Doodlings

The past week was quite a feat for me. It started out with staff retreat on Monday and Tuesday. I saw crayons and pens and I can't help it but draw (it's whiling away time and er.. trying to digest how the retreat went).

On Monday, I reminded myself that there is ALWAYS light in the tunnel. It is just a matter of how do we get to 'see' that light. Sometimes, it could be just myself being so fearful that I am the one not letting go and shutting my eye. Sometimes, all it takes is just for me to keep walking and while walking, skip, sing, jump. I will get there. Key word that came to my mind was to keep persevering.



On Tuesday, 2nd day of retreat was kinda in a 'I-wait-for-you-you-wait-for-me' mode. Moods were still low, faces were still dull (for a lack of a better word). Don't ask me why I drew a tree and flowers but as I was trying, I kept telling myself 'Life can be so much more fun! - if only one person makes a tiny effort.', 'Life can be colorful! It can be.. It's how I want to color it.'


Tuesday's retreat didn't exactly have a closing because I had to be excused to manage a case. So from Tuesday all the way to Friday, I was hyped up over this case, losing sleep - wondering on hindsight, what could have been done to salvage; wondering how to move on; wondering what is really in the best interest of the child and family.

Thank God, time DOES NOT stay still. It moves. Finally Friday came and I felt like a burden off my shoulder - in a way.

This morning, I was sharing with my mummy of this case. She listened with intent and asked appropriate questions. I had a short afternoon nap and I went off to meet Geo at his g'ma's wake. While driving, I started asking myself 'Why do I want to be a social worker?'.

Why?

Do I genuinely love children?

Do I feel so so compassionate?

Why?

Do I feel like I can change the world?

I began to recall what my big boss said before 'If you want to feel-good, please don't be in this job. This job is NOT for you to feel good. This job is for you to render practical help. However, more so than ever, many are in this line so that they can feel good. Tell me, who doesn't feel good helping others?'

Am I just waiting for someone to tell me 'Good job, well done!'?

Am I waiting for some kid to tell me 10 years later 'Sandra, thanks for being part of my life. You have helped me so much! I am a changed person because of you!'

God reminded me then 'Do my work. It's my glory, not yours.' No doubt, I can get carried away easily. Recently, I also felt myself becoming more and more cynical. As I look back at my past photos, I began to miss those days where I feel I had more energy, more joy, more strength, more vibes. I am reminded that I have been relying plenty on my own strength and wisdom. I have not yet committed utterly unto God. I have not yet place my trust in Him.

I ask again 'Why do I want to be a social worker?'... I believe strongly that as I remain tight to the vine of love of Christ, people around me will be able to see it. To set eternity in my heart is to do my best in setting eternity in the hearts of others.