Expressions

Geo's birthday today so we went out last night. Reminisced a little, reflected quite a lot, talked until we were bored. Thus, we decided to dramatized our little outing with some expressive photos. Hee! Guess which look I love zeeeee most??

The Gift

As much as I have decided not to blog till next year, my mind was filled with the after thoughts from the Christmas Service - The Gift.

At the end of the service, the Gift was unwrapped. From the breathtaking Filipino choir to the awesome drama to the heartfelt preaching by Ps Jeff to the heartwarming conversation between Ps Jeff and Edmund (I think that's the name) to the song presentation, the Gift was unknowingly unwrapped.

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

The Greatest Love, The Greatest Gift, The Greatest Life.

I do not know about the rest but there were several moments in the entire service that I was at the brim of tears. After some years as a Christ believer, I have come to understand and fathom and know that there is NO perfect church, there is NO perfect caregroup, there is NO perfect situation, there is NO perfect sermon, there is NO perfect program. However, there is a perfect man who gave up His Kingship to come down to earth to die for an imperfect me.

Yup, I am convicted. Convicted that it's Christ that I am focused on.

Is it Christmas today???

"Is it Christmas today?" This was what I told my friend today!! I really thought it was boxing day! I guess I must have left my monkey brains somewhere.

Time flies and really without me knowing. Too much has happened & too lazy to blog. Can only say that 2008 has been REALLY great! Just some photos to feast the eyes.

I have not been really involved at home this year when it comes to the Christmas decoration. Sis & mum put up the tree. Mum origami-ed her santa claus. The ONLY gift that's not bogus is the HUGE white one for my parents.

I have had wanted to drive down to Suntec City for our Christmas service but was advised against it! Totally agreed! My eyes were so tired that I think it would have been dangerous driving. :)

@ The Rock Auditorium on Christmas Eve. Theme was The Gift. In its simplest way, the message was delivered, the gift was unwrapped. A simple verse: John 3:16. What better way to celebrate Christmas! Dropped teared at different point of time.. I am thankful for the production team and whoever has a hand in it! Kudos!

Was at Family Service the next day (Christmas Day), helping out at Hopekids. Man!!! 4-12 years old were all hosted at America Room. That was the first time I saw America Room at its MAX!!!!

I love this most!! I asked for their BEST smile and here it is. :) Amazing ways on how kids can brighten up my life. Oh!!! Chern Han overheard a conversation between May Ann (his eldest sis) & me. I asked May Ann "OooOh.. Are you VERY tired? You have been yawning." Chern Han looked up at me, tugged my arm and said "I am also very tired." I was amused. :P

Yupz.. If you have noticed by now, I have finally chopped my hair. Next month would probably go shorter. See how... :D

Merry Christmas!!

Freedom

For the last 3 years, I have often blamed myself for allowing my work life affect my personal life. You know, emotions from work will, more or less, spill over into my own personal life. My close friends (Geo inclusive of course) had been through tears & laughter with me whenever I share about my work. It often end up in celebration or a good hug to tell me that things will be fine.

In today's meeting, boss said this "Everyone experience pain in life. Normal people feel pain. Therefore, pain is normal. Pain will stun a person's ability. In this line of work when we deal children in pain, we will be emotionally involved too. E.g., If I take in half of ones pain, he is lessened by 50%. Then I go to another person to take in half of the pain, his pain will be lessened by 50%. Soon, I will be carrying a lot of pain from them. Therefore, in this work, whilst the children feel pain, we will feel the pain also. Therefore, we really need to support one another." After his 'speech', tears welled up slightly because I felt I am not that abnormal after all.

Words from my boss still rings today "Everyone experience pain. Normal people feel pain. Therefore, pain is normal. Pain will stun a person's ability." Really, who doesn't feel pain? Pain from the lack of proper childhood, pain from being rejected, pain from a break up with first love, pain from unrequited love, pain from the lack of confidence, pain from the lack of family, pain from the lack of proper attention. I do believe strongly that what we go through in life determines who we are as an adult. The only factor that could help us be freed from the pain is God.

After 3 years, I have come to a conclusion that no matter how much I can pump in my help to a child or adult, no help is greater than the help one gives himself and the best help one can give oneself is to accept Christ as their Lord. Again, it's through this I see the sovereignty hand of God over my own life. I carried pain with me for 20 over years until I decided, one day, that I am sick of being in control of my own life, I told God "Take over."

God has been good. He is still good. Christmas is coming and as I recollect my journey with God, I cannot help but be grateful. Christmas is indeed a time for celebration. A celebration of the birth of the One who saves and loves.

The power of our thoughts

My colleague shared with me his frustration in one of his self-arranged concert. One singer went to him and assured him that she can really really sing. When my colleague asked her to sing, she kinda turned it down gently until she couldn't, just awhile before the concert. My colleague was appalled because she really cannot make it. In order to have a successful concert, he has to do what he has to do - Get her out.

After that episode, he learned that when one believes that he is right, no matter what happens, it will be right. Just like the singer, she truly believes that she can sing, so she really does believe that she can sing and she was rather hurt when told she can't. Perhaps she was counting for an opportunity.

Perhaps she simply believes she can sing. We do not know for sure. One thing though, I find that our mind, humanly speaking, is very fragile, yet very powerful. Our action is determined by what we think. So if we think wrongly, our next move would be gravely wrong.

I began to question myself - What is my thought life? How healthy is my thought life? Where is God in my thought life?

Weddings

These days, I am jolting my memory a bit and doing a walk down 2008. 2008 has been a year of changes for me, at work, my life, my family. It has also been a year that I seemed to have experienced God at a slightly deeper level. I will not elaborate too much right now till I get my thoughts sorted.

However, one area that made 2008 stand out as compared to the other years is the number of weddings I attended. Ok, might not beat the record for most of you but in my very small circle of friends, I have broken my own record for the year - at least a wedding a month. 2 more upcoming in January 2009.

Holiday in Singapore

It rained when I woke up. Wondered if we could still bring the dogs for a walk as promised. Drizzled but don't really care. Armed with 2 dogs, we made our way to East Coast Park. After about 200m, we found out that we are NOT allowed pets at McDonalds. In the end, we had our breakfast at East Coast Park's CARPARK! 3 girls, 2 dogs gobbling 3 sets of breakfast down our throat. Well, we prepared a 'feast' for the dogs too.

We returned home, waited for Geo and we made our way down to Ikea. It was crowded but we were focused! 1 chest of drawers and 1 table top. Hmmm... Perhaps, we swayed a little. We made more than those purchases. I felt broke-r after today but it WAS really a day filled with fun. Haaaa!!!!

Intimacy

I was rarely sick but last weekend, I was a goner. Started with 2 little sneezes on Friday. Sneezed so badly that sleep came easy. On Saturday, I woke up with a running tap that can't be turned off. By evening, I had to pop the pill for my nose. For those who knows me will know that I totally dislike to be medicated. Ceiling spun and I slept. Next day, I was still a tad drowsy and couldn't wake up for first service so I excused myself for the second service.

The minute I stepped into Nexus, I felt a sharp pain in my gastric area. I thought 'That's it! How to survive till my night's appointment??' By the second praise song, I could not remain standing anymore. I decided to lay hands on my own gastric area and prayed to God for healing. I was praying so hard - Oh God!! Heal me!

All of a sudden, in the midst of my pain, I heard this small voice telling me "Where is your faith? Where is your trust in me?"

That was when I realized that although I was praying desperately for healing, at the back of my mind, I had my plans. I thought "Perhaps I can get someone to fetch me back home. Perhaps if I can withstand during the day, at most I get a day's MC tomorrow. Or perhaps I take a cab home & rest then in the evening, come out grab my car and attend my night's appointment." I can honestly tell you that my list goes on and on.

"Where is your faith, my dear daughter?" That jolted me up! As much I really want to have faith in God to heal me, I was making humanly plans. I then realized that there is NO way I will be healed because doubts were covering my eyes from seeing far. In order to see things with my spiritual eyes, I have to exercise faith. I have to believe. I have to stop relying on myself.

By the end of the P&W session, my gastric pains were gone (though I still look sickly due to the sneezing). A friend prayed over me after the service. Amazingly, during lunch, I could have the appetite to have rice! I could even shopped around for a pair of shoe. However, dur to the lack of sleep, I had my siesta in my car for about 45 mins before my evening's appointment.

Another milestone for me in my journey with God. I would say that this is the first time I had laid hands on myself and received healing. I am really enjoying this intimacy with God.

7 precious hours

I had a really tiring day. Yet, on my drive home, I was filled with deep emotions & tears just trickled down.

We hosted 2 siblings of a kid (of ours) in our Home today. The 2 siblings come from 2 other different institutions - of which, one's a closed institution. It was with much difficulty that we got the orphans to come together (due to protocols, rules, regulations).

We had 7 hours to play host. 7 hours to give the siblings a positive experience. 7 hours to leave a deep impact. 7 hours to give the siblings THEIR moment. 7 hours to appeal for the other 2 siblings to want to come to our Home. 7 precious hours to the siblings. 7 VERY precious hours for the Home's staff to observe and advocate.

Everything was planned. The siblings arrived at noon. We planned a tour around the Home then let the siblings have some nice time together in the kid's room. Followed by a nice lunch at some restaurant nearby. By the time lunch was over, 2 hours was over. Went back to the Home and we had some ice breaker games. We debriefed what went on during the games and we went out to the big and tall tree outside for some tree climbing (major highlight!). Ended the day with a BBQ prepared by 3 staff.

I played cheat. I grabbed more than 7 hours of their time. In total, the siblings had 8.5 hours of good time together. It was just a teary moment when my kid asked for a hug & the siblings gladly gave. As my car drove out, it was 'bye' non stop. I wound down the windscreen so that there is no barriers. I made sure I drove slowly so that I could buy more time.

If it weren't emotional for the siblings, it was very emotional for me. I was driving back & I was recollecting my day, giving thanks, did a run through, things that I could better improve, things that I could give myself a pat on my back and my thoughts were stuck at the image of the siblings hugging. Being the driver to separate the siblings was a painful job for me. As I observed the siblings, they appeared NORMAL to me (not like how monstrous reports make them sound). Yes, in that 8.5 hours, they quarreled & argued over the smallest things. I can imagine if they were living together, how rowdy things could have been. But who would in the right frame of mind, separate the 3 of them after they have lost both their parents? I am very saddened.

Being emotional goes both ways. After all that's said, I am on an emotional uproar too!!!! Today was BIG day for the kid. I am very thankful for this opportunity. I am so so glad that the siblings got to meet. I am excited to be part of this process. I felt so privileged to be part of this family's life. I am so heartened to see the siblings' love for one another. I am honestly, beyond words.

Heehee... next to being emotional and all, I am secretly very ecstatic to have experienced tree climbing! Hee!!! (This is the ONLY photo that I can share. The rest are P&C)

Punish-me-nt

A couple of weeks back, we were discussing about our Behaviour Management at one of our weekly team meetings.

Generally when something wrong is done, the flow is as such: Punishment -> Problem Solve -> Consequences -> Restoration. Some of our kids who came from the State's Home, they will be prepared that when they commit an 'offense', they will receive their due punishment; be it sit ups, push ups, star jumps, wash toilets, etc.

However, we believe that kids should be brought up as kids. Children are NOT little adults. Often, the BIG adults like me make that mistake of treating them like little adults. Already confining them in a Home is very demeaning. No kids in the right mind would love to be drawn apart from their family. They have gone through LOTS of pain which perhaps, I would never ever had the chance to experience. We believe that every relationship has a potential to blossom, given the right opportunity.

Therefore, we place relationship in high esteem. When a mishap happens (e.g. a bunch of mischievous kids played a prank on a staff and threw her clothes away while she was bathing), the first thing we were very mindful of was not to punish them. We made sure that the relationship between staff and the kids were restored. (That in essence, solves the problem) Then we sit down with the kids to ensure that they receive some form of consequences. If that is still not fulfilled then will we look into enforcing a punishment.

What then, is the difference between a consequence and a punishment? Consequences is thought through together with the kid. They accept it willingly. Two way traffic. Punishment basically is a reinforcement on our part.

Well, I am not saying that we are the BEST. Even I, struggle. So often, when a kid makes a very wrong mistake, my very first reaction is (honestly) to punish. It takes plenty of thought process to 'retaliate' the situation.

Not sure how many of you reading this entry can comprehend me but to end of this entry, my colleagues and I came up with this thought. Punishment in ESSENCE is really not about punishing but actually NOT to punish. Break up the word, you get 'Punish-me-nt'.

The Frog and the Scorpion

One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.

The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

"Alright then...how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog's back.

"I could not help myself. It is my nature."

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.

=====================================================================================

Early this morning, I went to fetch a child back to the Home. I had to do that because the child made a mistake - again. Each time it happen, the dad will be frustrated and thoughts of lodging a Beyond Parental Control complaint will linger in his mind. However, driven by love, he would see the consequences of the complaint and that'll be what I'll use to counter his lingering thoughts.

Later in the afternoon, I brought the child to the father and I told the father "I brought your child down personally for you to scold. So please do it." (I do this because I have to be very conscientious that the professionals do not take over the parenting role. I have to be very aware that the child's discipline is still their parents because that's whom they will live with in future. Not me. I am nothing but just a facilitator.) The father shared that he felt betrayed by his own child, who caused a drift between his wife and him. Despite the hurt the father faced, I could still see the love he has for his child. Despite wanting so much to lodge the BPC complaint, he decided to give the child a chance again - for almost the 10th time.

Now, when things were more cooled, that was when he shared the Aesop fable of the Scorpion and the Frog. I thought it was an apt analogy. Often, we forgot what it means to be playing a game from the same team. Easily, we subtly allowed jealousy, bitterness, temptations, etc, to seep in and cause a drift within the teammates. UNKNOWINGLY, we harm ourselves instead.

Frankly, wouldn't the world be a better place if we all choose to play our minimum part in the winning team? Working together towards a better life.

Zann's birthday

Celebrated Zann's birthday at Leng's place on Saturday. Had a VERY joyous time! Eh... Not sure about the birthday girl since she was sabotaged. Hee... *wink*

Sabotaging!

"Hear me roar!!!!"

Like machiam give certificate. Hahaha!!

F.A.M.I.L.Y

My sister is back - for good! It was a last minute decision from her company for her to return on Friday early morning. She informed me on Wednesday afternoon. In our conversation, I asked her why isn't she considering to stay on in the States since she loved it so dearly and she said that my parents needed her. Jokingly, I told her that more than just my parents needing her, I need her too!

Without my sister in Singapore, I often wonder how would things be like if I am the only child? Working & taking care of my dad is indeed not an easy task, especially with the demands of my work. Thankfully, mum has retired and is home full time but still, she needs her respite. After my dad's stroke, his concept of time has deteriorate quite a bit. He would be awake in the night and sleeps in the day. I could be receiving his call on my mobile at 3am.

Conclusion? I do not like being an only child. Not because I had to take on the sole responsibility of taking care of my parents but rather, it's nice having a sibling to talk to, to quarrel with, to argue over the silliest matter, etc.

Today, I was at a girls' school and I observed 2 siblings quarreling. It was rather funny. They were quarreling who to drink from the water fountain first. The younger one said "I am younger so I drink first." The older one was frustrated and said "Why is it always you going ahead first?" They were arguing quite loudly but I thought it was very funny. Made me reminisce my days with my sister when we were young.

I do not have much memory of my childhood days. I do, however, recall, that between the both of us, I was the very quick tempered and hot tempered one. I remember she got me mad so I used my Enid Blyton book to hit her head (it's either I recalled it or I've been reminded unceasingly by my sister). Haaa!!! When we go for our Art Class, we will sometimes slip to the back of the classroom don't know for what! After school, we would 'pak kak' (conspire). We would call our parents to report safety back home then we would slip to our neighbour's house at the 20-something floor. We would enjoy scaling up the door frame and swing ourselves at the fixed bar.

Anyway, siblings will always have sibling's rivalry. There will be pangs of jealousy once in a while. There will be anger now and then. Not forgetting, there will definitely be laughter and tears. Once family, always family. No matter how angry we can be, no matter how bad the quarrel was, we always made up in our own ways.

These days, I have been thinking a lot about this relationship call FAMILY. Early this morning, I got a father calling me feeling frustrated at his son not returning home again. In his anger, he wants to lodge a Beyond Parental Control complaint. Yet, due to his love for his son, he does not want to do that because he knows that the son will spend a month of remand at Singapore Boys' Home. He was torn all because of a father's love.

Then, at the Home front, I have 3 siblings who quarrels every other few hours. YET, when the younger one is 'bullied', the eldest will ALWAYS ALWAYS stand up for her, not bothering who is at fault. For all we know, the younger sister may be the one at fault but it doesn't bother the eldest sister because to her, she just want to protect.

I guess, at the end of this entry, what I want to depict is that we do not choose our family members. Once a family, always a family. We stick together as a family, in sorrow and in joy, in sickness and in health. Serving the families serve as a reminder to me that I must treasure what I have and not to covet for what I do not have.

Next Generation

It was a bright and sunny day as I strolled my way to Guyatt Park Ferry Terminal at St Lucia, Brisbane. I plonked myself on the bench waiting for CityCat to turn downstream. Took out my book to read but I was attracted to what seemed to be a mothers support group and a group of little kids. It was an appealing sight to me. The kids were playing wildly, running up and down the ramp. The mothers just sat around, chatting and laughing. [so cool, I was thinking].

Suddenly, there was a loud sound and the girl has fallen on her butt, while climbing up and down the railing along the ramp. I thought "that's it... her mother is going to scold her." Nope, the mother just coolly swept the dust off the little girl's bum asked her "What you did was dangerous. What do you think would have happened?" The girl stared at her mother and replied "I could have fallen over into the water." "Now, run along and play but please be careful."

Growing up in Singapore, an Asian country, I often see grandmothers and mothers fussing over their little ones. It's either "You see you see!!!! It's all your fault that this has happened! See if you dare do it again!" OR "Aiyo... son ah! (or daughter ah!) Are you all right or not? Are you hurt?"

I do not have children of my own. I do, however, have 19 kids under my care ranging from 1 - 16 years old who I believe, is training me to be one in time to come. Their parents are generally around my age or a few years older. Some are even younger than me! Through my job, I figured that parenting is a life-art. Kids are placed in a Home for various reasons, generally abused, neglect or orphaned.

I often wonder what would lead to a child being abused? Are their parents really 'crazy'? Have they experienced a terrible childhood that they had to torture their kid? Are the kids really very trying? Is it all the kids' fault? Or is it all the parents' fault?

It always take 2 hands to make a noise. Likewise, it's never entirely the fault on one party. When I talk to the kids, it's often parents not making time for them or them being too fierce or them not understanding them. In general, it's always not 'my fault' but 'their fault'. When I talk to the parents, it's often their kids not listening to them, they are asking for too many things, they are not understanding their situation. Again, it's always not 'my fault' but 'their fault'.

I had a chat some time back with a friend and we were talking about the Generation X & the Generation Y. Gen X people are born approximately from 1965 - 1981, late 50s or 60s or 1968 - 1979. Gen Y are the 'products' of Gen X, from 1982 to the millennial years.

Looking into the demographic and the sociological perspective of the matter, using my own personal life, I am able to see a difference in how the economy has evolved and developed. In my time, mobile phones, internet, computers are HUGE luxury items. To begin with, technology is not advance in my era. Back then, things seemed simpler. I work hard in my studies to gain an outing to the zoo. These days, I have kids telling me that they want to work hard in their studies so that they can have a PSP (handheld game).

A psychologist passed a comment "These days, before we can be a parent, we ought to be licensed first." As the world is evolving, media playing an important role, technology improving by leaps and bounds, I really am not too sure how the next generation of the world would be like.

I really dislike it!

This is always the period of time that I dislike most. November to December.

Gosh! The number of calls I received from organizations wanting to have parties, give presents, donate to the 'poor' kids from Homes have gone from 1 call per month to more than 10 a month.

Personally, I am NOT in favor of a one-time off parties. Yes, a group of volunteers come, thinking "Yay! I can finally bring the joy of the season, bring love, bring laughter, to these kids." but seriously, how much love & laughter & joy can one-time off volunteering do?

Often times, I feel that with parties & gifts & presents gave the kids SO much fun that they will find that it's actually not too bad to stay in a Home and their own home starts to fade off in their life. I always wonder if it's a good idea to plan for too many activities for the children because in reality, when they reunite with their family, their family will not be able to provide them with so many activities - then how?

So please... for those reading this entry, if volunteering is really what you would like to do, consider one-to-one volunteering. It may benefit a lot to that one kid more than you can to 20 kids. I live by the starfish story - Making a difference to one at a time.

CG get-together

It was rare that CG could have a 'formal' get-together and Steven P's wedding yesterday gave us a great opportunity.

Missing Zann

Today, we had another outing to East Coast Park. However, the sky decided to cry and Meddy couldn't join us. We decided then since she can't join us, we will bring ourselves to her and so we gatecrash! Hahaha!!!! We had great fun playing with the kids AND be thrown into water. It was an early birthday celebration for Zann and a very late sabotage for me. Haa!!

Missing Calvin

The Emperor's three questions

One day, my boss sent me this sms "Today's a good day. What's most important? NOW! Who's most important? The PERSON you are with at the moment! What's the most important thing to do? BE CHARITABLE and COMPASSIONATE"

A few days later, he gave me a few pages, seemingly a chapter from a book of a speaker, titled "The Emperor's three questions". (Read it if you can) This story is adapted from a book of short stories compiled by Leo Tolstoy.

I was very encouraged by what it's written.

"If you need to say sorry to your partner, don't start thinking of all the reasons why you shouldn't. Just do it now. The opportunity may never come again. Grab the moment." - NOW!

Give more, expect less. The greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment.

Dying

I was planting some sunflower seeds at the Home and I found myself giving some solid advice to the seeds as I place the seed in the soil "Quick die... So as to live again. So die die die!! Quick quick quick!"

In my quiet time this morning, I was encouraged by this statement that I read "God has made his promise to us -- It was ours to claim."

You know, after listening to so many tragic stories or even experience first-hand with the families, I have also come to the point of wondering - what are we fighting for? It is so ever common to feel that "This is my rights so I will do as I please." But think about it, what are our rights? What is my right?

In the biblical sense, isn't it easier, then, to die to ourselves - so that we can see a brighter future? We already have God's promises. So, what exactly are we scared about? Why is it that sometimes, we hesitate for so long? Perhaps, it's because we do not know how to trust - to trust that God CAN give us a brighter future if we let go of our pride and rights now.

Life's too short to 'play' around with my rights too much.

Yawn Yawn & Yawn

Finally able to stop and breathe a little. Things at work has been so crazy with profile reports, court reviews, cases going haywire (& me haywire too), and more than half the time, I am tense and angry, feeling that I am a terrible manager.

One unseen 'rule' of my life is that if anyone is at fault, it's never the fault of the 'follower' but the 'leader'. It takes a good leader to have good and supportive members. I go by the 'Set an example' rule.

I do take pride in being a good executor. You lead me well, I will support you really well too. I believe in being a good support. However, now that the role has been kind of switched, I see how important it is for these 2 roles to work hand in hand. A good supporter can't support without a good leader. Neither can a good leader lead without a good supporter.

An amateur like me have lots to learn. Just learning the art of knowing when to grip tightly and when to let loose is enough to give me a headache. However, I know for sure that as I learn how to trust in God, He will guide me, lead me and teach me.

Routines

This is SO way out! Can you believe it? I step out of my car, in my daily routine, with different footwear! Usually at my driver's seat, I would have my flip flops there (for rainy days).

Whenever I drive, I have a 'routine'. Turn off the aircon, turn off the radio, turn off the engine, slip into my footwear, step out, lock the car, check if it's locked and walk off. Often, my routine is so routine-d that I have to retrace my steps and do a check a second time as I would be wondering "Eh... Did I do that?"

And so, today, I got off my car and walked to the second storey of Ikea and then wondered "Why is my walking a little off today?" Looked down and realized how silly I looked! I contemplated if I should carry on my shopping or should I return to the car. I was in quite a hurry (before going to work) so I felt that returning to my car will be wasting my time. So I thought, I'd carry on shopping and I did just that. Soon, I see stares glaring at my lovely feet. Still, I pretended it's the BEST fashion ever and continued shopping as if that IS the way I stepped out of home.

I reckon that sometimes, life is indeed as such. Sometimes, we go through the motions of life that we do not know what we are getting out of it. Sometimes, after going through one entire day, if I do not do my reflection, I may just go to sleep feeling 'empty' cause it's 'just another day', 'another routine' and that is not a nice feeling. I do not like 'routines' though everyday, I have mini-routines. Waking up, bathing, starting the car, getting off the car, driving routes, etc. (Oh! Have I shared before that my bathroom was so routine that I thought my facial cleanser was my conditioner?)

I realize how important it is to constantly have spiritual breakthroughs (big or small) to keep my relationship with God fresh. Else, it's another routine in life.

In my anger.....

We had our usual Tuesday's meeting at work today. After going through all the 'peripherals' of the Home, we went through the incident that happened over the past one week. Basically, it was an incident that occurred because 2 kids had a fight while having dinner and one of them threw a glass to the floor and ran up to look for the caseworker in charge. Somehow, no staff were around. One of our household manager (houseparent) came along and naturally questioned about the mess. One kid calmed down and helped in the portion of the cleaning. The other kid who threw the glass, came down with the caseworker and both started to clean up. Whilst cleaning, suddenly, the kid reacted and threw a HUGE drama (which I will not elaborate).

We believe in teamwork and we believe in learning from past incidents. 'On hindsight' experience are always the best learning experience one can get. We wrote down the sequence of the event and brainstormed the factors that led to the steep escalation of explosive emotions.

Many opinions were given and we finally concluded that when the 2 kids quarreled, it was supposedly to be a private affair. However, in the way they know how to manage, and in the way WE had managed it, it became a public affair. In all honesty, which kid would love living in a Children's Home with so many other children? Don't all children want the warmth of their daddy and mummy and sibling where they can quarrel in peace?

After all that's been said, we went one last round on what we got out of the discussion. Self-awareness. This has been tugging my heart for the longest time. In order to make a fair judgment, in order to render the best help, in order for a quarrel to be resolved, (in my 2-cents worth of opinion), I think it is best to be aware of ourselves. To be aware of our emotions and feelings.

Often when we (as a neutral party) try to enter into a quarrel, we make our judgment fast, we raise our voices, we stand in between as referee, sometimes we hold onto the hands and arms of the child to stop a fight and we tend to quickly assess what the problem is and dispense with the punishment. However, we often forget that for a quarrel to take place, a lot of hurtful things have already happened or said and the relationship between two parties are at stake. If (as a neutral party), we bring in our heated feelings into the already-heated atmosphere, what do we get? We get a more heated atmosphere!!

Paul said in Ephesians 4:6 that in our anger, do not sin. This is not implying that we should NOT be angry or anger is a sin but basically when we are angry, we still should not handle it in a bad way. The only way I am seeing it is that since I have every right to be angry, the only way to handle the situation well is to ensure that I am more than aware of the emotions that's hovering around the situation. This is especially true for our work in residential setting as we do plenty of work with kids with long bad care history that have led to a pain-based behaviour and this behaviour is not something to be trifled with. Handle it bad, the child would go worse. Handle it well, the child learns something.

My take-home for the day after a 4-hour meeting.

Sending

I ended my day seeing Shawn and Christine off to Chile. Our friendship has some a long way and it's heartwarming to see them both grow in the Lord. God has been good and He will always be good!

Living things

Introducing for the VERY first time, my prized canary!!! He is one ATTITUDE bird!! Can you believe it? I sat at the sofa for nearly an hour JUST to wait for him to sing. I finally decided that I needed the toilet and guess what? While I was doing my business in the toilet, he chirp!!!! When I was having my lunch, he chirped. While I was busy at the kitchen, he chirped. While I was having my dinner, he chirped. I am convinced that he is one active yellow canary with an attitude, capital A. HAHAHA!!

I did a quick count and I have 5 shy parrot fish, 1 active canary, 1 sleepy white dog, 1 active black dog, several hideous cockroaches, a few crawly lizards and some irritating mozzies. Not forgetting my mummy's favorite plants. She gets excited each time her plant got babies. A pretty lively house I have indeed!

I have to say that what keeps me excited each time I return home are my 2 silly dogs.

A queer weekend

It's a queer weekend. Friday is church service and Sunday is caregroup.

Yesterday, I had a friend over for movie, wine and "fine dining". Hee.. I prepared Brie cheese and strawberry to match the white wine she bought over. I think the wine was really solid. For the first time (I think), I slept on her. Usually, it's the other way round. Haa! We had 3 movies to watch but by the time we started on the 2nd movie, I somehow made my way to my bed and unknowingly, I fell asleep. If not for a dream (which I cannot recall), I would have probably slept throughout.

I always enjoy playing host to my good friends at home. When I was back in Brisbane, every other week, I would love to have friends over for steamboat or just a simple meal. If possible, I like to dish up new dishes. If not, I would just simply like to spend time over a movie and a drink. I always thought that nothing beats being at home.


Since Friday was service, we had caregroup today. Caregroup was a good 3 wonderful girls! Zann had to study for her exams tomorrow. Nelson made another appointment with his B thinking that today's caregroup was not confirmed. Nonetheless, I thought it was a fantastic time dining at Mussel Guys with Penny and Yanling. Oh, before that, we paid a surprise visit to Zann's place to present her with an 'Examinations pack' and a bouquet of flowers. Interestingly, she surprised us by being not at home. Her meeting for her missions trip overrun and couldn't be back home as planned.


After my CG, I met Geo for awhile before he goes to meet his CG in the evening. We shopped around Vivo City and finally, we preferred to be stationary at a spot and chatt. Conversation naturally led to ministry and we spoke about serving God for God alone. Service to God continues no matter which stage of life we are in. Mischievously, I glared at Geo and asked "Hey! You are spending too much time in your ministry. Can you please leave your ministry?". Man! I should have snapped his slightly-shocked look. Then he coolly answered me "You wouldn't one lar... If you wanted, you would have asked me long time ago." Indeed, I personally think that one should use his/her gifting to the best that he/she could to glorify God's kingdom. Ministry is almost Geo's life. Getting him to get out of it is almost like telling him that he has totally made the wrong choice in having me as his partner.



Anyway, a few hours break from home gave me some freedom to think of a solution to the 'problem' mummy and I have at home; that is to bring my dad out everyday. It is really tedious for my mum to clean the wheelchair each time she returns, not forgetting that Sparkle may have pee-d and there is that mess to clear up. Solution: Buy another wheelchair. One stays home. One goes out. Mummy bought the idea and wheelchair shopping I will go! Praying for some "Great Singapore Sale" for wheelchairs now! Any 'lobang' anyone????

Normality

With my dad's stroke, I got to see first hand what the grief process is all about. First the denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance.

If I am not wrong, my dad's passed the denial, anger, depression and bargaining stages and finally accepting his condition. With that, I noticed that he's trying to get back into the normality of how his life was before he had a stroke. Which means that he would want to go to NTUC daily at least 2 times, he would want to travel around via car to Tampines, Bedok, Whampoa or Bendemeer. Of course, when we do not fulfill that, he gets angry and these days, gets pretty violent swinging his walking stick.

NTUC is easier to fulfill but it's tiring for mummy to bring him down 2 times a day. When they return, one of my dog would probably have poo-ed or pee-d and there's clearing to do. There's also the wheelchair to clean. Already when my dad's at home, he's often needing to go to the toilet. Wanting to eat or drink often. Despite being able to stand and walk by himself, he still wants help.

For me, I try to be around as much as possible. Mummy shared despondently that she feels that dad is simply against her. Things are usually fine if I am around but once I am away, his pattern starts again. If he wants something, he has to have it. After he had it, it's peace for awhile until he got another craze.

2 weeks ago, he bugged his friend for a bird cage. After a bird cage, he bugged for a bird. After getting a $180 bird for a week, he lost interest. Today's craze is about getting sweet honeyed mango. He was bugging and bugging and in between time, angrily, I brought him out to get those mangoes.

*sigh*... Admittedly, I am not as patient as I ought to be. I am not as loving as I would want myself to be. I am so guilty of it. I get very angry because I see my mum 'suffer'. Yet, if I manage to bring myself to look at my dad, my heart breaks looking at those blue-grey eyes. It speaks of insecurity, unforgiveness and loneliness. I pray indeed that I will love my dad more for only love can motivate one in the right way.

Expect the unexpected

Do or Die? Apparently, it's neither. The judge didn't want to pass any order yesterday. Instead, they will arrange for a Family Conference.

I am apprehensive. I am, again, living in ambiguity. My big boss painted a grey picture of what a family conference could turn out to be. The facilitator chosen by the court, ain't not exactly the most positive one for the family. Although I was out with friends last night, I couldn't help but return home to 'research' on what Court's family conferences would be like and I am astounded in shock!

Objectives of these Family Conferences could include:

• reprimanding the offender
• administering a formal caution to the offender
• requiring the offender to pay compensation to the victim(s) of the offence
• requiring the offender to apologise to the victim(s) of the offence
• resolving any relationship problems between the Child or Young Person and the Parent or Guardian which will aid the rehabilitation of the juvenile
• or requiring the offender to do such other act as the family conference thinks appropriate in the circumstances

The entire process is very very punishing. It's unlike the Family Group Conferences which I had conducted before that was aimed to empower family with the help of community resources. I am saddened, truly, to know that our system is one that is punishing and not filled with grace and opportunity to give some young person hope & love. I still stand firm that the only person who could have the power to set examples for a young person is an adult. If a young person go wrong, it is highly due to the wrong decisions made by the adults in their lives. And in such a situation, whose fault is it really?

I am not trying to pinpoint whose fault is whose or play judge here. However, I am indeed sadden that with such a process, how then can the young person have the motivation to change for the better? A young person needs to be nurtured, loved and cared for, not punished.

That being said, I managed to relax a little after being uptight for the longest time in my life (I think). I got 9 hours of slumber. I woke up and reflected my yesterday and I thought that God is humorous. Just when I thought it's either one decision or another, the unexpected surface. In all our preparation, my bosses and I never predicted that the conclusion would be a family conference. Looking at it in the positive light, there is still hope. At the very least, I can assure the family that hope is still there!

I thought to myself, isn't this pretty the same with God - to expect the unexpected? Just when we thought that humankind is a gone-case with sin and all, God chose to make the most unexpected decision - to die for us. I was just thinking back 2000 over years ago, what kind of human would I be like? Whose side would I be standing on? Would I be one of the persecutors or would I be standing by Jesus? And if I were one of the persecutor, would I expect that this man would die for me? Even if I am standing by Jesus, would I expect this man to die for all sins? Like in the bible, Jesus did tell his disciples that His time is up but they thought Jesus was just talking nonsense and brushed him aside.

In the darkest of the night, Jesus was captivated by his persecutors and was hung on the cross. Even the thought of it, cringes me. But SUCH is the love of God, that He chose to do the expected thing. He could have just sat on His throne and look down in dismay but He did not. He was so compassionate and filled with love. He was so filled with kindness and grace. He gave what we did not deserve. For that, I am so eternally filled with gratitude.

Nervous

I drove the entire day. I gave myself no rest cause I know that if I stop, I would worry. I would be very nervous. So, if you could guess after the above 3 sentences, this entry is going to be unstructured and language very direct.

Ok, I am nervous. I am VERY VERY nervous over what verdict would the judge pass tomorrow. It's do or die. To me, it's literally life or death. Whatever verdict it will be, it's going to be the point that determines a child's life.

Finally at 7pm, after pondering for the entire day, I decided to ask my boss the 'smartest' question. My bigger boss then suggested to my boss to go to court with me tomorrow. My boss being law trained, would know the best legal terms to use. However, he knows nuts about my child. I, on the other hand, knows NUTS about legal terms but I would have lots to say about my child. Either way, we have no solutions.

Decided that I have had enough of my office so I made my way home. Boss and I left off with him assuring me that he will leave it entirely up to me if I want him there or not. Rather, am I confident enough to deliver the speech. I thought to myself and decided "Ok, I will face the battle without boss. I started on this case well, I will end it well. Already, agencies are fighting with each other. Add a boss into the picture, it's not going to help the situation any better. Might worsen things instead. And I really do need a closure on this case as I have been 'fighting' it with my entire being. I pray, I think and I pray and I think and I pray and I think."

Just now, boss called and said that big boss told him not to go with me. Reason? So that I will feel the relief myself. Basically, I need to go through that process. I need a closure. Tsk... Big boss is so wise. He doesn't know me but machiam like know me very well.

Halfway through the conversation, I burst out in tears. Either I am high strung or highly stressed. Both ways perhaps. I spoke to a colleague this evening in tears too. We ended up tearing together. Hahaha! I guess our heart just break when we see the child knowing that tomorrow is like the D-day for him.

For those reading this, this entire entry would sound strange. Don't mind me. I am just ventilating through the means of a blog.

In His Time

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven;
a time to born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
...... He has made everything beautiful in his time.
He has also set eternity in the heart of men"
- A time for everything, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11

Love.Receive.Give

Love is a many splendored thing – So Frank Sinatra sung.

These days, I have been pondering over this thing called Love. I was questioned by my kid “Sandra, what is love?” In my best reply, I told him “There are 4 types of love – Kinship love, Boyfriend-Girlfriend love, Husband-Wife love, God’s love. The way your grandma, aunt, uncle, mother, sister, cousin love you is kinship love, family love. Then boyfriend-girlfriend is the love a couple will have before they get married and when they marry to be husband and wife, the love continues. And of course, you know I go to church every Sunday right? It’s because I love my God and my God loves me. You got a god who loves you yeah?”

Over the weekend, I was helping out with a friend’s wedding and the pastor who was giving their exhortation emphasized “Love, is NOT a feeling. Love, IS an action. It takes commitment, it takes time.” I watched, teary eyed, the love that the couple share between each other. I was also touched by the simplicity of how their love for God has brought them together and the love they have for each other grows. Somehow, you know it. You will know it through the gaze that they have towards each other. They spoke without words and you will know that they love each other deeply.

Yesterday, I finally caught the show, Nights in Rodanthe, with Geo. Gerald was right. After the show, I felt a deep sense of loss for Adrienne (Diane Lane) when she lost her new love, Paul (Richard Gere). I feel the pain for her. The show started with Adrienne mourning the loss of her husband to another lady, leaving her with 2 children whom she protected against telling them the truth that their father had an affair. Her husband returned and begged for one more chance. Adrienne rejected for that moment and requested for the weekend to think about it while her husband took their 2 children out for a holiday. Adrienne had promised her best friend to care for her inn while she goes away.

As the book had it written and the movie portrayed, Paul met Adrienne. Paul travelled to Rodanthe to explain the death of his patient to her husband. Adrienne was most convinced that if she cannot excel at being the best wife or best artist, she will be the best mother. She was with her husband not driven by the love she has for her husband but by the love of her 2 children. She was torn making the decision whether she should forgive her husband and continue in the marriage. Paul was most convinced that if he cannot excel at being the best husband or best father, he will be the best doctor. Paul did not know love. All he wanted was to excel in his work, he takes pride in it. He was angry when the patient died on him. It had never happened before and his doctor son saw what happened. His son was angry that Paul did not explain to the family on her passing, instead he moved on to another operation.

They met. Adrienne found that she knows how to love a person again. She found that her passion for arts has not disappeared into the thin air yet. She found herself. Paul found that life has more to give than credits gained in a job. He found himself jealous of Adrienne glowing while she talks about her children, something he had never experienced before with his son. He found the capacity to love and to give, he found compassion. They found each other. Paul left for a rural area in Spain to help his son with giving medical aid to the villagers. Adrienne left for home to seal her failed marriage and to build her relationship with her teenage daughter. Love notes were exchanged and their love grew.

The hands on the clock kept ticking while Adrienne waited in anticipation of Paul’s arrival only to find Paul’s son at the doorstep, looking aghast, holding a box of Paul’s personal effects. I cringed in pain when Adrienne cried reading the last letter that Paul had wanted to send it out to her. She mourned for don’t-know how long to the bewilderment of her children. When she was stepping out, she told her daughter – someday, she (daughter) will find a love. A love that will give her the courage to be someone better, to be able to do the things that she’d think it’s impossible.

Geo and I hung around till we were the last to leave our seats. We left the cinema dumbfounded, quiet and wordless. All that we could mutter out was “Let’s go to the toilet.” It took us awhile before we started talking about the show. This show is not based on a non-fiction story yet what was portrayed was real and genuine. Someday, we will lose our loved ones but the show somehow stirred within us the pain of a loss which we had not experienced before and we cannot imagine that pain. We recommitted that we will not take each other for granted.

Today, I brought my kid out and in the short conversation that we had, I could feel the pain of the loss of the mother’s love that he yearned for so much, yet not being able to have it. As I stared at him eating, I felt so much like reaching out to him and give him a great big hug. Then again, no matter how many hugs I give, I recognize that no matter how many hugs I am going to give is going to replace his mother.

To end this entry, in every way, one cannot dispute that love is nature's way of giving a reason to be living. It indeed, can give us the courage to be someone better and may I add on that love can also give us the motivation to be someone better. If not for the love my parents have for me, if not for the grace and mercy of God, would I be who I am now? Would I have a reason for living? I am blessed and I do pray that as I receive, I give.