First of all, thanks to all my friends who have read my last entry and have responded to me through through sms, emails & messenger. Sorry that I responded REALLY late as I got caught up in my work. Next to sorry, just wanna say that I really felt cared and cherished by all you pals.
Just an update of how things are like now in my working place (written especially for those who have been "following" my life through my entries..*smile*)
Let's have a recap. I had a confrontational meeting on Tuesday. Against my total being, I shared 3 counts against my manager for the tension that arose in the office admitting, at the same time, with all the tension, I showed her great lousy attitude. However, meeting was left hanging with no closure. We were adviced to channel our energy appropriately. [And to this, I went "D-uh, how to?!]
On Wednesday, with no closure and situation at work got worse, I was that close to say "yes" to my friend and say "bye" to my colleagues and bosses and clients. Unfortunately, just the thought of resigning brings tears to my eyes. [Believe me..I have never ever resigned for matters like these. I only resign for better pay or higher opporunities] I have been so convicted that I want to work with this profile of clients!! I have been SO convicted that this is the place that God wants me to stay!!! Then, ironically, I am thinking of leaving.. I was so sad just thinking of leaving my clients. However, in the turn of events, God had to speak to me again. Yesterday, I found, again, the strength (HIS strength) to carry me through - whether or not there is a closure.
Today is Thursday. With a mixture of fear and anticipation, I walked into Autumn Room for the last-minute-meeting my AD called for. Closure. F.I.N.A.L.L.Y!! A closure to what happened on Tuesday! Seriously, I was fearful of what is to come but I decided to trust that my AD knows what to do.
My AD gave a brief summary of what had happened and gave my manager an opportunity to respond to all of us (since Tuesday was basically like a a arrowing session towards her). My mgr's response to me is that she has no idea what happened to us both. In the beginning, we could hold chat sessions. Lately, things just went all wrong and she has no idea.
After which, my AD reprimanded us. She said:
1) In the whole org, the FSC team is the most mature bunch of workers YET something like this (so childish - in my own words) has to happen.
2) We are always feeling so tired because our energy is channelled to all the wrong places!! Serving our clients SHOULD always energize us no matter how physically tired we can be. So even if we have alot of clients, we should be more energize!! [Of which, I agree.. When I started, I was SO SO SO energized though I simply have no idea how I could serve so many clients]
Our energy was used so much to deal with relational issue with just one colleague.
3) We should always work towards the mission. Why do we need to be so wrapped into office politics when there are so much work to be done to work towards our mission?! If we want office politics, why we even bother to move from the corporate world to a non-profit organization who literally pay us (er...) so so little? [Heee.. I agree! Why bother?]
4) Everyone, EVERYONE, contribute to the tension. Not just one person.
After reprimanding, we were ALL to give our response. Well, whenever it's response time, it's usually a waiting time. I wait for you, you wait for me.. One colleague went first. Then, I went next. Hee.. Frankly, I was all butterflies inside of me but I already had a response - my response to God yesterday. I shared this:
I apologized to my manager. I told her that in all honesty, I really enjoyed those small chat session we had. I also do not know what happened. I do not know why suddenly she got insecure and defence wall was so thick. When it started a few months back, I know that my non-verbals speak louder than my words. I showed attitude once in a while. Whenever I reflect in the night, I will always tell God I am sorry and will work harder at a bigger heart the next day. But when next day come, I will get irritated again. It's only lately that I could no longer find the strength. I told her that I like her as a person but I have to admit that I have difficulty as a colleague. I shared too that after the death of my client, I really really resoluted to work harder. I do not want to waste time. I want to seize every opportunity. BUT, with the tension, I feel my energy so sapped. I want to move my cases but I can't move. In the only knowledge I know how to cope, I snap in my words. I shared, too, that yesterday was a bad day for me. In my thoughts, there are really only 2 directions to take - To stay on or To leave. To leave is something that's painful to me. To stay only means that I have to work things out with MYSELF. And my decision yesterday was to keep going.. To trust the process.
What I did not share but was in my head was this. Whenever there are human relationship, there are bound to be frictions. However, I want to choose to believe, really believe, that with perserverance, there is character and with character, there is hope!!! And work-wise, I really did not come into this line because there is good money to earn. I really want to be the channel of hope to those who are not so hopeful. Digress a little.. yesterday I called my client and told her that her wish which we submitted to the Boys' Brigage was fulfilled! She could have a fridge!! Gosh.. you should hear her exclaimation! She kept thanking me. My point? Not that I am a superwoman or I like to be thanked. But to hear that joy in her voice warmed my heart - HOPE!!
I was MUCH lighter after the meeting. After everyone shared and responded, I felt very very much lighter!! I went for a swim after work. Even when I swim, I don't feel as tired as compared to the past few months! Haaa...
- Dreaming big for God! -
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Trust the Process
"I can never understand what it is about being human that allows one to become fixed on small matter and think the world will collapse if things don't go just the way one wants them. Once I got that struggle out of my system, I could never understand why it had become so important to me. But for those first few weeks, it had." - Torey Hayden
This was just a passage out of one of the wonderful book which I am currently reading - One Child by Torey Hayden. Brief intro: Torey Hayden is an educational psychologist and a special-education teacher. This book is about this child called Sheila who got into Torey's class when she was just 6-years old. This book chronicled the events that transpired between Sheila and Torey. Sheila has been a difficult child and in the first third of the book, somehow, Sheila did not like paperwork. However, being the teacher Torey was, she saw the importance of paperwork. A huge battle began between Torey and Sheila. Finally, Torey gave up "forcing" Sheila to do her paperwork.
The passage above is what Torey said after she "let go" of her own perception of importance and decided to focus on what was important for Sheila. There's just something about the paragraph that hit me. Sometimes, it's true. There is just something about humans that just simply allow him/her be fixed on small matters. When that doesn't flow along the way, he/she gets frustrated and may become irritable and yes.. the whole world just collapse. However, when you just step out the the struggle of being caught in the circle, when you just make the choice to stop struggling, you will begin to ask - What was SO important about it in the beginning?
Today, to be honest, I was hesitating to attend the unit meeting. I felt quite physically drained in my total being. Not only physically, I felt very emotionally and mentally drained too. I just feel like going back home, hide in my room and do nothing. After the confrontation at yesterday's work meeting, things seemed worse today. I had much thoughts going through my mind. As I was talking to one close friend, she asked me to consider joining her - another social service org. Honestly, VERY TEMPTING!! However, the better side of me do NOT wish to resign just because of relational issues. The better side of me want to choose to believe that better days are coming. The better side of me want to choose NOT to run away.
But trust me - Very tempting. VERY VERY VERY tempting. Especially MORE tempting when the other organization is where I will want to go to eventually.
At the end of it all, I can only say that God's timing is exquisitely perfect. Beng Eu led the worship song "I'm held by Your love". That was a wonderful reminder that no matter how bad situation can be, His strength will ALWAYS be with me. All I have to do is to JUST ask for it. Desmond, in closing, shared how His love will always empower us and how His love will always be a promise to us. And on a personal note, God reminded me through the verse "But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.". However, being a little rebellious, I asked God - How much THEN, is my limit? WHAT is my breaking point? I am already so tired and I can't seem to be able to go on! What is my limit? I thought I am already at my limit.. I have to still persevere? Well.. I left the questions there.
When it came to discussion time, Eugene led the topic of Faithfulness. I kinda told God "Ok..Let's see what You will tell me through discussion.." [I was being quite "naughty" as you can tell..]. God spoke. As Eugene spoke on faithfulness, God start working in my heart. Throughout the whole discussion, I was reminded of my AD's advise - Trust the Process. Even with 1% chance, we should still persevere. We should keep believing and trusting the process to reach our final goal. To trust the process and see the big picture.
I do not believe in coincidences. I believe in God's timing. For me to read One Child, I was motivated and very encouraged by Torey's perseverence and her belief in the girl she was helping. Things was hard for her but she trusted the process. Also, in my meeting with my ED and AD yesterday, it was also about trusting the process in helping a client in our centre.
Likewise, I want to trust God for this phase in my life. One day, I will look back at today and laugh about this struggle.
This was just a passage out of one of the wonderful book which I am currently reading - One Child by Torey Hayden. Brief intro: Torey Hayden is an educational psychologist and a special-education teacher. This book is about this child called Sheila who got into Torey's class when she was just 6-years old. This book chronicled the events that transpired between Sheila and Torey. Sheila has been a difficult child and in the first third of the book, somehow, Sheila did not like paperwork. However, being the teacher Torey was, she saw the importance of paperwork. A huge battle began between Torey and Sheila. Finally, Torey gave up "forcing" Sheila to do her paperwork.
The passage above is what Torey said after she "let go" of her own perception of importance and decided to focus on what was important for Sheila. There's just something about the paragraph that hit me. Sometimes, it's true. There is just something about humans that just simply allow him/her be fixed on small matters. When that doesn't flow along the way, he/she gets frustrated and may become irritable and yes.. the whole world just collapse. However, when you just step out the the struggle of being caught in the circle, when you just make the choice to stop struggling, you will begin to ask - What was SO important about it in the beginning?
Today, to be honest, I was hesitating to attend the unit meeting. I felt quite physically drained in my total being. Not only physically, I felt very emotionally and mentally drained too. I just feel like going back home, hide in my room and do nothing. After the confrontation at yesterday's work meeting, things seemed worse today. I had much thoughts going through my mind. As I was talking to one close friend, she asked me to consider joining her - another social service org. Honestly, VERY TEMPTING!! However, the better side of me do NOT wish to resign just because of relational issues. The better side of me want to choose to believe that better days are coming. The better side of me want to choose NOT to run away.
But trust me - Very tempting. VERY VERY VERY tempting. Especially MORE tempting when the other organization is where I will want to go to eventually.
At the end of it all, I can only say that God's timing is exquisitely perfect. Beng Eu led the worship song "I'm held by Your love". That was a wonderful reminder that no matter how bad situation can be, His strength will ALWAYS be with me. All I have to do is to JUST ask for it. Desmond, in closing, shared how His love will always empower us and how His love will always be a promise to us. And on a personal note, God reminded me through the verse "But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.". However, being a little rebellious, I asked God - How much THEN, is my limit? WHAT is my breaking point? I am already so tired and I can't seem to be able to go on! What is my limit? I thought I am already at my limit.. I have to still persevere? Well.. I left the questions there.
When it came to discussion time, Eugene led the topic of Faithfulness. I kinda told God "Ok..Let's see what You will tell me through discussion.." [I was being quite "naughty" as you can tell..]. God spoke. As Eugene spoke on faithfulness, God start working in my heart. Throughout the whole discussion, I was reminded of my AD's advise - Trust the Process. Even with 1% chance, we should still persevere. We should keep believing and trusting the process to reach our final goal. To trust the process and see the big picture.
I do not believe in coincidences. I believe in God's timing. For me to read One Child, I was motivated and very encouraged by Torey's perseverence and her belief in the girl she was helping. Things was hard for her but she trusted the process. Also, in my meeting with my ED and AD yesterday, it was also about trusting the process in helping a client in our centre.
Likewise, I want to trust God for this phase in my life. One day, I will look back at today and laugh about this struggle.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Oh Geeezzz...
I started work early today as client could only meet me at 11am. Supposed to start at 1pm. Today, I was prepared to meet 2 clients. One familial issues, one marital issues. I was reluctant for my Monday to be over yesterday because I know that sometimes, no matter how prepared I can be for a session, I will never be fully prepared. Anyhow, I must thank God that He paved the way for me during the morning session. Everything went on smooth.
After that session, my colleague came in about 12pm and "warned" me and a few other colleagues that the meeting later in the afternoon would be a rather confrontational one. We had, in fact, 2 meetings instead of 1. From 3:30pm to 5pm, we had a meeting with our ED and another department's AD on certain issues. Now.. that was a VERY heavy session. I had to contest with alot of questions that's within me - Ethnics issues.
Now.. the next meeting was YET another heavy issue. My colleague (the one who warned me) had a contact time with my AD and mgr and raised a few issues. At the same time, raised the issue of the office being filled with tension.
Seriously speaking, the office has been filled with tension for a long time. Initially, I really thought that I was the only one who felt it and brushed it aside that it was me being sensitive and it was I being the problem. I chose to believe that honestly. Often time, I go home wondering "What have I done wrong?" or "Have I offended my mgr again?" or "Perhaps, I really did show her attitude". Lately, tension got greater and work was harder to handle.
All of us were asked to share in that meeting if we felt the tension. Hmm... In all honesty, I had REAL difficulty sharing the tension I felt. I really really had difficulty. I was chattering while sharing! I was afraid that by being honest, I would hurt my manager. For the past few months, I hesitated in approaching the "higher management" for my discomfort in the office because I felt that I would try to manage it within me. I believed that it's a training for my patience. Yet, there was this other part in me which felt "would not speaking up help in any way"?
After all the tug of war within my heart, I told myself to be vulnerable and I shared how I felt. I reminded myself - Don't get too personal. Be objective. Share in love. (Bible say we must learn to rebuke in love..) The meeting ended about 7:15pm with no conclusion. After the meeting, I felt worse. I felt much much worse. When things end with no conclusion, things are hanging in the air. When everyone left the office, it was left with me and my manager. She refused to speak to me.
It's ironical. It's really ironical but I felt a stab in my heart. I felt very painful for her. On my way home, I can't help it but cry. I cried walking to train. I tried to read my book but I couldn't concentrate. I put it aside and tears just drop again. Part of me feel SO guilty sharing about how I felt about the tension. Part of me is glad to have let it out. I asked God - Is there a better way?
Anyway, I cancelled my appointment with my 2nd client at 7pm. I explained to her that I had a long meeting and that I can't concentrate. Explained to her that I could still meet her at 8pm but because of my emotions, I felt that it's really not fair to them if they meet me today. Good thing they understood.
Anyhow, tomorrow WILL be better! Enough said.. Since things have been said, I shall not concentrate fully on my cases now!!! And... also a few deadlines for my SubD's Christmas event!!!
After that session, my colleague came in about 12pm and "warned" me and a few other colleagues that the meeting later in the afternoon would be a rather confrontational one. We had, in fact, 2 meetings instead of 1. From 3:30pm to 5pm, we had a meeting with our ED and another department's AD on certain issues. Now.. that was a VERY heavy session. I had to contest with alot of questions that's within me - Ethnics issues.
Now.. the next meeting was YET another heavy issue. My colleague (the one who warned me) had a contact time with my AD and mgr and raised a few issues. At the same time, raised the issue of the office being filled with tension.
Seriously speaking, the office has been filled with tension for a long time. Initially, I really thought that I was the only one who felt it and brushed it aside that it was me being sensitive and it was I being the problem. I chose to believe that honestly. Often time, I go home wondering "What have I done wrong?" or "Have I offended my mgr again?" or "Perhaps, I really did show her attitude". Lately, tension got greater and work was harder to handle.
All of us were asked to share in that meeting if we felt the tension. Hmm... In all honesty, I had REAL difficulty sharing the tension I felt. I really really had difficulty. I was chattering while sharing! I was afraid that by being honest, I would hurt my manager. For the past few months, I hesitated in approaching the "higher management" for my discomfort in the office because I felt that I would try to manage it within me. I believed that it's a training for my patience. Yet, there was this other part in me which felt "would not speaking up help in any way"?
After all the tug of war within my heart, I told myself to be vulnerable and I shared how I felt. I reminded myself - Don't get too personal. Be objective. Share in love. (Bible say we must learn to rebuke in love..) The meeting ended about 7:15pm with no conclusion. After the meeting, I felt worse. I felt much much worse. When things end with no conclusion, things are hanging in the air. When everyone left the office, it was left with me and my manager. She refused to speak to me.
It's ironical. It's really ironical but I felt a stab in my heart. I felt very painful for her. On my way home, I can't help it but cry. I cried walking to train. I tried to read my book but I couldn't concentrate. I put it aside and tears just drop again. Part of me feel SO guilty sharing about how I felt about the tension. Part of me is glad to have let it out. I asked God - Is there a better way?
Anyway, I cancelled my appointment with my 2nd client at 7pm. I explained to her that I had a long meeting and that I can't concentrate. Explained to her that I could still meet her at 8pm but because of my emotions, I felt that it's really not fair to them if they meet me today. Good thing they understood.
Anyhow, tomorrow WILL be better! Enough said.. Since things have been said, I shall not concentrate fully on my cases now!!! And... also a few deadlines for my SubD's Christmas event!!!
Monday, November 27, 2006
Walk Away
Falling in love with Corrine May's voice and music. What I enjoy most was the lyrics.. My colleague brought to my attention this song - Walk Away. It seemed to be written based on spousal violence.. The lyrics very real...
W A L K A W A Y
Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Copyright 1997, Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP)
Hey girl, what is the matter?
You're crying your heart out again
Don't lie, girl
This was not some accident
Your bruises, they give you away
Your face sighs in shades of blue purple
Your eyes tell a story of pain
Walk away
You're worth more
than he'll ever realise
Baby walk away
Spare yourself this pain
Can't you see that he's not worth it?
You're not meant to be treated this way
Baby walk away
You say that
You really love him
You say that he'll know this someday
But your face still sighs in blue purple
Your eyes tell a story of shame
Walk away
You're worth more
than he'll ever realise
Baby walk away
Spare yourself this pain
Can't you see that he's not worth it?
You've been waiting for his love for so many years
Well girl,
You may not live to see that day
Baby walk away
You're not meant to be treated this way
Baby walk away
Baby walk away
Baby walk away
Anyway, while I was surfing her official site, I found her blog! Saw this entry about her walking along the streets of California and found a man who paints with his nose. Sometimes, I think, it's very easy for us to walk past a person who needs help and yet, no help was rendered to them. I am very guilty of that sometimes.
I was along the streets of Orchard on Saturday afternoon asking people "Would you mind donating $2 to the disadvantaged children?". Then I thought "Ok.. Maybe people don't like the word Donate.". So I changed "Would you like to give $2 to a disadvantaged child? 100% goes totally to them.". Phew.. I did it for just 2.5 hours. It was really really tiring. However, I was quite "satisfied" because I know the purpose of giving my time and effort. I know how the money will be spent and I know that there are many who benefit from these funds. For those who like to know more about this, can read up here.
After that session, I told myself never ever to be "rude" to those who ask for donation along the streets. Not that I will give to all who approached but I guess that even giving a smile does perk the person up.
Also, I had a good time with at the HopeKids retreat after fundraising. Though there were teachings, it was a very relaxed session of getting to know one another. It was a relational session. Personally, I have been in this ministry for 4 years and after 4 years, I finally got to know a few much better only after this retreat. During this retreat, trust was developed through a game which we played. The floor will ask one person 3 questions. Of which, the person have to answer 2 of it. I noticed that though I do not know alot of them personally, sharing with them what was close to my heart was not difficult!! What's most fun was the fact that we have people ranging from as young as tertiary group to as old as those married for 10 over years with many children. It's nice. Though technically, I have been in this ministry for quite some time, I can't say that I am close to any of them. Ministry, many a times, is about doing the job. In a way, there isn't alot of opportunity to take a breather, say hi, have a drink and relax. Thus, this retreat, gave me the luxury to get to know many better - In a relaxed environment. Being "Mary" instead of "Martha" is a great feeling!
First photo.. I am still safe...
Second photo... I don't feel that safe anymore..!
Third photo.. I REALLY don't feel safe!! My cap's about to be snatched!!!
Snaps along the way...
W A L K A W A Y
Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Copyright 1997, Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP)
Hey girl, what is the matter?
You're crying your heart out again
Don't lie, girl
This was not some accident
Your bruises, they give you away
Your face sighs in shades of blue purple
Your eyes tell a story of pain
Walk away
You're worth more
than he'll ever realise
Baby walk away
Spare yourself this pain
Can't you see that he's not worth it?
You're not meant to be treated this way
Baby walk away
You say that
You really love him
You say that he'll know this someday
But your face still sighs in blue purple
Your eyes tell a story of shame
Walk away
You're worth more
than he'll ever realise
Baby walk away
Spare yourself this pain
Can't you see that he's not worth it?
You've been waiting for his love for so many years
Well girl,
You may not live to see that day
Baby walk away
You're not meant to be treated this way
Baby walk away
Baby walk away
Baby walk away
Anyway, while I was surfing her official site, I found her blog! Saw this entry about her walking along the streets of California and found a man who paints with his nose. Sometimes, I think, it's very easy for us to walk past a person who needs help and yet, no help was rendered to them. I am very guilty of that sometimes.
I was along the streets of Orchard on Saturday afternoon asking people "Would you mind donating $2 to the disadvantaged children?". Then I thought "Ok.. Maybe people don't like the word Donate.". So I changed "Would you like to give $2 to a disadvantaged child? 100% goes totally to them.". Phew.. I did it for just 2.5 hours. It was really really tiring. However, I was quite "satisfied" because I know the purpose of giving my time and effort. I know how the money will be spent and I know that there are many who benefit from these funds. For those who like to know more about this, can read up here.
After that session, I told myself never ever to be "rude" to those who ask for donation along the streets. Not that I will give to all who approached but I guess that even giving a smile does perk the person up.
Also, I had a good time with at the HopeKids retreat after fundraising. Though there were teachings, it was a very relaxed session of getting to know one another. It was a relational session. Personally, I have been in this ministry for 4 years and after 4 years, I finally got to know a few much better only after this retreat. During this retreat, trust was developed through a game which we played. The floor will ask one person 3 questions. Of which, the person have to answer 2 of it. I noticed that though I do not know alot of them personally, sharing with them what was close to my heart was not difficult!! What's most fun was the fact that we have people ranging from as young as tertiary group to as old as those married for 10 over years with many children. It's nice. Though technically, I have been in this ministry for quite some time, I can't say that I am close to any of them. Ministry, many a times, is about doing the job. In a way, there isn't alot of opportunity to take a breather, say hi, have a drink and relax. Thus, this retreat, gave me the luxury to get to know many better - In a relaxed environment. Being "Mary" instead of "Martha" is a great feeling!
First photo.. I am still safe...
Second photo... I don't feel that safe anymore..!
Third photo.. I REALLY don't feel safe!! My cap's about to be snatched!!!
Snaps along the way...
Sunday, November 26, 2006
My 1st Transference
When I was studying my Graduate Diploma in Social Work, my lecturer spoke about this thing called Transference and Counter Transference. Honestly, I can't remember which is which. What I do remember is this. In Social Work, we deal with alot of people and in this industry, it's good to be aware of your surroundings. Not just environment but the people too. An example that was given in a book was this: A social worker is helping one client and this worker reminded the client of her ex boyfriend. Because of the resemblence, there was this great reliance on her worker. I wonder, then, will it ever happen to me? Transference of any kind - NOT just that example.
I had my Child Protection training course last Tuesday (2nd last one) and we had a role play. This role play was about this family where the husband was very violent. He shouted and blamed his wife. He blamed her for not being a good mother. Mother blamed him for always getting drunk and not being a good father. Only placing all expections on her. Son started to hide behind mother and father shouted at son why he only know how to hide? Shouted to him to come out immediately. All the more the boy hid. Suddenly, the mother decided not to protect the son anymore and scolded him for being the problem. "Why are you crying? Why are you always giving problems?"
This was just a role play. However, enough to put tears in my eyes. I could almost relinquish that fear I once had towards my dad. I could almost remember how I hid behind my mum's nightgown. I could remember how I always cry and apologize yet still got beaten. I remember how I was labelled for "always being the one who made my dad angry". I remember how I ran around the table just so that I don't get beaten up. I still remember the heart pounding effect when I got awaken from my sleep to get a scolding and beating. I felt the transference.
When my AD got everyone to go up to the front to be the social worker for the role play, I froze. I spoke. But I froze. After that session, I can't concentrate anymore. When I went for my friend's wedding dinner, I can't help it but that role play was stuck in my mind. In my own mind, I prayed for the fear to go away. In the night when I went home, I thought to myself - Didn't I go through a series of forgiveness? Not only to myself but towards my father too? Before I slept, I kept praying. I prayed that this will NOT be an opportunity for satan to pull me down. I prayed for God's peace that transcends all understanding. I prayed for His joy. When I woke up the next day, it was like a "It's a new day" feeling.
After which, last Friday, I had contact time with my AD. Towards the end, she spoke to me about the role play. She noticed that everybody was quite hesitant to go up front. However, the fear in my eyes and my body language was very evident that I was very very fearful. I told her about the transference that I had.
My first transference - Except that the transference is not from worker to client but client to worker. Either way, no good. But nonetheless, I was glad that I was aware of my surroundings. On a personal note, it helps me to rely on God even more. I know that I need Him to carry me through every single part of my life and I know, that the past can no longer hold captive of me. Amen...
I had my Child Protection training course last Tuesday (2nd last one) and we had a role play. This role play was about this family where the husband was very violent. He shouted and blamed his wife. He blamed her for not being a good mother. Mother blamed him for always getting drunk and not being a good father. Only placing all expections on her. Son started to hide behind mother and father shouted at son why he only know how to hide? Shouted to him to come out immediately. All the more the boy hid. Suddenly, the mother decided not to protect the son anymore and scolded him for being the problem. "Why are you crying? Why are you always giving problems?"
This was just a role play. However, enough to put tears in my eyes. I could almost relinquish that fear I once had towards my dad. I could almost remember how I hid behind my mum's nightgown. I could remember how I always cry and apologize yet still got beaten. I remember how I was labelled for "always being the one who made my dad angry". I remember how I ran around the table just so that I don't get beaten up. I still remember the heart pounding effect when I got awaken from my sleep to get a scolding and beating. I felt the transference.
When my AD got everyone to go up to the front to be the social worker for the role play, I froze. I spoke. But I froze. After that session, I can't concentrate anymore. When I went for my friend's wedding dinner, I can't help it but that role play was stuck in my mind. In my own mind, I prayed for the fear to go away. In the night when I went home, I thought to myself - Didn't I go through a series of forgiveness? Not only to myself but towards my father too? Before I slept, I kept praying. I prayed that this will NOT be an opportunity for satan to pull me down. I prayed for God's peace that transcends all understanding. I prayed for His joy. When I woke up the next day, it was like a "It's a new day" feeling.
After which, last Friday, I had contact time with my AD. Towards the end, she spoke to me about the role play. She noticed that everybody was quite hesitant to go up front. However, the fear in my eyes and my body language was very evident that I was very very fearful. I told her about the transference that I had.
My first transference - Except that the transference is not from worker to client but client to worker. Either way, no good. But nonetheless, I was glad that I was aware of my surroundings. On a personal note, it helps me to rely on God even more. I know that I need Him to carry me through every single part of my life and I know, that the past can no longer hold captive of me. Amen...
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Loveburst!!
I wanted to do my reporting when I came home but I think I am quite suffocated from work already. Now that I am home, I just wanna do something that I like - Write.
I was reading "Everyone needs a miracle - He still moves stones" by Max Lucado and into Chapter 12 today - The hardest thing God ever did. He related through the passage in Mark 2:1-12 focusing mainly on verse 9 "Which is easier: to tell this paralyzed man, "your sins are forgiven," or to tell him, "stand up. Take your mat and walk"?"
I was caught by Max's first opening statement - Let's talk about Lovebursts. He described Loveburst as a spontaneous affection. Tender moments of radiant love. Ignited devotion. Explosion of tenderness. Examples were given. I can't help sharing it really!! Ever since I read it, I was dying for the moment to blog it!! (Examples were added with a little of my imagination in it)
1) You and your husband are in a party. You are the wife and you look across the hall and you see your husband. You did not marry the most perfect husband. Yet, you know in your heart that he changed more than his share of diapers, he has given up on his favourite hobby to spend time with you and child. He has grown slightly balder, paunchier.. Yet in your eyes, all you saw was the man you fell in love with, the man who stole your heart. When your eyes locked with his, you both smiled. That's a loveburst.
2) You are now a grandpapa. It's been a long while that you held a baby. But now, your children are out and your wife is out grocery shopping. You are alone with the baby. You held him tight to your arms. When you look at his face, when you look into his eyes, you wonder about the future - First steps, first word, first fall, etc. And you know deep in your heart - you want to protect him. You pledge to the baby in your arms that whatever that happens, I will be here for you. That's a loveburst.
3) A husband is who are now. Today is just the day that everything goes wrong. Deadlines moved up. Arguments at work. It downpoured and you got stuck. You got home and grumpy. As you sit at the dining table with your wife and child, your child said grace. "Dear God, it's me. How are you? I'm fine, thank you. Mom and Dad are mad. I don't know why. We've got birds and toys and mash potatoes and each other. Maybe you can get them to stop being mad? Please do, or it's just gonna be you and me having any fun tonight. Amen." Suddenly, when you look up, you look at your wife and you both burst out laughing, shake head and apologized. That's loveburst.
After the examples Max gave, he said "Jesus has loveburst too!!" In the miracle that Jesus performed to the paralyzed man, Jesus said "Your sins are forgiven" instead of "Stand up, take up your mat and walk.". For a long time, I wondered what was Jesus trying to tell the teachers of the law.
I learned this: To have our sins forgiven, Jesus' blood was shed on the cross. To stand up and walk, a simple command by Jesus to perform the miracle. Which was more important? Our soul or the ability to walk?
Jesus, when on earth, already knew the cost of grace, the cost of His love for us. He knew it already. He knew the price of forgiveness. When He looked at His hands, He saw my name written on his palm and He gladly allow the nail to pierce through. That's Jesus' loveburst for us!
Today, in one of my marital counseling session, towards the end of the session, I saw the couple smiled at each other, held hands and reminded each other that things will get better. That's loveburst! They know what matters!
Loveburst reminds you about what really matters. We matter to Jesus!! Does the examples Max gave sound extreme? Thought you will never experience it? It's in the little details in life. Did we miss it? Did it just slip us by?
I had lovebursts over the past few days..! I was feeling upset over the death of a friend and I was chatting with a friend on MSN who's overseas. Though he was busy and left the conversation real fast, the next day, he apologized to me telling me that he had to work. Then he took time to hear me out. Allowed me to ventilate. That, to me, was a loveburst. From a friend to a friend. The willingness to apologize, the willingness to listen gave me the assurance that I matter as a friend. The knowledge that we both possess that in the hearts of hearts, our friendship matters.
Not too long ago just now, I had a wonderful conversation with a friend about how much she matters to me! And with that, I realised how much I matter to her..! We apologized for misunderstandings that happened unknowingly. This unseen support and love that I have is priceless.
When I come back home everyday, there will be bound to be either soup on the stove or a cup of herbal tea on my table. My dogs will always come out running whenever they heard my keys. When my sister return home from outside, she will often pop her head in to make her presence known. My dad will always remind me to eat despite working late. Love overflowing..!
Yesterday, CG went to Great World City (with the exception of Noel and Yanling who was at work) to celebrate Zann's and Eugene's birthday. In all honesty, there have been struggles at work! (but God is still good!!!! He gave me patience wrapped up in endless gifts!) Yet, when I met CG, there seemed to be this assurance in my heart that no matter how I sway, no matter how down I can get, no matter how bad things seem, my friends in my CG will never leave me coz I matter to them.
I guess.. Just wanna appreciate the little things that life has to offer. To give thanks for the little things in life. The simplicity of life is really in the small things in life.
Zann pretending to drink and Eugene trying his best to look like an alcoholic but he looked drunk instead! Haa!! CG at Ichiban.. Chawamushi was fabulicious!
Beng trying to look blur? Drunk? *shrug* Nel trying to act like a Jap man getting drunk. Penn, poor gal, played along as the "lady beside the man".. :P
I REALLY REALLY wonder....! WHY IS IT A HORSE AND NOT A REINDEER????!!!! I don't get it.. But well, we still enjoy taking photos with the horsy-sleigh.
FYI, pictures are taken with my all time favourite Samsung E720C. It's amazing how 6 of us squeeze into the small cam.. ( ",)/
I was reading "Everyone needs a miracle - He still moves stones" by Max Lucado and into Chapter 12 today - The hardest thing God ever did. He related through the passage in Mark 2:1-12 focusing mainly on verse 9 "Which is easier: to tell this paralyzed man, "your sins are forgiven," or to tell him, "stand up. Take your mat and walk"?"
I was caught by Max's first opening statement - Let's talk about Lovebursts. He described Loveburst as a spontaneous affection. Tender moments of radiant love. Ignited devotion. Explosion of tenderness. Examples were given. I can't help sharing it really!! Ever since I read it, I was dying for the moment to blog it!! (Examples were added with a little of my imagination in it)
1) You and your husband are in a party. You are the wife and you look across the hall and you see your husband. You did not marry the most perfect husband. Yet, you know in your heart that he changed more than his share of diapers, he has given up on his favourite hobby to spend time with you and child. He has grown slightly balder, paunchier.. Yet in your eyes, all you saw was the man you fell in love with, the man who stole your heart. When your eyes locked with his, you both smiled. That's a loveburst.
2) You are now a grandpapa. It's been a long while that you held a baby. But now, your children are out and your wife is out grocery shopping. You are alone with the baby. You held him tight to your arms. When you look at his face, when you look into his eyes, you wonder about the future - First steps, first word, first fall, etc. And you know deep in your heart - you want to protect him. You pledge to the baby in your arms that whatever that happens, I will be here for you. That's a loveburst.
3) A husband is who are now. Today is just the day that everything goes wrong. Deadlines moved up. Arguments at work. It downpoured and you got stuck. You got home and grumpy. As you sit at the dining table with your wife and child, your child said grace. "Dear God, it's me. How are you? I'm fine, thank you. Mom and Dad are mad. I don't know why. We've got birds and toys and mash potatoes and each other. Maybe you can get them to stop being mad? Please do, or it's just gonna be you and me having any fun tonight. Amen." Suddenly, when you look up, you look at your wife and you both burst out laughing, shake head and apologized. That's loveburst.
After the examples Max gave, he said "Jesus has loveburst too!!" In the miracle that Jesus performed to the paralyzed man, Jesus said "Your sins are forgiven" instead of "Stand up, take up your mat and walk.". For a long time, I wondered what was Jesus trying to tell the teachers of the law.
I learned this: To have our sins forgiven, Jesus' blood was shed on the cross. To stand up and walk, a simple command by Jesus to perform the miracle. Which was more important? Our soul or the ability to walk?
Jesus, when on earth, already knew the cost of grace, the cost of His love for us. He knew it already. He knew the price of forgiveness. When He looked at His hands, He saw my name written on his palm and He gladly allow the nail to pierce through. That's Jesus' loveburst for us!
Today, in one of my marital counseling session, towards the end of the session, I saw the couple smiled at each other, held hands and reminded each other that things will get better. That's loveburst! They know what matters!
Loveburst reminds you about what really matters. We matter to Jesus!! Does the examples Max gave sound extreme? Thought you will never experience it? It's in the little details in life. Did we miss it? Did it just slip us by?
I had lovebursts over the past few days..! I was feeling upset over the death of a friend and I was chatting with a friend on MSN who's overseas. Though he was busy and left the conversation real fast, the next day, he apologized to me telling me that he had to work. Then he took time to hear me out. Allowed me to ventilate. That, to me, was a loveburst. From a friend to a friend. The willingness to apologize, the willingness to listen gave me the assurance that I matter as a friend. The knowledge that we both possess that in the hearts of hearts, our friendship matters.
Not too long ago just now, I had a wonderful conversation with a friend about how much she matters to me! And with that, I realised how much I matter to her..! We apologized for misunderstandings that happened unknowingly. This unseen support and love that I have is priceless.
When I come back home everyday, there will be bound to be either soup on the stove or a cup of herbal tea on my table. My dogs will always come out running whenever they heard my keys. When my sister return home from outside, she will often pop her head in to make her presence known. My dad will always remind me to eat despite working late. Love overflowing..!
Yesterday, CG went to Great World City (with the exception of Noel and Yanling who was at work) to celebrate Zann's and Eugene's birthday. In all honesty, there have been struggles at work! (but God is still good!!!! He gave me patience wrapped up in endless gifts!) Yet, when I met CG, there seemed to be this assurance in my heart that no matter how I sway, no matter how down I can get, no matter how bad things seem, my friends in my CG will never leave me coz I matter to them.
I guess.. Just wanna appreciate the little things that life has to offer. To give thanks for the little things in life. The simplicity of life is really in the small things in life.
Zann pretending to drink and Eugene trying his best to look like an alcoholic but he looked drunk instead! Haa!! CG at Ichiban.. Chawamushi was fabulicious!
FYI, pictures are taken with my all time favourite Samsung E720C. It's amazing how 6 of us squeeze into the small cam.. ( ",)/
Monday, November 20, 2006
A needed day of rest
I took leave today to have a post holiday rest. See.. Thing is: Whenever you have a holiday, you will usually need another holiday to rest from the actual holiday. However, I am really glad to have this day off.
Other than the opportunity to rest, to play with dogs, to recollect the weekend, to have meals with parents, to do the Christmas video clip, I received bad news early in the morning when I woke up. I was really glad I had a day off.
An ex-colleague of mine passed away yesterday morning. That kind of set the mood for my day. However, it was only in the evening that I knew what happened. (Shan't blog what happened) I can't say that I know him well but we were good enough. Thing is - I was just thinking of him a few weeks back.. I was wondering how's life for him now, where's he working now. But because I lost his number, it just became a passing thought. For awhile when I heard the news, I wished for so many things. I wished I was a better friend. I wished that thought wasn't passing. I wished I had made the effort to find out his number from our common friends.
2nd death I know of this month. I guess.. if I am feeling the pain, the family must be feeling real bad.
Other than the opportunity to rest, to play with dogs, to recollect the weekend, to have meals with parents, to do the Christmas video clip, I received bad news early in the morning when I woke up. I was really glad I had a day off.
An ex-colleague of mine passed away yesterday morning. That kind of set the mood for my day. However, it was only in the evening that I knew what happened. (Shan't blog what happened) I can't say that I know him well but we were good enough. Thing is - I was just thinking of him a few weeks back.. I was wondering how's life for him now, where's he working now. But because I lost his number, it just became a passing thought. For awhile when I heard the news, I wished for so many things. I wished I was a better friend. I wished that thought wasn't passing. I wished I had made the effort to find out his number from our common friends.
2nd death I know of this month. I guess.. if I am feeling the pain, the family must be feeling real bad.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Pulau Hantu
"Did you see any Hantu (Malay word for ghost)?"
"Oh...! Where is Pulau Hantu? Malaysia ah?"
Nope.. I did not meet any hantu. I met lots of ants and houseflies though. It seemed as though we, my CG, were rare species on that island!!
Yes.. Pulau Hantu is one of the 63 islands in Singapore. (Sorry Penn.. I gave you wrong info!) Down south near Pulau Bukom where Shell is residing.
Anyway, we met at West Coast Ferry on Saturday morning to catch the 9am ferry from Kanlian services for Hantu island. Er.. Due to some glitches, our boat trip was delayed for about 2 hours. Heehee.. I shall not reveal what was the delay due to!
Boat trip there was quite an eye-opening experience. We passed by quite a few oil refineries and a few small islands that are undergoing reclaimation. I am not sure about the rest but for me, I am sure in awe. I just love sitting outside at the deck of the boat feeling the wind against my skin. Thinking back, I remember that I actually asked myself - What if I have decided to stay on as an Engineer? Would I take on such jobs? i.e. To travel from Singapore to the little islands to work. Hmm... *shrug* No idea.
Upon reaching there, we saw many cleaners who were clearing up the trees. There were maintenance on that small little island!!! Well.. I smiled a few smiles (knowing that we may be the very few rare guest on that island) then walked North towards erh.. Bukom? We set out the ground sheets and all then ah-huh! Fun started!
What did we do?
- Pumped an inflatable boat and went boating.
- Swam
- Sabotaged Zann & Penn
- Built a Sand-cake (secretly) for birthday gal, Zann and birthday boy, Eugene.
- Tied a yellow ribbon on the palm tree. We sew the initials of our visitors whom we are hoping to shared Christ with on the ribbon. The idea was birthed from the Yellow ribbon project where ex-convicts are given 2nd chance. Likewise in the kingdom of God, we will be given alot and alot of chances from God for eternal life. =)
- Dyed Eugene's hair!!! Gosh.. This one I stress sia.. I dunno what colour I was dyeing. 2nd time dyeing for someone's hair and 1st time for a guy!!!
- Dug a hole, built a fire with solid fuel & charcoal & starter (kiasu) to cook instant noodles over a mess tin
- Celebrated Zann's and Eugene's birthday on an island off Singapore with 2 muffins, lotsa sparklers
- Played Truth/Dare for the first time with CG. Interesting questions asked but I thought I got away quite easily. PHEW!!!!
That's all for today. Am tired. Basically, I personally felt that I met my objectives for this trip. My main objective was really just to S.L.A.C.K.! And boy...! Did I slack! I told myself - Do not think of work. Just play. Let my hair down (not much though) and just be a kid. Oh yah.. I played so much that I forgot to "control" the tanning process. Now, burnt. Heee..
*yawn* Nightz..
"Oh...! Where is Pulau Hantu? Malaysia ah?"
Nope.. I did not meet any hantu. I met lots of ants and houseflies though. It seemed as though we, my CG, were rare species on that island!!
Yes.. Pulau Hantu is one of the 63 islands in Singapore. (Sorry Penn.. I gave you wrong info!) Down south near Pulau Bukom where Shell is residing.
Anyway, we met at West Coast Ferry on Saturday morning to catch the 9am ferry from Kanlian services for Hantu island. Er.. Due to some glitches, our boat trip was delayed for about 2 hours. Heehee.. I shall not reveal what was the delay due to!
Boat trip there was quite an eye-opening experience. We passed by quite a few oil refineries and a few small islands that are undergoing reclaimation. I am not sure about the rest but for me, I am sure in awe. I just love sitting outside at the deck of the boat feeling the wind against my skin. Thinking back, I remember that I actually asked myself - What if I have decided to stay on as an Engineer? Would I take on such jobs? i.e. To travel from Singapore to the little islands to work. Hmm... *shrug* No idea.
Upon reaching there, we saw many cleaners who were clearing up the trees. There were maintenance on that small little island!!! Well.. I smiled a few smiles (knowing that we may be the very few rare guest on that island) then walked North towards erh.. Bukom? We set out the ground sheets and all then ah-huh! Fun started!
What did we do?
- Pumped an inflatable boat and went boating.
- Swam
- Sabotaged Zann & Penn
- Built a Sand-cake (secretly) for birthday gal, Zann and birthday boy, Eugene.
- Tied a yellow ribbon on the palm tree. We sew the initials of our visitors whom we are hoping to shared Christ with on the ribbon. The idea was birthed from the Yellow ribbon project where ex-convicts are given 2nd chance. Likewise in the kingdom of God, we will be given alot and alot of chances from God for eternal life. =)
- Dyed Eugene's hair!!! Gosh.. This one I stress sia.. I dunno what colour I was dyeing. 2nd time dyeing for someone's hair and 1st time for a guy!!!
- Dug a hole, built a fire with solid fuel & charcoal & starter (kiasu) to cook instant noodles over a mess tin
- Celebrated Zann's and Eugene's birthday on an island off Singapore with 2 muffins, lotsa sparklers
- Played Truth/Dare for the first time with CG. Interesting questions asked but I thought I got away quite easily. PHEW!!!!
That's all for today. Am tired. Basically, I personally felt that I met my objectives for this trip. My main objective was really just to S.L.A.C.K.! And boy...! Did I slack! I told myself - Do not think of work. Just play. Let my hair down (not much though) and just be a kid. Oh yah.. I played so much that I forgot to "control" the tanning process. Now, burnt. Heee..
*yawn* Nightz..
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Stretched
I found another word - Stretched.
I asked myself long and hard - Am I stressed? I realised that I am NOT stressed. I am just very stretched. Too stretched. I'm stretching my last amount of patience left in me.
At the end of today, I really REALLY wanted to get away. I wished I had a car so that I could drive to a beach. Or maybe try to find some "mountain" in Singapore. In Brisbane, my favourite spots were a swing by Brisbane River and the cold ground at Mount Cootha.
I am missing a holiday and I WOULD love to get away to simply do nothing. Not running away but a getaway will give me an opportunity for a breather from this very fast-paced environment.
- Hmm... Do I sound more stress than stretched? Nay... Don't worry. Just one of those days -
I asked myself long and hard - Am I stressed? I realised that I am NOT stressed. I am just very stretched. Too stretched. I'm stretching my last amount of patience left in me.
At the end of today, I really REALLY wanted to get away. I wished I had a car so that I could drive to a beach. Or maybe try to find some "mountain" in Singapore. In Brisbane, my favourite spots were a swing by Brisbane River and the cold ground at Mount Cootha.
I am missing a holiday and I WOULD love to get away to simply do nothing. Not running away but a getaway will give me an opportunity for a breather from this very fast-paced environment.
- Hmm... Do I sound more stress than stretched? Nay... Don't worry. Just one of those days -
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Melted
Had a night free yesterday last minute because my home visit was cancelled. I popped by my best friend's house to send my hugs and kisses to my godsons.
One's a Sanguine and one's a Melocholic. Haaaa... One talk non-stop & is always cheery and one just look on seemingly in deep thoughts. My friend wasn't home when I arrived so I went to look for my beloved first. When I popped my head into the room, Matt looked at me cheekily, smiled his sweetest and widest smile at me calling out in his most endearing voice... "Godma" (with his pacifier in his mouth and a hand hugging a pillow)!
Now tell me... Whose heart won't melt at this point? All effort to go to the other end from where I live is suddenly all worthwhile. I was pleasantly surprised how he could still recognize me after not seeing him for 4 months. (Suspect my best friend called back and tell him godmummy's coming!) But still, I choose to believe he recognize me.. Haha!!
Oh! Joke of the night - Matt called me Mummy and HIS mummy as Godmummy. Heehee.. My friend went "What! 我那么的幸苦把你生出来，你叫我 Godmummy!!" Heehee...
I went with gifts for friend (birthday) + socks for John + orange shirt for Matt. In returned, I was surprised by a gift which I haven't been receiving for the longest time in my life!! A soft TOY (In the colour she loved most!)!!!
It says "We laugh together when we're happy and cry when we are sad. So I just wanted you to know you're the best friend I've ever had."... So sweet.. There is SO much truth in what was on the T-shirt. She literally cried together with me. On break ups, on disappointments, on mistakes and failures. She always laugh with me. On success, on career, on life in general, on simple things like being able to make it to her place.
I went back home filled with hugs, kisses and love.
Love indeed makes the world goes around.
One's a Sanguine and one's a Melocholic. Haaaa... One talk non-stop & is always cheery and one just look on seemingly in deep thoughts. My friend wasn't home when I arrived so I went to look for my beloved first. When I popped my head into the room, Matt looked at me cheekily, smiled his sweetest and widest smile at me calling out in his most endearing voice... "Godma" (with his pacifier in his mouth and a hand hugging a pillow)!
Now tell me... Whose heart won't melt at this point? All effort to go to the other end from where I live is suddenly all worthwhile. I was pleasantly surprised how he could still recognize me after not seeing him for 4 months. (Suspect my best friend called back and tell him godmummy's coming!) But still, I choose to believe he recognize me.. Haha!!
Oh! Joke of the night - Matt called me Mummy and HIS mummy as Godmummy. Heehee.. My friend went "What! 我那么的幸苦把你生出来，你叫我 Godmummy!!" Heehee...
I went with gifts for friend (birthday) + socks for John + orange shirt for Matt. In returned, I was surprised by a gift which I haven't been receiving for the longest time in my life!! A soft TOY (In the colour she loved most!)!!!
It says "We laugh together when we're happy and cry when we are sad. So I just wanted you to know you're the best friend I've ever had."... So sweet.. There is SO much truth in what was on the T-shirt. She literally cried together with me. On break ups, on disappointments, on mistakes and failures. She always laugh with me. On success, on career, on life in general, on simple things like being able to make it to her place.
I went back home filled with hugs, kisses and love.
Love indeed makes the world goes around.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Courage
1 Timothy 1:7 - "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline."
I was chatting with my friend last week and I was sharing with her something that has been disturbing my heart for some time.
A month or two back, I was on my way back to my office after a home visit. At the corner of my eye, I could see this guy lifting his arm up. After awhile, I got curious and wondered what he was doing. I peeked and saw he was snapping photos of the lady in front of him. Mind you.. The lady wasn't skimpily dressed. She was very decent and yes.. all covered. I glared at the guy and thereafter, he stopped. After which, I hesitated for a long time. I was hesitating - Should I go straight up to him and tell him what he's doing is not right? Or should I just mind my own business and stay put? I decided that I should leave the decision to the lady on what she wants to do. So I decided - Ok. Why not tell her? As I was about to move to tell the lady, she got up and got off the bus.
That was about say... between 3-5 minutes only...? Well.. To be VERY honest, I was grappled by the lack of courage. I didn't have the courage to do what was right at that point of time. I was afraid of the consequences. I was afraid of what I could be accused of.
Last night, I watched "The Lake House". It was a romantic show. Indeed, it was very romantic but what caught me was the scene where Sandra Bullock, a doctor, saw an accident. She dropped whatever she was doing immediately and ran straight out to where the accident took place. I thought to myself "Boy.. Was she courageous!!! I could never do that! I saw what was supposed to be a social issue yet I lack of the courage to do anything!". Well, I did shared with 2 friends about what I felt after the show. One replied "Well.. she reacted basically because that's her passion...". Another friend replied "Perhaps.. she knows what to do...".
Today in Hopekids, the kids were taught on doing what is right instead of doing what they want. When I went to the 2nd service, I was worshipping God and suddenly, that verse from 1 Tim 1:7 came to me. On closing after praise & worship, Michael said something about having courage to do what is right. Gosh.. Talk about God speaking to me. I think He really spoke to me! Yup.. What my friends said was right.. Perhaps Sandra Bullock reacted quickly because of her passion and her knowledge. Perhaps, I can also say "Aww... it's only a movie...". But ultimately, I guess I know myself - I AM lack of that courage to speak up.
- To set things right, I'm not trying to be a superhero. :) -
I was chatting with my friend last week and I was sharing with her something that has been disturbing my heart for some time.
A month or two back, I was on my way back to my office after a home visit. At the corner of my eye, I could see this guy lifting his arm up. After awhile, I got curious and wondered what he was doing. I peeked and saw he was snapping photos of the lady in front of him. Mind you.. The lady wasn't skimpily dressed. She was very decent and yes.. all covered. I glared at the guy and thereafter, he stopped. After which, I hesitated for a long time. I was hesitating - Should I go straight up to him and tell him what he's doing is not right? Or should I just mind my own business and stay put? I decided that I should leave the decision to the lady on what she wants to do. So I decided - Ok. Why not tell her? As I was about to move to tell the lady, she got up and got off the bus.
That was about say... between 3-5 minutes only...? Well.. To be VERY honest, I was grappled by the lack of courage. I didn't have the courage to do what was right at that point of time. I was afraid of the consequences. I was afraid of what I could be accused of.
Last night, I watched "The Lake House". It was a romantic show. Indeed, it was very romantic but what caught me was the scene where Sandra Bullock, a doctor, saw an accident. She dropped whatever she was doing immediately and ran straight out to where the accident took place. I thought to myself "Boy.. Was she courageous!!! I could never do that! I saw what was supposed to be a social issue yet I lack of the courage to do anything!". Well, I did shared with 2 friends about what I felt after the show. One replied "Well.. she reacted basically because that's her passion...". Another friend replied "Perhaps.. she knows what to do...".
Today in Hopekids, the kids were taught on doing what is right instead of doing what they want. When I went to the 2nd service, I was worshipping God and suddenly, that verse from 1 Tim 1:7 came to me. On closing after praise & worship, Michael said something about having courage to do what is right. Gosh.. Talk about God speaking to me. I think He really spoke to me! Yup.. What my friends said was right.. Perhaps Sandra Bullock reacted quickly because of her passion and her knowledge. Perhaps, I can also say "Aww... it's only a movie...". But ultimately, I guess I know myself - I AM lack of that courage to speak up.
- To set things right, I'm not trying to be a superhero. :) -
Friday, November 10, 2006
Life seemed altogether different without...
It's ironical. My sister went for a holiday and it's only the 2nd day that she left and I am missing her already. Home feels different without her. :/
I walked through this week in a daze. As much as I tried not to allow my client's death affect me, it somehow still did. Not that I am sad or anything.. Perhaps, his death has placed a sort of urgency within me. An urgency to bring people and friends to know who this lovely Jesus is. A greater need and want to treasure those around me. A greater urgency to make sure that my clients who are in my list are properly assessed, linked and helped. Because of this urgency, somehow, I really try to put in 100% at work. (which I often feel that it's not possible) It's, after all, a priviledge to know stories behind a life.
Anyhow, I borrowed DVDs to while my Saturday away. Rather, I borrowed DVD to have a relaxing day. It seemed to be a rare Sat that I am not working, not child minding, not running errands. Simply stay at home. Sounds rare thus making sure that I relax.
I walked through this week in a daze. As much as I tried not to allow my client's death affect me, it somehow still did. Not that I am sad or anything.. Perhaps, his death has placed a sort of urgency within me. An urgency to bring people and friends to know who this lovely Jesus is. A greater need and want to treasure those around me. A greater urgency to make sure that my clients who are in my list are properly assessed, linked and helped. Because of this urgency, somehow, I really try to put in 100% at work. (which I often feel that it's not possible) It's, after all, a priviledge to know stories behind a life.
Anyhow, I borrowed DVDs to while my Saturday away. Rather, I borrowed DVD to have a relaxing day. It seemed to be a rare Sat that I am not working, not child minding, not running errands. Simply stay at home. Sounds rare thus making sure that I relax.
Monday, November 06, 2006
-
Title's '-' simply because I can't really give a title to this blog. In all honesty, I have no idea how did today really went about. I was thrown dazed by the first phone call I made the minute I stepped into office.
My client passed away. When his wife called me crying, I just gave her time to talk it out. I gave her time to cry it out. Honestly, I gave her so much time because I really don't know what to say. I have no right words at that point of time. I can't say "Life is still going to be the same" - She lost her half. I can't say that "It's going to be all right" - It will not be all right. Neither can I say "I understand" - For I really will not be able to fully understand. When she shared with me her husband's last wish, that's IT, I can't hold back. I dropped tears. His last wish was the very reason why I am helping out this family. That's to reunite his child back home. In a way, from what I see, his wish has been fulfilled - upon his death.
How do I feel? I feel upset. I feel upset that death has to happen for one to realise what treasuring is all about. On my way to work today, I was still telling myself that I want to give this family a call for a meet up. On my way to work today, I walked passed 3 wakes and I was still wondering "Who were the deceased? How were they like before their death? Wish it was a Christian wake.. etc". What I didn't know was that I had to attend 1 of the 3 in the evening. Also, I asked myself if I should have had done more. Again, it's back to the question: Have I done enough? Did I put in 100% or was it just 99% (or worse 50%)? Though I was rejected by his child over and over again, honestly, it simply didn't give me an excuse to work 1%/50% less. I felt too that such is the fragility of life. I just met him a month back and spoke to him a few weeks back and he was fine! This was one of my first families that I had.
When my colleague saw me crying, she said "Now you can understand how I felt when my client passed away." I kinda rebutted "I don't have to have one client to pass away for me to know how you feel." I guess, I was in quite a biting mode in the morning. I know she didn't mean it in a bad way but I just bite back.
Now after more than 12 hours has passed, I am in a less biting mode. Death always brings me down. The last time I heard of an acquaintance's death, I poured in public. I feel that, when death takes place, that's it. That's really "The End" of a story of a life. It's either up or down. There's nothing one can do to bring a person to life again (unless God performs a miracle).
However, this has become a lesson and reminder for me - To live life to its maximum fullest as how God has planned it to be! To love life and to love people. To treasure things and people that and whom I have now. To give thanks for the tiniest things ever. To never take my family for granted (it happens..!). To never take friends who are dear to me for granted.
- Tomorrow will be a better day! -
My client passed away. When his wife called me crying, I just gave her time to talk it out. I gave her time to cry it out. Honestly, I gave her so much time because I really don't know what to say. I have no right words at that point of time. I can't say "Life is still going to be the same" - She lost her half. I can't say that "It's going to be all right" - It will not be all right. Neither can I say "I understand" - For I really will not be able to fully understand. When she shared with me her husband's last wish, that's IT, I can't hold back. I dropped tears. His last wish was the very reason why I am helping out this family. That's to reunite his child back home. In a way, from what I see, his wish has been fulfilled - upon his death.
How do I feel? I feel upset. I feel upset that death has to happen for one to realise what treasuring is all about. On my way to work today, I was still telling myself that I want to give this family a call for a meet up. On my way to work today, I walked passed 3 wakes and I was still wondering "Who were the deceased? How were they like before their death? Wish it was a Christian wake.. etc". What I didn't know was that I had to attend 1 of the 3 in the evening. Also, I asked myself if I should have had done more. Again, it's back to the question: Have I done enough? Did I put in 100% or was it just 99% (or worse 50%)? Though I was rejected by his child over and over again, honestly, it simply didn't give me an excuse to work 1%/50% less. I felt too that such is the fragility of life. I just met him a month back and spoke to him a few weeks back and he was fine! This was one of my first families that I had.
When my colleague saw me crying, she said "Now you can understand how I felt when my client passed away." I kinda rebutted "I don't have to have one client to pass away for me to know how you feel." I guess, I was in quite a biting mode in the morning. I know she didn't mean it in a bad way but I just bite back.
Now after more than 12 hours has passed, I am in a less biting mode. Death always brings me down. The last time I heard of an acquaintance's death, I poured in public. I feel that, when death takes place, that's it. That's really "The End" of a story of a life. It's either up or down. There's nothing one can do to bring a person to life again (unless God performs a miracle).
However, this has become a lesson and reminder for me - To live life to its maximum fullest as how God has planned it to be! To love life and to love people. To treasure things and people that and whom I have now. To give thanks for the tiniest things ever. To never take my family for granted (it happens..!). To never take friends who are dear to me for granted.
- Tomorrow will be a better day! -
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Fluttering of the Heart
I experienced something which I had NEVER experienced before.
As I walked along the streets of Orchard today, I got a very weird flutter in my heart. A few sightings...
Someone standing over a Singapore Sweep (lucky draw) trying to figure out which one she should buy in order to win. I wonder - Is she buying a hope? How many mouths is she feeding?
An old lady having difficulty in walking carrying a huge load of paper cartons. An old man laying his empty cans so as to step on it to flatten. I wonder - Do they have any family members? Children? Why are they working so hard? For money or for leisure?
A very young man sweeping the pavement. I wonder - What's his plans for his future? I actually looked into his eyes (cause I was looking at him) and I thought I saw in that pair of eyes screaming out loud "Why am I doing this?"
It sounds weird.. But my heart fluttered. And right in the middle of Orchard road, I nearly wanted to cry. Not being Mother Theresa here. Not trying to save the world too (I can't). Yet, all of a sudden, I don't know why, I just felt heart pain. I can't put my feelings into words today. I simply can't. However, the image still stays in my mind.
I've never experienced such burden in my heart as today.
As I walked along the streets of Orchard today, I got a very weird flutter in my heart. A few sightings...
Someone standing over a Singapore Sweep (lucky draw) trying to figure out which one she should buy in order to win. I wonder - Is she buying a hope? How many mouths is she feeding?
An old lady having difficulty in walking carrying a huge load of paper cartons. An old man laying his empty cans so as to step on it to flatten. I wonder - Do they have any family members? Children? Why are they working so hard? For money or for leisure?
A very young man sweeping the pavement. I wonder - What's his plans for his future? I actually looked into his eyes (cause I was looking at him) and I thought I saw in that pair of eyes screaming out loud "Why am I doing this?"
It sounds weird.. But my heart fluttered. And right in the middle of Orchard road, I nearly wanted to cry. Not being Mother Theresa here. Not trying to save the world too (I can't). Yet, all of a sudden, I don't know why, I just felt heart pain. I can't put my feelings into words today. I simply can't. However, the image still stays in my mind.
I've never experienced such burden in my heart as today.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Morning
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. - Psalms 143:12"
I love mornings.. Mornings bring about a freshness in the air. Mornings bring about joy.. More importantly, mornings bring about HOPE! HOPE that whatever sad or bad that happened the day before remains as past. Morning brings about a sense of new-ness! Mistakes made yesterday will be learned and not made again. Losses will still be painful. However, with each morning, we know that we are walking slowly and steadily towards recovery.
"And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured our his love into our heart by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. - Romans 5:5"
Together with verses, came this song in my head.
He's Always Been Faithful
Inspired by and written for Marek and Silvie Janovsky and their church in Duchov, Czech Republic
Sara Groves
Morning by morning I wake up to find the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.
Season by season I watch him amazed, in awe of the mystery of his perfect ways.
Chorus:
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me. .
I can't remember a trial or a pain he did not recycle to bring me gain.
I can't remember one single regret in serving God only and trusting his hand. .
Chorus
This is my anthem, this is my song, the theme of the stories I've heard for so long.
God has been faithful, he will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.
Chorus
I have uploaded the song here.
I love mornings.. Mornings bring about a freshness in the air. Mornings bring about joy.. More importantly, mornings bring about HOPE! HOPE that whatever sad or bad that happened the day before remains as past. Morning brings about a sense of new-ness! Mistakes made yesterday will be learned and not made again. Losses will still be painful. However, with each morning, we know that we are walking slowly and steadily towards recovery.
"And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured our his love into our heart by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. - Romans 5:5"
Together with verses, came this song in my head.
He's Always Been Faithful
Inspired by and written for Marek and Silvie Janovsky and their church in Duchov, Czech Republic
Sara Groves
Morning by morning I wake up to find the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.
Season by season I watch him amazed, in awe of the mystery of his perfect ways.
Chorus:
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me. .
I can't remember a trial or a pain he did not recycle to bring me gain.
I can't remember one single regret in serving God only and trusting his hand. .
Chorus
This is my anthem, this is my song, the theme of the stories I've heard for so long.
God has been faithful, he will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.
Chorus
I have uploaded the song here.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Beautiful Scars
(1) On this joyous occasion, ....................... together with us Ben & Cheryl warmly invite Sandra to share with us this special moment in our lives are we celebrate....
Wedding date: Nov 21st
(2) "Save.The.Date, Eric bought the ring, And Elsie said Yes, There's going to be a wedding and dance, We hope you will be our guest."
Wedding date: Jan 11th
(3) Yet to receive Wedding Card but RSVPed.
Wedding date: Jan 20th
All of whom are my poly friends. Friend # (1) is Ben. Always remember him as this tall big sized classmate in my 1st year class at Poly. I was 17 years old then. Young but maybe not that young. Mature, definitely am not. However, in that year, I was "crazy". I was in Electrical Engineering and in those days, it's quite a MAN's course to get into. I remember that in my class, there were only a few girls. Being a tomboy, I could easily gel with them well. Ben is someone whom I called "Father" cause he was HUGE in size and he always give me this fatherly figure image. Whenever we played "Catching", I will be lovingly known as the "Cockroach" cause I was small in size and nimble. Unfortunately, I can't find alot of photos. So this is the BEST few..! See if you can find me.. :P
Friend (2) Eric, my 2nd year classmate who happened to be my ex boyfriend of 4 years plus plus. Someone whom I shared a common interest in the area of sea sports. Love story started when we signed up for wind surfing. Chatted and like every other teenagers, fell in love. Relationship ended when we realised we didn't know why we were in a relationship. We were in it for the sake of being in it. Of course, though it was a mutual understanding, back then, I still loved him la.. So of course, like any other break-up couples, I cried for a few months.
We had never lost contact after the break up though. We always felt that no matter what, our lives has crossed and a friendship should remain. Many years later when we meet up, it was nice just reminiscing how silly we were, how crazy we could be, how we tried to love each other in the only ways we knew how. It has been 11 years that I have known Eric. Our friendship has come a long way. I have seen him maturing from a guy who doesn't know who he wants in life to someone who knows. When he asked me for advise on how to love his girlfriend (his wife to be), on where to get certain things for her, I knew he found the love of his life.
I am so glad... to have receive an invite to his wedding. A dear friend indeed.
Friend (3) is Fang. She is the friend who did all those lovely cards that I have blogged before. She is someone who has left me one life regret. Sometimes, I wonder - What will our friendship be like if I had not taken her for granted? She taught me how not to judge others by what gossips says. She is my 2nd year classmate and she has friends who heard gossips about me. However, she stood firm in the fact that she knows me personally and I am not what the gossips say I am. [I have no idea what the gossips were]
Well, I was young.. and immature. I didn't know how to treasure a good friend. I had to fall in order to learn. Tsk....
Receiving wedding invites is nearly a norm nowadays. Going onto 30, I practically am seeing all my friends getting married one by one. Weddings usually give me goosebumps.However, this three invites has caused me to be a little emotional.
In just a blink of an eye, 12 years passed. We see each other through the different phases of life. It makes me realised how life can be so beautiful through the many scars.
- Jz in a reminiscing mode -
Wedding date: Nov 21st
(2) "Save.The.Date, Eric bought the ring, And Elsie said Yes, There's going to be a wedding and dance, We hope you will be our guest."
Wedding date: Jan 11th
(3) Yet to receive Wedding Card but RSVPed.
Wedding date: Jan 20th
All of whom are my poly friends. Friend # (1) is Ben. Always remember him as this tall big sized classmate in my 1st year class at Poly. I was 17 years old then. Young but maybe not that young. Mature, definitely am not. However, in that year, I was "crazy". I was in Electrical Engineering and in those days, it's quite a MAN's course to get into. I remember that in my class, there were only a few girls. Being a tomboy, I could easily gel with them well. Ben is someone whom I called "Father" cause he was HUGE in size and he always give me this fatherly figure image. Whenever we played "Catching", I will be lovingly known as the "Cockroach" cause I was small in size and nimble. Unfortunately, I can't find alot of photos. So this is the BEST few..! See if you can find me.. :P
Friend (2) Eric, my 2nd year classmate who happened to be my ex boyfriend of 4 years plus plus. Someone whom I shared a common interest in the area of sea sports. Love story started when we signed up for wind surfing. Chatted and like every other teenagers, fell in love. Relationship ended when we realised we didn't know why we were in a relationship. We were in it for the sake of being in it. Of course, though it was a mutual understanding, back then, I still loved him la.. So of course, like any other break-up couples, I cried for a few months.
We had never lost contact after the break up though. We always felt that no matter what, our lives has crossed and a friendship should remain. Many years later when we meet up, it was nice just reminiscing how silly we were, how crazy we could be, how we tried to love each other in the only ways we knew how. It has been 11 years that I have known Eric. Our friendship has come a long way. I have seen him maturing from a guy who doesn't know who he wants in life to someone who knows. When he asked me for advise on how to love his girlfriend (his wife to be), on where to get certain things for her, I knew he found the love of his life.
I am so glad... to have receive an invite to his wedding. A dear friend indeed.
Friend (3) is Fang. She is the friend who did all those lovely cards that I have blogged before. She is someone who has left me one life regret. Sometimes, I wonder - What will our friendship be like if I had not taken her for granted? She taught me how not to judge others by what gossips says. She is my 2nd year classmate and she has friends who heard gossips about me. However, she stood firm in the fact that she knows me personally and I am not what the gossips say I am. [I have no idea what the gossips were]
Well, I was young.. and immature. I didn't know how to treasure a good friend. I had to fall in order to learn. Tsk....
Receiving wedding invites is nearly a norm nowadays. Going onto 30, I practically am seeing all my friends getting married one by one. Weddings usually give me goosebumps.However, this three invites has caused me to be a little emotional.
In just a blink of an eye, 12 years passed. We see each other through the different phases of life. It makes me realised how life can be so beautiful through the many scars.
- Jz in a reminiscing mode -
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