Counting down

I'm getting really excited. 4 days more and I am gonna be with my little darling full time. I have to admit this - I am crazy over the little one.  No, I am not idolizing her yet but I am so amazed by her and with God.  How could someone so small, so helpless, so plain stole my heart.  One cry and I run over to her.  I drop all that I am doing and I go to her.  She doesn't come to me.  I go to her.

I can't help but recall the song that pierced right through my heart in the church camp of 2004 when I came back to God (yes, again) - When God Ran (by Philips, Craig and Dean).  How many times had I tried to walk away from His purpose?  How many Whys had I asked Him?  How many times had I disobeyed and disappointed Him?

Yet, in just one cry out to Him, He embraced me in His arms.

Psalms 121, my favorite chapter in Psalms, says

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

 

He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

Many verses in the bible talks about people crying out to God.  The Israelites cried out when they were made slaves.  Jacob cried and wrestled.  Moses cried out so many times.  David.  Almost the whole Psalms, he was crying out.  Jesus, the ultimate lamb, cried out to God in the garden of Gethsemane and God comforted Jesus.  EVEN though, the pain was not relieved of him, Jesus knew that the Lord is watching over him.  The Lord hears his cries.  The Lord has run to him to hug him, to comfort him, to love him.

Likewise, if the little one falls down and cry, knocks her head or bum and cry, wants a hug and cry, I will never hesitate to run to her, pick her up, hug her and repeatedly tell her "I love you darling, I love you, mummy loves you. It's ok, pain pain awhile.. it's ok, ok? Mummy loves you. Mummy really loves you." It just go on repeat mode until she's soothed & smiling.

I guess that's how things are like with God and me? God just whispering "My dear San, I love you. I love you very very very much. How much? So much that I have died for you."

... and for the record, if I am needed to die so that Faith can live, now, I am able to have a tiny weeny glimpse of why God is able to do that. :)

Here's a short clip of my little one saying her Amens. :)

WoooooooOohoooo! 10 months!!

Faith dearest,

 

Quick one. (These days it has been tough blogging - Tired)

 

You turn 10 months old yesterday! I hope life has been beautiful to you as much as you have made mine beautiful.  You have nearly tripled your birth weight, PD said that's great news.

 

U stunned mummy one day when you responded to my Hi & wave with a Hi & a wave. A week later, when I said A-A-A-A-men, you went Ahhhhhh bah, Ahhhhh bah!! Well, worlds apart from sounding like Amen but I knew you were repeating that same word.

You are furniture-walking and crawling away now. With that, welcome into the world of hard knocks!! You had fallen on the buttocks a few times, knock your head once or twice (or maybe more!). Sorry, mummy tried to prevent already but sometimes, you are a tad too active for mummy. Before I could even anticipate, you had a knock already. :)

Sleep-wise has been breezy towards the end of your 9th month, thank God!! These days, we turn off all lights, allow you to flip around with all your might and wa-la! Next thing we know, you are deep in sleep. I'm glad that the bedtime routine we adhered to so tightly is well rewarded!

We love you, my darling. :)

 

 

Abundance & Joy

2012 has been more than a challenging year to me.  On top of managing a newborn baby, there are also other relationships to manage. Looking at 2012 now with a clearer mind, I can only say that things really could have been better but I do not want to live in the Could haves and Should haves and I wish and If only.

2013 brings about a lot of excitement for me.  The most exciting yet scary excitement is that I am finally going to live out my dream - To be a stay home mom! Honestly, it's exciting because I have no idea how life is going to be like with a baby.  It is also exciting having to manage money even more wisely.  It is also equally exciting to know that come September, I would have to bid this position farewell because my baby is going to go childcare.  As exciting as it sounds, it is also equally scary.

With a baby, many things came to light for me.  Much has surfaced and also resurfaced.  The major thing that resurfaced was my anger, my temper (Don't worry, baby has been very very safe, thank God for a more-than-understanding husband who helps me normalize and gives me space to breathe. :)).  I always knew I had issues with my anger but it has always been very controlled until a baby came along.  Beginning, it had left me helpless, most times.  Many situations also left me feeling very dis-empowered especially when I felt that my role as a mother has been threatened & disrespected.  Whenever my anger got the better of me, shame and guilt always overwhelms me thereafter when I cooled down.  What woke me up like a pail of water splashed over me was when I flared up one day in the presence of Faith.

I cried my way to work.  I cried because I fear that the thing I feared most would happen.  I had always told Geo, told myself, never would I want my child to ever witness the temper and anger that my dad had.  I grew up with a fear.  I do not want my children to grow up with that fear.  That very morning, I dragged myself to work.  It was painful. Thankfully, I was able to speak to someone who gave me very good counsel.  She gave me a listening ear, one who listens without judging, one who simply allowed me to cry my heart, my frustrations, my life out, one who gave me the space to be me.  Once I got myself sorted out (& it was over a few sessions), I felt renewed & refreshed.

I sent 2012 away with much joy & anticipation of what 2013 will bring for me.  Just barely 1/2 month into 2013 and God has impressed upon me so many times the words Joy and Abundance.  I am claiming it with all of my life and I am believing that 2013 would be greater than 2012 (just as 2012 was greater than 2011!). 

I am jotting this down not to share about how terrible I am or how terrible my dad was.  No.  I believe my daddy had raised me in the best he knew how.  I do remember goodness too.  Of how he had provided, of how he had protected, of how he had given his all.  I am jotting this down to remind myself of God's goodness.  When I had thought I had COMPLETELY no open doors, He opened a window for me to escape.  He sent an angel to counsel me.  I am beginning to understand a little deeper of my wedding verse - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I love how paradoxical the verse is.  I love how minute I am and how great He is.  I love how our marriage is so dependent on Him.

I am also jotting this down to share that there is power in Christian Counseling.  Be open to receive just as it is also equally important to be open to give of self.  The 8 months break to take care of Faith has been very timely.  I had always wanted to take a sabbatical to think about my career.  I am embracing this break like a treasure!