2012 has been more than a challenging year to me. On top of managing a newborn baby, there are also other relationships to manage. Looking at 2012 now with a clearer mind, I can only say that things really could have been better but I do not want to live in the Could haves and Should haves and I wish and If only.
2013 brings about a lot of excitement for me. The most exciting yet scary excitement is that I am finally going to live out my dream - To be a stay home mom! Honestly, it's exciting because I have no idea how life is going to be like with a baby. It is also exciting having to manage money even more wisely. It is also equally exciting to know that come September, I would have to bid this position farewell because my baby is going to go childcare. As exciting as it sounds, it is also equally scary.
With a baby, many things came to light for me. Much has surfaced and also resurfaced. The major thing that resurfaced was my anger, my temper (Don't worry, baby has been very very safe, thank God for a more-than-understanding husband who helps me normalize and gives me space to breathe. :)). I always knew I had issues with my anger but it has always been very controlled until a baby came along. Beginning, it had left me helpless, most times. Many situations also left me feeling very dis-empowered especially when I felt that my role as a mother has been threatened & disrespected. Whenever my anger got the better of me, shame and guilt always overwhelms me thereafter when I cooled down. What woke me up like a pail of water splashed over me was when I flared up one day in the presence of Faith.
I cried my way to work. I cried because I fear that the thing I feared most would happen. I had always told Geo, told myself, never would I want my child to ever witness the temper and anger that my dad had. I grew up with a fear. I do not want my children to grow up with that fear. That very morning, I dragged myself to work. It was painful. Thankfully, I was able to speak to someone who gave me very good counsel. She gave me a listening ear, one who listens without judging, one who simply allowed me to cry my heart, my frustrations, my life out, one who gave me the space to be me. Once I got myself sorted out (& it was over a few sessions), I felt renewed & refreshed.
I sent 2012 away with much joy & anticipation of what 2013 will bring for me. Just barely 1/2 month into 2013 and God has impressed upon me so many times the words Joy and Abundance. I am claiming it with all of my life and I am believing that 2013 would be greater than 2012 (just as 2012 was greater than 2011!).
I am jotting this down not to share about how terrible I am or how terrible my dad was. No. I believe my daddy had raised me in the best he knew how. I do remember goodness too. Of how he had provided, of how he had protected, of how he had given his all. I am jotting this down to remind myself of God's goodness. When I had thought I had COMPLETELY no open doors, He opened a window for me to escape. He sent an angel to counsel me. I am beginning to understand a little deeper of my wedding verse - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I love how paradoxical the verse is. I love how minute I am and how great He is. I love how our marriage is so dependent on Him.
I am also jotting this down to share that there is power in Christian Counseling. Be open to receive just as it is also equally important to be open to give of self. The 8 months break to take care of Faith has been very timely. I had always wanted to take a sabbatical to think about my career. I am embracing this break like a treasure!
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