Fears

I attended a court family conference today. It was interesting. After a month long of preparation, I almost had cold feet yesterday. I would be very honest here. I was half wishing that I would be sick enough to warrant me a MC.

Let me share with you my 1001 fears. (1) I was fearful that I would get cold feet right slap in the middle of the conference when all the high ranking people start arguing. There was the judge, a director from a certain organization and Dr O the facilitator. And guess what, I am the only one representing my Home and the family I am advocating for! I told my boss that I am not up to it. How can a small fry fight so many people? (2) With the first fear, I was fearful that I would let my child down. I was fearful that I would indirectly ruin his life.

Ok, not 10000001 fears. Just 2 was enough to kill my brain cells. My past few months were a tense one. All I had in my mind was that I cannot let the family and child down. So I worked very hard in preparing for this case. Whilst working one night on this case about 2 months back, my boss called me and I broke down and cried. I could not help it because I feel that we are fighting only because that organization can't stand our guts! They talk so much about making decisions in the best interest of the child yet they have barely had contact with the child. I don't get it. I really don't get it. I don't understand totally.

So 2 months later, today, is the family conference. Part of me is fearful of the outcome. The other part of me is fearful of the battle that is to come.

Yesterday I prayed and God spoke to me through the lives of the many biblical characters. God always use the weak to fight. I was reminded of David who fought Goliath. Who won? David. A small fry can also fight. I recalled how the Lord comforts Joshua "Be strong and courageous.....". I was encouraged and I went to sleep peacefully.

I woke up this morning, tired still but very much awake and very much wanting to "fight". Well, it was indeed a fight. Inside the conference room was a drama. Really a drama. Today, I witnessed first hand how dirty a person could get.

On the overall, I was glad, really glad, that I put my faith in God and I did not chicken out. I give thanks to God that throughout, instead of being nervous and lost for words, I was calm and collected. Instead of being anxious, I remained cool. The more I think I cannot do it, the more I have to just step out in faith. The more I have to just do it. After all the preparation, what have I to lose right? Moreover, if God is for me, who can be against me?

Nights!