KNock KnoCk

I remember once in my class, someone mentioned that in Singapore, neighbors hardly know one another cause doors are usually and always shut.

It's true. Today, I had a door-to-door knocking session and I was super turned away.

Well, it made me reflect about my family.
I think many times, when someone come to my door and knock, my father will usually turn them away and not want to be surveyed too.

I wonder - Is it cause we are Asian thus a little close up? Or is it cause we don't like to be too revealing?

Hmm.. I don't know. But I told myself - Next time there's anyone come knocking, I will help them do the surveys. Poor things...!!! HAHA!!!

Fellowship

God is good. Those who agree, say Amen please.
Timing's always perfect and it's usually nothing more nor less.
Just when I WAS wondering - What exactly is fellowship all about? The book that I am basing my 40days prayer on led me to this topic "Experiencing life together"

Life is meant to be shared and God intends for us to experience life together. The bible calls it FELLOWSHIP. Real fellowship is more than showing up at services. It's experiencing life together (At this first opening statement, I went "Ah huh.. Not REALLY easy...")

Real Fellowship means
1) People experience authenticity
Genuine heart to heart sharing. Sharing of hurts. Revealing of feelngs. Confessing of failures. Disclosing of doubts. Asking for help and prayer.
In short, honest and humble. No pretending or superficial politeness.
No wonder God tells us to confess our sins to one another and pray for each other so that we can be healed.

2) People experience mutuality
The art of giving and receiving.
This brought me to my area of work.
Many times, I realised that we are diagnostic.
When someone comes with a problem, we try to come up with a solution and diagnose the condition.
Not realizing that - THAT diagnostic procedure is our agenda. Not the person's agenda.
When I do that, I realised that I am forcing that person to go by my agenda. Hmmmm....
Sometimes, perhaps, I fall into the category where I have already painted a picture and when someone come and add a different colour to the painting, I get frustrated.
But hey... mutual respect = give & take.

3) People experience sympathy
Sympathy is not giving advice or offering quick diagnostic help. Sympathy is entering in and sharing the pain of others. Sympathy says "I understand what you are going through and what you feel is neither strange or crazy."
Simply means meeting the needs to be understood and the need to have the feelings validated.

I am super thankful for my friends who just hear me ramble. They really helped me to know that (1) I understand you are going through a bad time. (2) I acknowledge your feelings

4) People experience mercy
Fellowship is a place of grace. Mistakes are not rubbed in but rubbed out.
God is mercy ain't He?

Towards the end, I told myself - If I wanna authentic fellowship, then let me learn how to be a friend first before expecting anyone to be. Sometimes, I think I struggle over (1). It's REALLY hard to confess failures, share hurts, etc. Isn't it? *SMILE*

Beautiful day!

Okay! Today's a PERFECTLY beautiful day!

I started the day buying lunch for my parents which was GREAT cause I haven't spent time with them for a long time.
Then I made my way to the other end of my estate to visit my long-time-ago friend who has just given birth. Baby Nicole is LOVELY! Too bad, no cam.. :P
It's real amazing how we warm up SO very fast. (Hmmm..I always have tis notion that it's quite hard for gals to warm up fast)
This is a friend whom I got to know from the British Council where I had my English Tuition 16 over years ago. It's fantastic how we got close cause our interest and personalities are WORLD's apart. I love this friend.

Then, I made my way to work to be a Child Minder while the parents attend a program that's meant for parents (DUH!).
It was a real handful of kids!
First, I was given a 2+yr toddler to carry and next I knew, I carried her for about an hour cause all she knew was to stretched forth her hands and ask me to carry.
Then, we went to do some painting. Boy... When little kids handle the paintbrush, you really gotta be careful. Some kids accidentally became cats and I got some paint on my arms.
Well, you might as well know that after 2 hours of trying to grab the attention of the kids off their mommies, they will start to yell and cry. Some would. Some won't.
Today, we had one. Gosh! She screamed like her voicebox will fall off anytime.
Amazingly, praise God, I managed to calm her down and after 1/2 hr, she fell asleep in my arms. She looked SO sweet and so angelic. The 45mins struggle was worth it. Haa!!

What really made my day was after the whole event, I made my way to meet my sheepie...
The little gal came awhile after that and she recognized me. Her smile and hug made my day all so much more wonderful.

Dinosaur NO MORE

All righty...

From today, 418pm onwards, I am no longer a dinosaur.
I have upgraded to Cable.

Amazingly, the speed "shocked" my parents and for myself and sister, we weren't used to the fast speed. For a moment, we both stared at each other and wonder - What can we do with such great speed! Haaa...
Well, gotta know that internet for us is really for emailing & sometimes research for me. Other than that, I don't really do much online. Ok... Blogging & chatting with overseas friends too.
But well, this beats hitting the ceiling for my dial up and having to pay extra for my usage. Sometimes, it's even more expensive than a cable!
I guess... This is a luxury to me.
Now, I can be online without worries of hitting the ceiling and without worries whenever I do my research.

Last night and today is a dripping day for me.
My nose has been naughty again and running away from me.
Sadly, I decided that I shan't make it for work.
What amazes me is that I am so sad that I can't work.
What a difference when you are in a job that you like as compared to being in a job just for the money. Am tired BUT absolutely ecstatic.
Many have told me how blessed I am to have good colleagues and great boss.

An eventful day

By 945am today, my colleague and I felt that we have worked the whole day. We both stayed overnight to take care of some young kids. Well, apparently, this morning, something went wrong and well, in the end, my colleague and I fought a “battle”.

Indeed, when reality sets in, I start to wonder “Should I have done things in a better way?”
But after a casual talk with my head, I was very comforted that he was concern about how are we coping with the after effect.
The last he wants to see in us is to think what I thought “Should I have done things in a better way?”, or to put in short, feel guilty.
I figured, no way is the best way. There is no perfect way out.

It wasn’t a very good experience honestly but I felt good! To do something hands-on helps me see things differently. I start to think of things that I have never thought before. I start to be sensitive to things that are around me. It really helped me to be appreciative of my colleagues.

What I really enjoyed most out of the whole ordeal was the chat I had with my colleague. It was great sharing with her my struggles & hurts, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. In real fellowship, I experience authenticity – A good and real heart-to-heart sharing.

My day started at 6am. Ordeal was 4hrs long. From 10am -6pm, it was just plain fun with colleagues. We both couldn't bring ourselves to do any client-base work - just for today. HAHA!!

In short - Life is FILLED with excitement!

Forgiving VS Trusting

Today, I was doing my reading and I was very "obsessed" with this statement.

"Forgiveness is letting go of the past. Trust has to do with future behavior. Forgiveness is immediate WHETHER the person ask for it. Trust is rebuilt over time."

It is a commandment by God to forgive but we are not expected to trust immediately.

Perhaps the reason why only this part of the entire chapter spoke to me most is because many times too often, I have parents asking me "Why should I forgive?"
I get very frustrated cause the welfare of the child is at risk.

I personally feel that sometimes, many of us "refused" to forgive thinking that the other person don't deserve it.
But didn't realised that it's not ONLY the other person who benefit from it.
Many others ESPECIALLY themselves will benefit.

Dear Heavenly Papa...

A quick entry for today.

I felt very refreshed by today’s service.
P&W seemed different, arrangement was different, and there was a beautiful choir dressed in red and black. But amidst the physical appearance, the presence of God was strong.
There has been in a great battle within me and many times, I am thrown into frustrations and disappointments.
Yet today, God reminded me that straight after the 1st commandment of loving God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength is to love our neighbor as ourselves.
Of late, I felt pretty hurt and I think perhaps, I am still nursing what seemed to be a broken friendship to me.
Tears flowed and I told God that I want a child-life faith & a divine exchange.
An exchange of tears for joy. An exchange of lows for ups.
Yup… I got it. It was a great time of renewing my spirit. It was a great time chatting with my Heavenly Papa.

Today’s sermon was on Breakthrough.
Expect opposition when we want to progress for God.
I was reminded that sometimes when I am SO determine to make it right for my parents, something has to happen and I will get a scolding. Thus, when I was young, I always ask “Why when I decided to do it right, something has to happen?”
This type of situation didn’t happen only once. Many times, I got disappointed and gave up but there are also times when I told myself to push on.
I noticed. For those times that I gave up, things got worse. But for those times that I persevered, I was rewarded awhile later.

I thought… Oh ya… How true. When we want to progress for God, there will be setbacks. Perhaps, that’s why, sometimes I still question “Why when I decided to do it right, setbacks will come together with that decision?”

That’s the beauty of life isn’t it?

I shall end of with VERY good news.
I received several calls today from my ex colleagues of the clinic I worked with.
The dance that I had helped to choreographed has helped them clinched the 1st prize.
When the news came to me, I was so so ecstatic. Not because it was I who choreographed but cause I was with them when they struggled to manage the steps. I was with them when they struggled to dance. Seeing the dance SO raw, SO messy yet through everybody’s effort, every lunch practice, I share the joy with them.

Am looking forward to this coming crazy week. There’s a circus coming up, I’ll be staying overnight at my workplace, going for a Family Violence seminar and the first Unit meeting.

Oh ya, before I go, let me say something about my Hog's Breath experience.
They basically franchise ALMOST everything but the service and the wine and a few more yet to find out.
Well, atmosphere-wise, of course, nothing compared to Oz since it's "bred" there.
Service mah... Honestly? NG - No Good.
I ask "How does this wine taste like?" "Good" "What you mean by good?" "Not too bad." Hum..... GEMS (Go the Extra Mile Service) sort of fail... Remembering in Oz, the waiter was so INTO describing the rib that he has to sit down together with us.
Food-wise? GOOD! Haha!! When I saw the menu, I went ga-ga over the Hickory Prime Rib. (reciting my nursery rhymes at the exasperation of my friend "Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse went up the Clock. The Clock striked one, the mouse ran down, Hickory Dickory Dock!")
Then, we both (or rather I) forgot that it's late and got "upset" when Tiffany is closed cause I wanted to see a particular design (not that I wanna buy la).
Then, we thought "Is it bye-bye for us?"
Thought awhile then thought, perhaps ending the night with an ice-cream would be great!
Haha!!!
What an evening of eating, laughing & chatting.

Ok, quick entry done. I will go and continue with my papers.

Friday Afternoon

Friday afternoon.
Time is passing slowly like a snail.
I made sure today, there is no home visits so I got all my clients to come and look for me.
I need some admin time to myself.
However, I get stuck at some of the reports! *hairpulling* (So you can guess why am I blogging now)
Man... Writing my own life story seems easy.
Writing life stories of others seemed tougher!

I am waiting for time to pass and am meeting my Brisbane friend for Hog's Breath.
If you ask me, Hog's Breath serves one of the BEST beef steak I've ever tasted! (My taste ya? So if you guys read this blog and go down AND it's not nice, don't blame me. Haha!)
The steak is marinated for 18hrs before it's taken out to be grilled.
The sauce is fantastic and it's a place I will never miss if I go back to Australia.
Well, like all Brisbanite, when it's here in Singapore, we will NEVER miss it too...
That place in Australia is like a treat for us students.
I, personally, will save money to go to that steakplace. :)

Just now, I had a chat with my colleague then we had a friendly debate.
To her, eating food is for survival.
To me, eating food is more than survival. It's for enjoyment too.
Reminded me of the Chicken and Egg story.

Ok ok.. Will blog on my dinner later.
Back to reports!

2 things

I learn two things today.

1st
As part of my centre, we had this thing that do games with families and well, like said, we play games with the family.
Main thing - Find out the dynamics of the family.
Secondary thing - Affirm each member of the family.

We played 4 games today and what impacted me most was the last game - Trust Fall.
Other than the 2 kids from the family, I was kenna arrowed to play too.
Man... The height was higher than I thought. The fall was more than just a trust.

But what really warmed my heart was the tears that came out from one of the child after the games.

2nd
As we were walking towards the place for the games, we (my boss and a few other colleagues) stepped into the carpark.
Just as we stepped into it, there's a dustbin that's lying on the ground.
Everyone just walked passed it.
My boss, went and picked it up and put it right.
I thought "Man... SO dirty and yet he did it. I wouldn't I know." But in that act, I learn the act of being selfless. He could have walk past it too then the dustbin will always be lying down till the cleaner comes.
Went to class just now and we had a birthday celebration. In the end, there was huge rubbish bags to throw. Somehow, I was rather "motivated" by the act of my boss, I went and lifted up the lid of the dustbin so that my classmate can throw it in instead of leaving it on the ground.
Comment I received was "WOW!"
Then I credited my boss for it.
Comment I received again was "Good... A GOOD role model!" I had a good laugh.

Anyway, as I am writing this blog, I am asked a question by my friend "in your blog, you said you missed quite alot of CG. I thought you've been attending it all this while... just puzzled."
I think I must explain here before anyone thought I am not attending CG. HAHA!

Well, I am missing CG cause whenever there is larger meetings like Unit meetings or Sub D meetings, there is a high possiblity that I cant attend cause these meetings are on Thursdays and on Thursdays, I have my lessons. Also, I am missing CG cause sometimes when I am on duty on Sunday, I don't join my CG for lunch after service. So leh... Not that I am missing lots of CG on CG days. But I am missing my CG people.

Life is a Test

The Purpose Driven Life book that I was reading mentioned that Life is like a Test.

Today, I felt that I was much tested too.

Supposingly, I was to knock off at 9pm. However, a turn of events got me to knock off at 715pm. Very tempted to go home. As I was towards the train station, I was standing right in the middle of the platform - East or West?

Part of me, wants so much to go home, miss my bed, miss my dinners with parents.
The other part, felt that after missing CG for quite some time, thought it's only right to go CG.
Ok... And so, I drag my feet to the West - CG - Quite reluctantly.

2 school of thoughts
1st, "Why? San, you rarely can go home, go home la."
2nd, "Well, even if you go home, you can't do your work! Your thumbdrive is in the office!"
Well, I could say that I want to go home and enjoy my family time.
Yet on the flip side, I also realised that I haven't spent much time with my spiritual family.

So, well, I hopped West.

Took out my book to read again and its opening statement is "Life is all about love" then the author went on to quote "When we have the opportunity to help anyone, we should do it. But we should give special attention to those who are in the family of believers."

Honestly, when I read it, I was totally stunned! I mean "Wow!! I didn't know there's such a verse!"

Start to ask myself "Why do God give such specific love to believers?"
The book then went on to explain that God wants his family to be known for its love more than anything else. He wants us to be in close regular fellowship with other believers so that you can develop the skill of loving.

Then, I realised that it's through fellowship that I learn how to love.
So many times, busyness has become the enemy of relationship.
And for me, I think lately, tiredness has become the enemy of relationships.
If relationships, like I mentioned before, is the essence of life, then, how can we build strong relationships?
And many times, relationships are like something that is squeezed out of my schedule.

Like yesterday, cause I last min cancelled an evening meeting then could I pop down to visit my Godson whom I didn't visit since 24/10/04!!
How then, can I deepen my relationship with my best friend and my godson?
Speak about squeezing my schedules man... hee..

Sometimes, out of the truth, I really felt that I am really tired. But then again, I ask myself, can I be stretched further?

Well, there is NO conclusion to today's blog. I am just penning my thoughts as I type. I realised it's getting rather messy cause I can't focus. My mind's quite a blank. My back felt like it's going to break anytime but my hair's too wet to sleep.

Ok, I am just going to lie on my bed FACE DOWN.

Jaane..

Added after a good night sleep
I forgot to pen this down last night. Haha!!
Last night when I came home, despite the physical tiredness, I felt emotionally refreshed seeing friends, chatting, etc.
Indeed, fellowship is not done alone but with people.

GOOD MORNING!!!!!!!!

Parental love

I was in a counselling room today with a parent and thoughts of my childhood whizzed passed me.

I remember when I was young, perhaps, I was really naughty. (Study comics instead of textbooks, throw away food, etc) Often am beaten by my dad. To a point where I am very fearful of him. To the point where I will shiver under my covers fearing the cane will come lashing.

Thus, my relationship with my mum was good. I remember, there was one time where she will stand in front of me while my dad was caning me. And in the end, she got caned for me. Not that my mum doesn't cane me. I got it from her too.

The physical beating from my dad brought our relationship further. The physical shielding from my mum bought us closer.

It took me 20 over years to realize that either way is their expression of love for me. I have come to understand that no discipline is easy. Each beating my dad gave me must have pained him and made him wonder why am I not the way he wants me to be. Each time my mum shield me must have made her wonder why she has to shield me. I must have pained both my parents as I was growing up.

I was telling the parent that in any way, there is no one correct way of bringing up a kid. The worst thing to do is to start self-blaming.

As I said it, I started laughing at myself (inside la)... I wonder how many times have I pained my parents that they thought of "giving" me up. You know la... Parents of my era used to say "Which rubbish bin did I pick you up from?" Haha!!!

Looking back, if not for the strict discipline that my parents endorsed in their training for their kids, I may have become wayward.

Last but not least,

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?... Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Apostle Paul in Hebrew 12:7,10-11 NIV

Childhood

As I was strolling towards the train station from my workplace, I walked past this fence.
Behind this fence is this VERY green "bushes" that's taller than me.
Then I notice that this very green bush has small white flower.

For that moment, I was transported back to my primary school days.
When I was young, I used to pluck those flowers and play with it.
Momentarily, I really missed those childhood days.
So innocent.

Boss and myself was walking pass a group of kids and he mentioned how he wished he was back to being a child. So free and innocent.
I told him "Isn't it true that many times, we complicate things as we grow up? There's a straight path to walk yet we choose not to walk."

Rojak

I am in a mixed up mood today.
I am upset yet I am joyful.
I am kanchiong yet I feel peaceful.
I am tired yet I feel recharged.
I feel drained yet I am excited.

Can you see what a "rojak" I am?

I am a little upset over certain news that I received today YET I feel joyful knowing that God is still watching over me no matter what.
I am very kanchiong with workloads increasing at work and deadlines to meet at school YET I feel very peaceful that if I do my best, God will give me the strength to go through it.
I am physically tired YET after spending time with God, I feel so recharged. I know God is still with me even though I may not feel His presence.
I feel drained and a little over my own limitations YET I am so excited of what my life is becoming now.

I look forward to everyday waking up knowing that "Today is the day that the Lord has made!". I am so excited meeting new people though I still struggle at making conversations. I am excited to make mistakes at work so that through that I can learn. But of course, it's a little "Ouch" at first. :) I am glad that I have a life that's filled with purpose. I am glad that I have a life that I look forward to everyday. And at night, I look forward to lying on my bed and sleep. Haha!!

To you guys out there, thank you one and all for being my friend. Thanks for putting up with my weaknesses & strengths. Hee..

(Pssst.. Did I tell you? Today I had my FIRST game of Playstation! Had a REAL good fun!)

After 6 days

Life just gets more exciting. I think whoever is reading my blog will REALLY get bored with me for awhile cause it's just going to be about my work and my thoughts.
Well, work's pretty much my life for now so heee... BEAR with me!

After 6 days, I felt SO well-trained in walking! Everyday, I will walk at least one-two hours to-fro the train station to my wkplace. A little more when there's visits to different homes. First 3 days, it was real tough. By and by, I seem to get used to it. Reminds me of my sec sch days. Initially, whenever I walked with my friend, I am always lagging behind. But after much training, I could walk as fast as her.

In respect to that, it just makes a statement comes to life! "When you can't make the environment adapt to you, you adapt to the environment."

Over the days, workload is indeed increasing but satisfaction is tremendous. People often say that Social Workers burn out very quick. But burnout will really happen only if a job is just a job. Boss said "Social Work is never about professionalism or a job or a career but about the heart." Amazing isn't it? It reminded me that Heart, ultimately, is the well-spring of life. When the heart is dead, how can the blood keep flowing? To me, SW is not about what is the "prognosis" of a client or what is the diagnostic review of someone but really about getting straight into the lives of the people.

An analogy is just like the Sheep-Shepherd system that my church has. A shepherd takes care of a sheep. When a shepherd meet the sheep for the VERY first time, the shepherd has to bear in mind that the ONLY way for the sheep to open up and allow the shepherd to get INTO her life is REALLY only when the shepherd has build such a strong rapport with the sheep.

This was shared to me by my colleague who's my churchmate too. :) I was sharing with her my difficulty in building a rapport. I find it so hard to strike conversations and so hard to make small talk. Then her advise was for me to take it like I am their shepherd and that I want to know what's going on in their lives. Don't take them just like another client. When clients are just clients, that's when burnout takes place.

Wise words indeed.

Another classmate is always telling me to do SELF-CARE when I start this "career". I didn't really understand what's it all about. Self-care? What's it man? Now I understand!!! When I don't care about self, how to care for others? Hee... Well, self-care means, I will be going swimming more often. I am already thinking of WHAT to do when I complete my studies! Perhaps, will really take a break out of Singapore. But then again, I may just wait till ChurchCamp then take extended leave to stay on.

Heee... Well, so much said and done, it's only dreaming for now. I will make it happen in time to come! SELF CARE here I come!! Haha!!

Simple Joy

This afternoon, I had the privilege to do a home visit with my boss. He shared with me what I didn't catch on ChannelNewAsia. I didn't watch it so I will just be blogging what I heard.

There is this elderly lady who is very poor and currently on financial assistance. When Tsunami hit, she gave all she had in her bank account, $1500, as a contribution to help the victims. And she said that it's all she have but if she can help even with that little, she is very joyful.

Honestly, as he speaks, my goosebumps starts popping and my eyes get teary. That's joy. The joy of giving.

I told boss "Man! That's strength! That's joy! That's something I think I will even struggle! What is our situation compared?"

My personal learning objective during my internship: I want to know the joy behind the low income family.