Closure

First of all, thanks to all my friends who have read my last entry and have responded to me through through sms, emails & messenger. Sorry that I responded REALLY late as I got caught up in my work. Next to sorry, just wanna say that I really felt cared and cherished by all you pals.

Just an update of how things are like now in my working place (written especially for those who have been "following" my life through my entries..*smile*)

Let's have a recap. I had a confrontational meeting on Tuesday. Against my total being, I shared 3 counts against my manager for the tension that arose in the office admitting, at the same time, with all the tension, I showed her great lousy attitude. However, meeting was left hanging with no closure. We were adviced to channel our energy appropriately. [And to this, I went "D-uh, how to?!]

On Wednesday, with no closure and situation at work got worse, I was that close to say "yes" to my friend and say "bye" to my colleagues and bosses and clients. Unfortunately, just the thought of resigning brings tears to my eyes. [Believe me..I have never ever resigned for matters like these. I only resign for better pay or higher opporunities] I have been so convicted that I want to work with this profile of clients!! I have been SO convicted that this is the place that God wants me to stay!!! Then, ironically, I am thinking of leaving.. I was so sad just thinking of leaving my clients. However, in the turn of events, God had to speak to me again. Yesterday, I found, again, the strength (HIS strength) to carry me through - whether or not there is a closure.

Today is Thursday. With a mixture of fear and anticipation, I walked into Autumn Room for the last-minute-meeting my AD called for. Closure. F.I.N.A.L.L.Y!! A closure to what happened on Tuesday! Seriously, I was fearful of what is to come but I decided to trust that my AD knows what to do.

My AD gave a brief summary of what had happened and gave my manager an opportunity to respond to all of us (since Tuesday was basically like a a arrowing session towards her). My mgr's response to me is that she has no idea what happened to us both. In the beginning, we could hold chat sessions. Lately, things just went all wrong and she has no idea.

After which, my AD reprimanded us. She said:

1) In the whole org, the FSC team is the most mature bunch of workers YET something like this (so childish - in my own words) has to happen.
2) We are always feeling so tired because our energy is channelled to all the wrong places!! Serving our clients SHOULD always energize us no matter how physically tired we can be. So even if we have alot of clients, we should be more energize!! [Of which, I agree.. When I started, I was SO SO SO energized though I simply have no idea how I could serve so many clients]
Our energy was used so much to deal with relational issue with just one colleague.
3) We should always work towards the mission. Why do we need to be so wrapped into office politics when there are so much work to be done to work towards our mission?! If we want office politics, why we even bother to move from the corporate world to a non-profit organization who literally pay us (er...) so so little? [Heee.. I agree! Why bother?]
4) Everyone, EVERYONE, contribute to the tension. Not just one person.

After reprimanding, we were ALL to give our response. Well, whenever it's response time, it's usually a waiting time. I wait for you, you wait for me.. One colleague went first. Then, I went next. Hee.. Frankly, I was all butterflies inside of me but I already had a response - my response to God yesterday. I shared this:

I apologized to my manager. I told her that in all honesty, I really enjoyed those small chat session we had. I also do not know what happened. I do not know why suddenly she got insecure and defence wall was so thick. When it started a few months back, I know that my non-verbals speak louder than my words. I showed attitude once in a while. Whenever I reflect in the night, I will always tell God I am sorry and will work harder at a bigger heart the next day. But when next day come, I will get irritated again. It's only lately that I could no longer find the strength. I told her that I like her as a person but I have to admit that I have difficulty as a colleague. I shared too that after the death of my client, I really really resoluted to work harder. I do not want to waste time. I want to seize every opportunity. BUT, with the tension, I feel my energy so sapped. I want to move my cases but I can't move. In the only knowledge I know how to cope, I snap in my words. I shared, too, that yesterday was a bad day for me. In my thoughts, there are really only 2 directions to take - To stay on or To leave. To leave is something that's painful to me. To stay only means that I have to work things out with MYSELF. And my decision yesterday was to keep going.. To trust the process.

What I did not share but was in my head was this. Whenever there are human relationship, there are bound to be frictions. However, I want to choose to believe, really believe, that with perserverance, there is character and with character, there is hope!!! And work-wise, I really did not come into this line because there is good money to earn. I really want to be the channel of hope to those who are not so hopeful. Digress a little.. yesterday I called my client and told her that her wish which we submitted to the Boys' Brigage was fulfilled! She could have a fridge!! Gosh.. you should hear her exclaimation! She kept thanking me. My point? Not that I am a superwoman or I like to be thanked. But to hear that joy in her voice warmed my heart - HOPE!!

I was MUCH lighter after the meeting. After everyone shared and responded, I felt very very much lighter!! I went for a swim after work. Even when I swim, I don't feel as tired as compared to the past few months! Haaa...

- Dreaming big for God! -