Trust the Process

"I can never understand what it is about being human that allows one to become fixed on small matter and think the world will collapse if things don't go just the way one wants them. Once I got that struggle out of my system, I could never understand why it had become so important to me. But for those first few weeks, it had." - Torey Hayden

This was just a passage out of one of the wonderful book which I am currently reading - One Child by Torey Hayden. Brief intro: Torey Hayden is an educational psychologist and a special-education teacher. This book is about this child called Sheila who got into Torey's class when she was just 6-years old. This book chronicled the events that transpired between Sheila and Torey. Sheila has been a difficult child and in the first third of the book, somehow, Sheila did not like paperwork. However, being the teacher Torey was, she saw the importance of paperwork. A huge battle began between Torey and Sheila. Finally, Torey gave up "forcing" Sheila to do her paperwork.

The passage above is what Torey said after she "let go" of her own perception of importance and decided to focus on what was important for Sheila. There's just something about the paragraph that hit me. Sometimes, it's true. There is just something about humans that just simply allow him/her be fixed on small matters. When that doesn't flow along the way, he/she gets frustrated and may become irritable and yes.. the whole world just collapse. However, when you just step out the the struggle of being caught in the circle, when you just make the choice to stop struggling, you will begin to ask - What was SO important about it in the beginning?

Today, to be honest, I was hesitating to attend the unit meeting. I felt quite physically drained in my total being. Not only physically, I felt very emotionally and mentally drained too. I just feel like going back home, hide in my room and do nothing. After the confrontation at yesterday's work meeting, things seemed worse today. I had much thoughts going through my mind. As I was talking to one close friend, she asked me to consider joining her - another social service org. Honestly, VERY TEMPTING!! However, the better side of me do NOT wish to resign just because of relational issues. The better side of me want to choose to believe that better days are coming. The better side of me want to choose NOT to run away.

But trust me - Very tempting. VERY VERY VERY tempting. Especially MORE tempting when the other organization is where I will want to go to eventually.

At the end of it all, I can only say that God's timing is exquisitely perfect. Beng Eu led the worship song "I'm held by Your love". That was a wonderful reminder that no matter how bad situation can be, His strength will ALWAYS be with me. All I have to do is to JUST ask for it. Desmond, in closing, shared how His love will always empower us and how His love will always be a promise to us. And on a personal note, God reminded me through the verse "But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.". However, being a little rebellious, I asked God - How much THEN, is my limit? WHAT is my breaking point? I am already so tired and I can't seem to be able to go on! What is my limit? I thought I am already at my limit.. I have to still persevere? Well.. I left the questions there.

When it came to discussion time, Eugene led the topic of Faithfulness. I kinda told God "Ok..Let's see what You will tell me through discussion.." [I was being quite "naughty" as you can tell..]. God spoke. As Eugene spoke on faithfulness, God start working in my heart. Throughout the whole discussion, I was reminded of my AD's advise - Trust the Process. Even with 1% chance, we should still persevere. We should keep believing and trusting the process to reach our final goal. To trust the process and see the big picture.

I do not believe in coincidences. I believe in God's timing. For me to read One Child, I was motivated and very encouraged by Torey's perseverence and her belief in the girl she was helping. Things was hard for her but she trusted the process. Also, in my meeting with my ED and AD yesterday, it was also about trusting the process in helping a client in our centre.

Likewise, I want to trust God for this phase in my life. One day, I will look back at today and laugh about this struggle.