*stressed*

Ok.. I admit. [I really hate to use this word] but I am very stressed up at work. So stressed up that I had to verbalized it out today. It was quite unknowing really.. My colleague came up with a schedule for us to volunteer child-minding on Saturdays and I was scheduled for next Saturday. My first reaction was a large shout "HUH! Gosh! Xian leh!". Yeah.. I sort of shocked my colleagues cause this is the first time I actually had a reaction since usually I will remain quiet. Thereafter, I explained to them "No la.. Because I was on duty last week, this week and next week.. So I feel very frustrated and just need to verbalized it out. It's ok.. Don't mind me. I am not faulting you. Just allow me to ventilate and I will be fine."

Tsk.. I am frustrated at work really. I am so stuck in a few of my cases that I wish I had time for more training. It's like, I hardly have time to really THINK of interventions. Sometimes, I feel like I am fighting fire already. I don't mind since that's really part of work. It's part of work to feel lost at times then search my way out of the forest or tunnel. But I get extremely frustrated when I cannot even settle my own work already, I am scheduled for child-minding. I wished that there is a good volunteer system that will empower the volunteers so that caseworkers will be more focused on cases. I wished I had 10 days in a week , I wished I had more time.

I often question myself - If this is what I love to do, why do I get so uptight? Then I realised that my stress is NOT that I have to work every Saturday. My stress is that I feel very untrained at work. I have never felt that Social Workers are superheroes and I am DEFINITELY not a superhero to any of my clients. On the contrary, sometimes, I feel that it's a pity that they are under my care cause they have to grope through the process together with me. I need, I emphasize, I NEED practical training.

Today, I went to collect my certificate (finally) and I took a long hard look at it and I asked myself - Why do I still feel so untrained? And then, I thought of all kinds of courses that I could take to enhance my skills. [Ya.. this line of work really need us to upgrade every now and then] I have, with NO DOUBT, totally enjoy (and still enjoying) this job. I love my clients, I love to meet up with them, I learn from them but I really feel that I have so much more to give.. YET, I don't know how to give them practically.

I dropped many strands of hair today cause it was a hair pulling day. I went to the toilet many times because there, I could cry out to God. I took a walk along the canal once because there, I can disappear for awhile.

My friend said it well - I emphathize with you. Simply because there is no Manual to life problems. Each life is unique thus every case is unique. No two interventions are the same. I was glad I met up with my friend after work. Came online just before I knocked off and realised that I hadn't had dinner. Well, I still decide not to have dinner but I chose an ice cream parlour. *chuckle* As I was chatting, I was just thinking how ironical life is - In the afternoon, I was the composed person trying to practice active listening. In the night, I was the frantic person trying to do a verbal vomit.

Ultimately, you know what's the most amazing thing? The most amazing thing is that I feel perfectly safe in that forest. I know that God is with me. Indeed, Life is Beautiful. Life IS beautiful because God's timing is impeccably perfect.