Nervous

I drove the entire day. I gave myself no rest cause I know that if I stop, I would worry. I would be very nervous. So, if you could guess after the above 3 sentences, this entry is going to be unstructured and language very direct.

Ok, I am nervous. I am VERY VERY nervous over what verdict would the judge pass tomorrow. It's do or die. To me, it's literally life or death. Whatever verdict it will be, it's going to be the point that determines a child's life.

Finally at 7pm, after pondering for the entire day, I decided to ask my boss the 'smartest' question. My bigger boss then suggested to my boss to go to court with me tomorrow. My boss being law trained, would know the best legal terms to use. However, he knows nuts about my child. I, on the other hand, knows NUTS about legal terms but I would have lots to say about my child. Either way, we have no solutions.

Decided that I have had enough of my office so I made my way home. Boss and I left off with him assuring me that he will leave it entirely up to me if I want him there or not. Rather, am I confident enough to deliver the speech. I thought to myself and decided "Ok, I will face the battle without boss. I started on this case well, I will end it well. Already, agencies are fighting with each other. Add a boss into the picture, it's not going to help the situation any better. Might worsen things instead. And I really do need a closure on this case as I have been 'fighting' it with my entire being. I pray, I think and I pray and I think and I pray and I think."

Just now, boss called and said that big boss told him not to go with me. Reason? So that I will feel the relief myself. Basically, I need to go through that process. I need a closure. Tsk... Big boss is so wise. He doesn't know me but machiam like know me very well.

Halfway through the conversation, I burst out in tears. Either I am high strung or highly stressed. Both ways perhaps. I spoke to a colleague this evening in tears too. We ended up tearing together. Hahaha! I guess our heart just break when we see the child knowing that tomorrow is like the D-day for him.

For those reading this, this entire entry would sound strange. Don't mind me. I am just ventilating through the means of a blog.

In His Time

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven;
a time to born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
...... He has made everything beautiful in his time.
He has also set eternity in the heart of men"
- A time for everything, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11

Love.Receive.Give

Love is a many splendored thing – So Frank Sinatra sung.

These days, I have been pondering over this thing called Love. I was questioned by my kid “Sandra, what is love?” In my best reply, I told him “There are 4 types of love – Kinship love, Boyfriend-Girlfriend love, Husband-Wife love, God’s love. The way your grandma, aunt, uncle, mother, sister, cousin love you is kinship love, family love. Then boyfriend-girlfriend is the love a couple will have before they get married and when they marry to be husband and wife, the love continues. And of course, you know I go to church every Sunday right? It’s because I love my God and my God loves me. You got a god who loves you yeah?”

Over the weekend, I was helping out with a friend’s wedding and the pastor who was giving their exhortation emphasized “Love, is NOT a feeling. Love, IS an action. It takes commitment, it takes time.” I watched, teary eyed, the love that the couple share between each other. I was also touched by the simplicity of how their love for God has brought them together and the love they have for each other grows. Somehow, you know it. You will know it through the gaze that they have towards each other. They spoke without words and you will know that they love each other deeply.

Yesterday, I finally caught the show, Nights in Rodanthe, with Geo. Gerald was right. After the show, I felt a deep sense of loss for Adrienne (Diane Lane) when she lost her new love, Paul (Richard Gere). I feel the pain for her. The show started with Adrienne mourning the loss of her husband to another lady, leaving her with 2 children whom she protected against telling them the truth that their father had an affair. Her husband returned and begged for one more chance. Adrienne rejected for that moment and requested for the weekend to think about it while her husband took their 2 children out for a holiday. Adrienne had promised her best friend to care for her inn while she goes away.

As the book had it written and the movie portrayed, Paul met Adrienne. Paul travelled to Rodanthe to explain the death of his patient to her husband. Adrienne was most convinced that if she cannot excel at being the best wife or best artist, she will be the best mother. She was with her husband not driven by the love she has for her husband but by the love of her 2 children. She was torn making the decision whether she should forgive her husband and continue in the marriage. Paul was most convinced that if he cannot excel at being the best husband or best father, he will be the best doctor. Paul did not know love. All he wanted was to excel in his work, he takes pride in it. He was angry when the patient died on him. It had never happened before and his doctor son saw what happened. His son was angry that Paul did not explain to the family on her passing, instead he moved on to another operation.

They met. Adrienne found that she knows how to love a person again. She found that her passion for arts has not disappeared into the thin air yet. She found herself. Paul found that life has more to give than credits gained in a job. He found himself jealous of Adrienne glowing while she talks about her children, something he had never experienced before with his son. He found the capacity to love and to give, he found compassion. They found each other. Paul left for a rural area in Spain to help his son with giving medical aid to the villagers. Adrienne left for home to seal her failed marriage and to build her relationship with her teenage daughter. Love notes were exchanged and their love grew.

The hands on the clock kept ticking while Adrienne waited in anticipation of Paul’s arrival only to find Paul’s son at the doorstep, looking aghast, holding a box of Paul’s personal effects. I cringed in pain when Adrienne cried reading the last letter that Paul had wanted to send it out to her. She mourned for don’t-know how long to the bewilderment of her children. When she was stepping out, she told her daughter – someday, she (daughter) will find a love. A love that will give her the courage to be someone better, to be able to do the things that she’d think it’s impossible.

Geo and I hung around till we were the last to leave our seats. We left the cinema dumbfounded, quiet and wordless. All that we could mutter out was “Let’s go to the toilet.” It took us awhile before we started talking about the show. This show is not based on a non-fiction story yet what was portrayed was real and genuine. Someday, we will lose our loved ones but the show somehow stirred within us the pain of a loss which we had not experienced before and we cannot imagine that pain. We recommitted that we will not take each other for granted.

Today, I brought my kid out and in the short conversation that we had, I could feel the pain of the loss of the mother’s love that he yearned for so much, yet not being able to have it. As I stared at him eating, I felt so much like reaching out to him and give him a great big hug. Then again, no matter how many hugs I give, I recognize that no matter how many hugs I am going to give is going to replace his mother.

To end this entry, in every way, one cannot dispute that love is nature's way of giving a reason to be living. It indeed, can give us the courage to be someone better and may I add on that love can also give us the motivation to be someone better. If not for the love my parents have for me, if not for the grace and mercy of God, would I be who I am now? Would I have a reason for living? I am blessed and I do pray that as I receive, I give.