Nervous

I drove the entire day. I gave myself no rest cause I know that if I stop, I would worry. I would be very nervous. So, if you could guess after the above 3 sentences, this entry is going to be unstructured and language very direct.

Ok, I am nervous. I am VERY VERY nervous over what verdict would the judge pass tomorrow. It's do or die. To me, it's literally life or death. Whatever verdict it will be, it's going to be the point that determines a child's life.

Finally at 7pm, after pondering for the entire day, I decided to ask my boss the 'smartest' question. My bigger boss then suggested to my boss to go to court with me tomorrow. My boss being law trained, would know the best legal terms to use. However, he knows nuts about my child. I, on the other hand, knows NUTS about legal terms but I would have lots to say about my child. Either way, we have no solutions.

Decided that I have had enough of my office so I made my way home. Boss and I left off with him assuring me that he will leave it entirely up to me if I want him there or not. Rather, am I confident enough to deliver the speech. I thought to myself and decided "Ok, I will face the battle without boss. I started on this case well, I will end it well. Already, agencies are fighting with each other. Add a boss into the picture, it's not going to help the situation any better. Might worsen things instead. And I really do need a closure on this case as I have been 'fighting' it with my entire being. I pray, I think and I pray and I think and I pray and I think."

Just now, boss called and said that big boss told him not to go with me. Reason? So that I will feel the relief myself. Basically, I need to go through that process. I need a closure. Tsk... Big boss is so wise. He doesn't know me but machiam like know me very well.

Halfway through the conversation, I burst out in tears. Either I am high strung or highly stressed. Both ways perhaps. I spoke to a colleague this evening in tears too. We ended up tearing together. Hahaha! I guess our heart just break when we see the child knowing that tomorrow is like the D-day for him.

For those reading this, this entire entry would sound strange. Don't mind me. I am just ventilating through the means of a blog.