Forgiveness & Joy

All of a suddenly, it seemed as if everyone around me just zoomed out & I was the only one left seated at one of the green seats at Nexus.

Today at church, I was transported back in time to my first Sunday Service nearly 8 years ago at Brisbane. Complete déjavu. The story of forgiveness & joy once again rang loud & clear in my mind.

If I may be blunt & brutally honest, I am a person who can easily fall into the trap of anger. When I do get angry at a person because of a wrong that has happened, or my face been lost, or when I've been hurt, my only defense is to have my wall built up real fast. When that wall is built up, for awhile, I will not realize that I'm hurt or angry. When the numbness is gone, then I will probably be angry. After the anger is subsided, I will battle on how to forgive when I can't forget?

At a supper with a friend 2 weeks ago, I poured out to her how I felt about my anger & my disappointment in myself in not being able to forgive when I cannot forget. She said to me (paraphrased) "Even if you have forgiven, you would not have forgotten the hurt inflicted. The scar will always be there to remind you. This is the time when, after you have forgiven, that you will need God's grace to see you through."

As I sat on the green seat today, looking on at the pantomime staged by the wonderful actors, I fell in love once again with this Jesus whom I acknowledge as my savior. I am just amazed at His love for me & I felt broken once again. Scars will always remain. The ball is in my court whether I want to exercise God's grace & mercy.

A sermon so timely after 4 months of struggle. 8 years back, that sermon on forgiveness & joy was what led me back to God. I am but a work-in-progress.