shared my strength, I am already recharged and encouraged. (Okay, maybe because words of affirmation is my gifting). I remember Frank Sinatra's song - When You're Smiling (The Whole World Smiles With You). When one is positive, happy, joyful, it somehow is able to influence.



A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. - Proverbs 15:1

My 31st Birthday

I celebrated a quiet birthday this year - Just the way I love it.

1. Pearly & godsons surprised me on Monday. More stated here.

2. Friday night, attended a wedding with Geo & a few other church mates. Received a very very VERY heart felt card from my dear dear friend.

After the wedding, Geo told me that he's going to "bring" me to my favorite place located in the East - my home. I thought it was a fabulous idea since I really do not enjoy being out too late and I thought "Ok, he's just going to wait for the strike of 12.".

Well, I thought wrong. The entrance of my room was decorated, my gift was hidden, a bouquet of my favorite flowers on my table and a cake was in the fridge.

Whole story?
This boy took half a day leave & came over to my place to "set up". A week ago, while I was out with CG, he came over to my home and conspired with my mummy. Took her mobile number and arranged amongst themselves.

What could have given him away if I am more alert?
My dogs reacted to him like they just saw him not too long ago.
My dad called me in the evening asking me what time will I be home with Geo. I dismissed it stating that we are in a wedding and he won't be coming over.

Conclusion?
Over and over again, I thank God that he placed this guy in my life who loves my parents as much as he loves me cause it shows that who matters to me, matters to him. Thank you.

Oh yes, on the actual day, I did lunch & shopping with my parents at the shopping mall near my home. After which, spent time to play with my dogs then rest of the afternoon, wrote cards & wrapped gifts. Evening went out with Geo for dinner & a bumboat ride. Later that night, chatted on the webcam with Carol.

Not forgetting the smses, MSN msges and calls I received throughout the day even till today. Friends from long time ago, friends I quarreled with before when I was younger, friends I thought I wouldn't receive from, children from HopeKids, clients from work. Every msg is precious to me. Every friend is precious to me & I thank God for each one He placed in my life cause every friend helped sharpen me.

Fighting

I had a conversation with Hong Teck about a week plus back. He noticed a pattern from the fights. It comes from statements that provoke a 1st generation Christian to a 2nd generation. In that conversation, I remember feeling excited! Fights are always good teaching opportunities. Debrief a fight well and the children (whether 1st gen or 2nd gen) will have their negative emotions addressed and if there is a chance, can teach some life principles.

I never knew how worried Hong Teck was until it happened to me. Today, there is fighting in my Primary 2 class. In the best I know how, to avoid further injury, I restrained a boy. I tried to calm him in the best I know how. I tried to get the 2 boys to talk about it but one just wants to lash out, the other just want to provoke. Attention seeking? Fights lover? Differences in them both? Whichever the option is, I strongly believe that as long as I continue to commit the children to God, He will take care of them.

Small steps to great change!

My favourite place in my room - Bed

"Listen to your body. Rest if that's needed. Deep breaths, still the mind.... and of course, water of life"

Boss' advice to me when I couldn't get out of bed this morning for work.

Off to bed again.

Simple moments

"Godmummy, how old are you?"
"Count the candles..."
"Godmummy, you are 4 years old? I am 4 years old and you are 4 years old also?"

I can't use words to express how blessed really I am. Each time I pop over to Pearly's house, I bask in every moment of it. Today, I am even more blessed cause Pearly boiled my favorite Tom Yam and I tell you, it is REALLY good. I had to tell her (after 1.5 bowls, delicious mutton rendang, cuttlefish kangkong and one HUGE plate of rice), "Do I need to drink another bowl just to prove that it's fabulous?". And of course, I had a surprise "party" just for the 4 of us.

I was questioned which godson of mine is more handsome. I would really say both are uniquely handsome. When I look at them, I just melt. I am sure in a decade's time, they will be melting other girls' hearts.

First celebration with 2 godsons

Older one - Matt

Say "arh" John

Woman behind the surprise - Pearly

Sharpening

There are lots of verses in the bible that speaks about friendship and the one I LOVE most is from Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

Yesterday as I was driving, I turned and realized that a motorbike was very near to me. I swerved and gestured an apology cause I realized that in my tiredness, I did not check my blind spot.

In life, we have our "blind spots" too - areas in life that we are unable to comprehend, understand, fathom or realize. That's when friends can point it out to me so that I can "wake up". I truly believe that a true friend is one who dares to risk his/her friendship with me just so as to speak truth, biblical truth into my life. It's also in those moments that we sharpen each other, spur each other one, encourage one another and grow together in character and spiritually.

... Continuation to Expectations...

And so, in continuation to my conversation with boss.

He asked a question "Why is it that often when kids come to the Residential Home and they act up. Then as staff, as adults, we clam up and start fearing them and wonder why they act up? Isn't kids who act up most expected in this line of work?"

Honestly, expectations either prepare us or pull us down.

Recently, I have a boy who really really REALLY test my patience. Often, I have to grasp both my hands together to avoid a slap across his face. ALL the time, I have to watch my tone of voice cause easily, it will raise. Each time he gives me a smile, I feel like crying. I dread the moment while he is in the Home (cause I can never get my work done). I love each moment of peace when he's out.

And then I ask myself - When I assessed his case and write supporting letters to the court to have him in our Home, isn't his behaviour what I had already expected? Why am I reacting now? Have I lost my focus?

Conclusion: It's only with challenges that growth can happen.


Just had to snap this picture as I stepped out of my boss' office. A wonderful wonderful sight. I love where my Home is located at now. Lots of greeneries, vast skies and a beach nearby. Often I will go for walks to relax to have a breather. Alas, the ONLY thing I really detest is getting there from my own home. Heehee... I guess I can't have the best of both worlds!