Healing

The greatest barrier to own healing is not the pain, sorrow or violence inflicted upon us as children. Our greatest hindrance is our ongoing capacity to judge, to criticize, and to bring tremendous harm to ourselves. If we can harden our heart against ourselves and meet our most tender feelings with anger and condemnation, we simultaneously armor our heart against the possibility of gentleness, love and healing. – Wayne Muller

Painful emotions deals with our inner state of being like fear, anger, sadness, hatred, disgust, ugly, shame, etc. With emotions comes the painful thoughts like revenge, denial, great sense of distrust, self-centeredness, depression, blaming, labels, etc. With emotions and thoughts, come the behavior. Pain-based behavior is an attempt to hide the pain behind a so-called brave mask just so as to escape from it.

Upon reflection, in my secondary school days, I used to keep people at a great distance because I fear the pain of being rejected. I fear being rejected because I often feel angry with my family as I felt unwanted. In return, people did keep a distance from me as they perceived it as I was being too high and mighty, arrogant. As I think about it, I wonder how turn off I must have been for the people around me.

As I am typing this, I am totally amused by myself now. In the afternoon, I was hopping mad at one of my child at the Home. As much as my heart goes to him when I hear the pain when he was rejected, his behavior was utterly fist-clenching. A slap nearly went across his face.

I wish and I really really pray that one day, the love of God will melt that heart of his. I pray that he will one day reconcile with himself, find that peace & joy. These are HUGE words. HUGE HUGE words that are like alien to him now.