I started work early today as client could only meet me at 11am. Supposed to start at 1pm. Today, I was prepared to meet 2 clients. One familial issues, one marital issues. I was reluctant for my Monday to be over yesterday because I know that sometimes, no matter how prepared I can be for a session, I will never be fully prepared. Anyhow, I must thank God that He paved the way for me during the morning session. Everything went on smooth.
After that session, my colleague came in about 12pm and "warned" me and a few other colleagues that the meeting later in the afternoon would be a rather confrontational one. We had, in fact, 2 meetings instead of 1. From 3:30pm to 5pm, we had a meeting with our ED and another department's AD on certain issues. Now.. that was a VERY heavy session. I had to contest with alot of questions that's within me - Ethnics issues.
Now.. the next meeting was YET another heavy issue. My colleague (the one who warned me) had a contact time with my AD and mgr and raised a few issues. At the same time, raised the issue of the office being filled with tension.
Seriously speaking, the office has been filled with tension for a long time. Initially, I really thought that I was the only one who felt it and brushed it aside that it was me being sensitive and it was I being the problem. I chose to believe that honestly. Often time, I go home wondering "What have I done wrong?" or "Have I offended my mgr again?" or "Perhaps, I really did show her attitude". Lately, tension got greater and work was harder to handle.
All of us were asked to share in that meeting if we felt the tension. Hmm... In all honesty, I had REAL difficulty sharing the tension I felt. I really really had difficulty. I was chattering while sharing! I was afraid that by being honest, I would hurt my manager. For the past few months, I hesitated in approaching the "higher management" for my discomfort in the office because I felt that I would try to manage it within me. I believed that it's a training for my patience. Yet, there was this other part in me which felt "would not speaking up help in any way"?
After all the tug of war within my heart, I told myself to be vulnerable and I shared how I felt. I reminded myself - Don't get too personal. Be objective. Share in love. (Bible say we must learn to rebuke in love..) The meeting ended about 7:15pm with no conclusion. After the meeting, I felt worse. I felt much much worse. When things end with no conclusion, things are hanging in the air. When everyone left the office, it was left with me and my manager. She refused to speak to me.
It's ironical. It's really ironical but I felt a stab in my heart. I felt very painful for her. On my way home, I can't help it but cry. I cried walking to train. I tried to read my book but I couldn't concentrate. I put it aside and tears just drop again. Part of me feel SO guilty sharing about how I felt about the tension. Part of me is glad to have let it out. I asked God - Is there a better way?
Anyway, I cancelled my appointment with my 2nd client at 7pm. I explained to her that I had a long meeting and that I can't concentrate. Explained to her that I could still meet her at 8pm but because of my emotions, I felt that it's really not fair to them if they meet me today. Good thing they understood.
Anyhow, tomorrow WILL be better! Enough said.. Since things have been said, I shall not concentrate fully on my cases now!!! And... also a few deadlines for my SubD's Christmas event!!!
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