Balance

When I started out as a budding social worker, I struggled badly with drawing a clear line between work and personal life. Often, I will get emotionally involved with the cases I deal with. Of course, it's good & healthy to have a certain extend of being emotionally involved. However, back then, I had difficulties managing things in a healthy manner.

Took me about a year to strike a 'better' balance between work and personal life, knowing how to remain soft yet not letting it ride over my personal values. Now, that's just Indirect Social Work.

A year ago, I moved into doing Direct Social Work and omigosh!, life has never been the same ever again. In my entry yesterday, I shared that I was spoken to with negative words. To be more explicit, in the morning, I was trying to explain repeatedly to a child "Look, I am not saying that I am not allowing you to go out and meet your friends. You are going to be a teenager. If you could share with me who your friends are, let me fetch you there, you can go. I cannot give in to your request today as I do need time to plan." All I did for 4 hours was to repeat that sentence. Later part in the afternoon, another child came back and a huge quarrel surfaced with shouting & painful anger. A quarrel that's between 2 children and a staff and I became the mediator. And I again, I found myself having to repeat "Look look look. Why are you shouting at me? Hey hey hey, let's work this out together even if it's to take 2 hours." For both cases, the approach I took was gentle & composed cause if I get heated up as well, it will just be a battle of loud voices.

In between time, I was told by several staff how difficult the weekend was and how nice it would be to have a rulebook. As much as I agree that there must be rules to govern a Home, I do not see how a punishment rulebook is helpful. The main and most important difference between a Consequence & Punishment is how a child sees it. There are the generic consequences like if you dirty up the place, you cannot go for an activity until you clean the mess up. The other type of consequence is when we have processed with the child his/her misbehaviour and he/she accepts it and together, a consequence is laid out. Of course, another easier way out is to simply lay down the punishment. For this 'bad' thing done, the consequences is as such. Makes me wonder isn't that just simply making our job easier? Cause it's harder to process feelings. It's easier to just set out punishments.

Well, I guess yesterday affected me more than I thought it would. I went back home thinking. Thinking about how we can best work with the children under our care. Thinking about how street-smart they are. Thinking about how the children could easily disarm us when the staff do not have good communication. Thinking about the dynamics of the staff at the Home. Thinking about how things could be managed. As I was thinking, I was reading an article on Residential Treatment and guess what? I simply dozed off, waking up only about an hour later and switched off the lights in a dazed manner. That was about 11pm.

At about 1:30am, vaguely, I heard Spanner whining & barking softly. It took me perhaps 15 mins to realize that Spanner had entered my room and is wanting to come up to my bed. It was too late & he was tired & he decided that he needed help up my bed. Guess what I did???? Subconsciously, in my sleepy state of mind, I remembered scolding Spanner!!! I said "It's not that I am not allowing you up my bed! I am allowing you up but you gotta jump up yourself. Always whine and I got to give in? No, you be independent! I cannot always be here to help you." I vaguely remembered Spanner jumping up thereafter and in just a few seconds, he jumped down and slept on the cold floor.

Even as I was really tired, I was feeling so so so so sorry! I know deep down, these are strong feelings that I felt yesterday. Although it may seemed like I am calm but I know deep down, I am affected, frustrated & angered even. Unknowingly, I had taken it out on my poor darling. It was so subtle, it was so subconscious, it was so unknowing.

Well, my consequences? Both my dogs have rejected me tonight. I am room-alone with no dogs to hug. *sob* I am wondering now - how to make up to them?????????? Well, at least Spanner.